Yeah, here it is almost 100 degrees, so it would have been miserable without the AC. I actually like to cut the grass. It is good exercise and I listen to music so I would usually do that even if he was here. Just try listening to music, it helps especially if you don't want to sit around just thinking.
I am going to try to just do nothing. I think I am over the initial shock of him leaving and I am not going to call him. I have managed to keep myself busy today. Yeah, it made me mad when he took the computer. It was the first thing he packed. I can give him space, and he has told me that he will continue to go to counseling. I will also continue to go. I am beginning to think that maybe his time in Iraq changed him.
We have a lot of colleges here too, but I think I would only do the roommate as a last resort. I will keep that in mind though. It was your husbands choice to leave right...so he shouldn't be bitter about you getting more income.
Has he filed for divorce? I do bet that he doesn't want you to get rid of it in case he does decide to come back. At least he doesn't want to get rid of it. That is good that he is on the medication for now. It will probably help him. My H started a prescription a couple of weeks ago. He was taking some kind of antidepressant before Iraq and ran out there, they couldn't give him another prescription so he hasn't taken anything for months. I think it will help. He seems to be depressed.
That's what I am trying to do, not argue. H actually looked pretty bad when he came over yesterday. He said he was hungry because he had no food. I told him that I didn't tell him not to buy food I just told him to stop going out to restaurants. Last week he was spending about 50 dollars a day on food until we had a talk. He agreed to quit spending money. He said that he couldn't buy food because the guy he was staying with didn't have a refridgerator. Oh well, figure something out. It actually helps me to see him struggle a little bit. Every other time I have seen him lately it has just seemed like it has been smooth sailing for him.
Wow. H just came by the house because he forgot the computer cord. He was completely civil as was I. We didn't fight, and he asked about the AC. I told him I bought a plane ticket to go home, this trip has been planned for about 6 months and we were supposed to go together. He is not going now. I wanted to tell him in case he saw it on the bank account. He has been doing very good about not spending money and he told me he would let me know before he spent any...so I thought I should do the same. He said that was fine and he thought I got a really good deal on the ticket. He told me a little bit about work and I asked him to help me do hook something up to the TV. That was it and then he left. I was trying to do a 180 and not fight with him or cry when he was here. That was the first civil conversation we have had in a month. I am pretty proud of myself.
Yes, it is awful to talk to him like we are strangers. It is awful to see him and not be able to give him a hug. But I feel pretty good. I am sure that he was expecting a fight when he came over here. I think the sep may be a good thing for both of us right now.
Klm you are doing great! I think it was a good idea to ask him to help you with the tv. Just something small and not too needy. I often email with the I respect your opinion thing when I ask for something. I will say they run hot and cold. Sometimes my H will be resistant to something to look at or fix, other times fine. I am not my best counsel, last Sunday he was here and I felt the need to tell him that maybe we should sell the house as my own anxiety was surfacing and that backfired. On the advice of my trusted therapist we may file jointly pro se although this gives me a panic attack just typing it. The purpose of this is to keep him away from the lawyers and give us the 120 day waiting period as required here to sit around and see if he will want to come back. The other 2 times he moved out it never went this far... The hope is once we "settle" a lot of the financial things he will stop being so angry and calm down. The other part is my therapist feels if we give money to lawyers it will just be wasted as he does not think this is going to happen. I hang on to that.
I will say with experience that pleasant encounters go a long way. The first time he was moved out he drove round trip 50 miles from his downtown apt to get a putty knife and a few tools... yours came to get a cord? He wanted to see you. It hard to act like you are not connected. My H has told me I was so nice to him when he came over and he came back because I asked him (not true) and he saw something in my eyes... this may help you.
I do not want a roomate either. I never had one in college and it just brings up a lot of new problems. I'm too old for that!
I went last night with a girlfriend to a Taste of event downtown at a lake with resturants food music etc. I do not want to be single! These were all people my age, well off, tanned and seeming to have good time and I felt so disjointed. I am very social, and for the first time I can remember I just felt so out of place and lost. I had all I could do not to call H and say I miss you and I don't want to do this, when I got home at 10pm! I didn't and I am telling you this as the temptation to do stuff like this is high.
I did get an email that he was happy with the insurance that I took car for the cars and the house. He said he would come over cut down 2 dead trees the agent pointed out may be a problem. Of course he also wanted to know if I made my mind up about a settlement issue. And now he is not in his apt when I called say I left him an email which is what we do when we email.
Klm hang in there! I saw your email about hugs etc. You can do this! You hung in there while he was in Iraq and I know that was not the same as this but you are strong. Let him miss you, we already know you miss him. I want mine back too!
Thanks Terrey. I am trying to GAL. It is just hard here because I had two close girlfriends and they both left about two months ago. I don't work with anyone even near my age, and everyone else I know are his friends. It was a completely different feeling when he was in Iraq. I was lonely, but I would also get phone calls from him crying because he missed me so much. Now he isn't here because he doesn't want to be. That really hurts. I know that a lot of other people here have been dealing with this longer...but today is the first day with no contact and it sucks. I really thought he would come here to wash his clothes today, but he didn't.
I am going home in a week and a half and I haven't told him. I was wondering if I should tell him and ask him to come feed the dog. It was a last minute trip, I just really need to get away from here and be around people that love me.
Not much else going on since I didn't haven't talked to him.
Well, he came by today at lunch. Should I tell him to call before he comes over? After all, I don't even know where he lives. Even though I like it when he comes by, its not fair that he can just drop in on me. For one reason, I would like to fix myself up a little
Anyway, he came over to give me the stuff off of Microsoft Money. It was on the computer and since he took it I didn't even know when the bills were due. I didn't fight. I didn't pry. His phone rang while he was there and I didn't even ask who it was. Total 180 for me.
He said he was going to his appointment with the counselor this afternoon and that he would go back with me on Wednesday. That's the update for now.
Hey klm - sorry to hear about the delima with your situation, I know how much it can suck. I wouldnt rush to make a decision right now, but I would definately say whatever it is you decide, just make sure it's right for you, not him. Weigh the odds of selling and getting your own place vs keeping it and maintaining it, which ever is in YOUR best intrest would be your best vote.
It sounds like your doing good on your 180's, it took me a while to get the hang of it, it's hard sometimes not to react when you want to, but that's when things usually go bad, reacting instead of pro-acting lol.
As far as him calling before he comes by, I think it's a good idea, even if its only to give you a few moments to fix your hair :). And if your willing to make and keep boundries then this is a good one to start with.
I know your missing him and it hurts, and not knowing many people makes it hard to GAL - but do take time for yourself everyday to sort of step away from it all, even if it's 15 min. It's a big adjusment in your life and it's a process full of ups and downs, and suprises around the corner, so if you can remember to breathe every now and then it helps.
Thanks for all the support everybody. This website really helps me by letting me vent here instead of to H. I went to the counselor this afternoon..last minute appointment. She had seen him right before me. She really does help me put all my thoughts into words.
I think I am just going to have to be patient. That is so hard. But I will be. I think when I push him is when he makes hasty decisions, like moving out and saying he wants a divorce. Instead of pushing I just need to give him time.
Here are my goals: -No more fighting -No more snooping (that's a big one for me!)...haven't snooped in days and I really do feel better. -Work on myself (continue to work out and GAL) -Be patient
Maybe writing it down will help. I have done good with the last two encounters. I figure the next time I will see him will be on Wednesday at the counselor.
I am still trying to decide if I am going to tell him that I am going home next week. Any suggestions? I don't really know why I wouldn't other than for him to wonder where I am for a little while.
Klm, You are doing great. I started to post yesterday and I lost the post and then had to go...
I would let him know you are going out of town if you trust him as far as the house. I don't think there is anything else he can take but if there is you may want to hide it. You might want to erase your history or password protect your computer just so he doesn't figure out you on here! I don't know much about this kind of thing as my H has been in the computer business for about 25 years and I know only the basics. You said that he may come and take care of the dog. That might be a good thing. Come over and miss the dog, you and his house! Plus you will not be there. I think by telling him you are going you are showing him that life is going on and you are not game playing. You would not want him to go out of town and not tell you. He may reveal more of what he is doing if you do. Our dog with no kids is a good buffer. The few times he is over we sometimes take him for a walk together.
As mine did not want me to find out where he was either I told him that unless he wanted to give me a key to his apt so I could just call an hour ahead and show up like he did or come over un announced he had to respect some boundaries and agree to coming over on my terms. He seemed to get that after I would not let him in the house one visit, which was a mistake on my part as it only fueled his anger. I had put what he wanted out on the porch with a note. He didn't even read the note. As mine moved back to exact same building he moved to 4 years ago I had a good idea where he was. He did give me his address later.
I think your goals are great. This is so hard. I am trying to do what my therapist says, and get this settlement agreement agreed to. My H wants all this settled and then file. People keep telling me ( like 2 people) that they don't think this is going to happen. I am going to be basket case if it gets to the point we file jointly like therapist says to keep him and our money away from the attorney.
I am trying to stay sane here alone all day! This board helps and I hope my past experience will help. Like I said I have done the don't a few times too!
