Saying picnic was direct, I knew exactly what he meant. He would ask to go on a picnic in the middle of a blizzard. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with (and now even enjoy) the directness. Scary part is I still don't know why it bothered me but at the time it was a real turn off.
Just a guess but maybe it wasn't the directness that really bothered you but the converting of your choice into his demand. Maybe it was your H taking the euphemism "going on a picnic" which was YOUR decision and seeming to demand it instead of understanding that it was something you had chosen to do.
I wonder if YOU had been the one to FIRST say "Hey wanna go for a picnic?" you might have felt much more in control. Instead your H took that control from you which felt uncomfortable??? On the other hand if he had just asked directly for a BJ, you may or may not have said yes but it might not have bothered you as much.
Total guess
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I have all those things and i still try to take the time to invest time into my friendships. If my friend invites me to dinner, then i will make the effort to invite her to do something the following week, call just to say hi etc.
Are you doing it out of obligation, because you friend will be upset if you don't reciprocate, or because you really want to and can find the time?
In the end though, if it works for you and your friends and all of you are happy then that's great.
My friends and I are just different. We tend to not worry about the quid pro quo stuff so much. We may spend a lot of time together talking and then when life is hectic we may not talk for days, weeks or months but no one gets mad or upset. Whether a friend will call back if I just leave a friendly message is unknown, but if I NEED something, no question my friends are right there for me and that's something I know I can count on. And vice versa.
By your standards I would probably be a horrible friend but my friends seem to think I am a great friend (unless they are just lying to me :)) Seriously we're not all the same so it is hard to always match up to what others do for you. We just appreciate what we can do for each other.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Now, to have sex, I must be the instigator...in the first she is doing me because she HAS to do me.
Why do you believe she HAS to do you? Is she incapable of saying no?
So with your definition of being an instigator does it mean that a man who asks a woman on a date is not getting validation that she is interested in him if she merely says yes? The only way he can be validated is if she asks him out? What about a man asking a woman to marry him? Is her saying yes "validating"?
Is it possible we are mixing validation of ourselves by others with the idea of enjoying that someone likes us, wants to make dinner for us, wants to make love to us, wants to buy something for us, wants to spend time with us, etc. I think there is a difference between needing validation and needing EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS.
I hope you don't want your wife to ML to you to validate yourself as a man. Do you want her to express how she feels about you by making love to you rather than keeping a clean house? Do you believe that she does not love you because she does not desire you (at least not in a way you can recognize)?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I have asked her why she is not like what she once was, like maybe twice in 20 years. Once she even APOLOGIZED for being so physical with me at the start. I found that truly bizarre thinking. SHe should be apologizing for what she is NOW, not for being sexual 20 years ago. Do women REALLY think that being LD is a POSITIVE trait?
The person being rejected can do his/her part by “holding onto him/herself,” taking on a little detachment, and not personalizing it. This is possible, so lonf as the LD partner does not reject very often. THe problem is that LD people often do not realize just how much rejection they are giving. IN my case, rejection easily exceeds 85% of the time. But even go beyond that, since the LD partner does not PURSUE the HD partner for sex, that is even MORE rejection to the HD partner. Sex is just like ANY activity, it really is only good when you are with an enthusiastic partner. What I don't understand is why LD women see no problem with NOT pursueing their husbands for sex, and yet they expect us to pursue them for QT? Why do LD women see relationships as one way streets, all going their way?
You are exactly right on the rock and a hard place. Look at the BJ example. Three possible outcomes can happen. Outcome #1, I get no BJ's, the result is a GREATLY dimminished relationship with plenty of resentment. Outcome #2, I ask her for BJ's and she does them willingly. I will then feel guilty for her having to do them, and she will build up her resentment because willingness will ALWAYS cause resentment in the long run. Outcome #3, she starts doing them (without me asking) because she WANTS to do them for me, she ENJOYS doing them to me. This outcome builds TONS of positive points in both love banks.
Seems to me that only outcome 3 will help the marriage.
But beyond that, what kind of person would withhold incredible pleasure from their spouse?
#2, I ask her for BJ's and she does them willingly. I will then feel guilty for her having to do them, and she will build up her resentment because willingness will ALWAYS cause resentment in the long run.
UTTER BOLLOCKS
Why would you feel guilty - why?
And why would willingness cause resentment? If someone is graciously giving a gift there is NO reason for them to be resentful. I think there is a lot of projection going on here Cemar. YOU are the one who feels resentful when you do something for her for 'free'.
If you would just for one second climb out of your centre of the universe chair you might stand a chance. Not until that second have you any hope whatsoever.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
COme on, you mean after you have just inveted your friend to the 100th time in a row to do something with you, that you would not start trying to find a better friend?
Think back to when people date. If I was asking out a woman, and she was showing no real desire for me after 3-4 dates, Why on earth would I continue to date her? Marriage is really no different then dating. Just because you get married does not mean you no longer have to show desire for your man.
I have some of the same issues in my marriage as you seem to have.
My wife almost never initiates sex. It just isn't something that she desires. She would much rather go shopping than to have sex (with me anyway). . . it sucks but there it is.
I'm trying to come up with an analogy . . . I don't really like peas. They don't do a thing for me. Eating them doesn't make me sick but I would never seek them out own my own free will. Infact, I would be perfectly happy if I never ate them again. If my wife puts them on my plate then I will eat them. She cooked them and she gets some satisfaction when I enjoy a meal she cooks (I'm the cook 99.9% of the time). I think my wife sees sex as I see eating peas. She will do it if I show an interest and prusue her, but I know that if she had her druthers she would rather be at the mall.
I wish someone would have told me this before I married.
Because, deep down, on an unconscious level, Cemar doesn't feel worthy of such a gift. He doesn't believe he is lovable. In order for him not to feel guilty he needs to believe that she is getting as much out of it as he is.
