Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Well here I am....

I have a lot of anger about that. I'm sorry, in my book, you don't just throw away marriage casually. especially one with children...and that's exactly what my h did. I don't mean to say I'm a walking anger-bot, but at the same time, I'll never understand it. and it makes me mad because our kids have to pay the price of his casualness.

yeah the 26th of July....

Know what sucks?

Now I have to really change all these things. Cable's still in his name - need him to go with me to change it Water's in his name...same deal. Insurance is still joint. Gotta call them and change that.

And to top it off, because I hold a security clearance, I have to report ALL changes to marital status.....to an office gossip

KS, I can't really predict if we would have reconciled if we had D. My feeling is that if we had D, it would have been after five or six years of trying to work it out, with no progress. I don't think we would have D, if either one of us was'nt at least 98% sure about it.

I can recall at least two couples that I know personally that D and then they remarried. Both say the second go around was much better.

It sounds a lot like your H was'nt completely sure about D. I don't know the details about your sitch so it's hard for me to comment on it. But, W dropped the bomb on me in October of 2000. She loved me but was not IL with me. We separated about a year and a half later, and lived separated for FOUR years. There was a period of about four years where my W had no hope for our M. She'd barely hug me, and could'nt return a "I love you too". At one point she'd made up her mind to D, and "her heart was at peace with it".

It was a long process to live through, but we turned things around. It takes a long time for a heart to change, for a person to change. Six months, 12 months, 24 months, that's just a sneeze. Our transition was five years in the making. I'd do it all again if I had to, no regrets.

Here's what I know:
1) Miracles really do happen, and they happen to average people like us.
2) It takes the courage to wrestle a wild animal, the strength to persevere an ice storm, and the kind of faith that moves mountains.
3) Humility reigns, freedom carries, and persistence ultimately conquers.
4) Fear, anxiety, disbelief, negative attitude, neediness, selfishness, jealousy, resentment, expectations, will drag you down like lead pants.
5) The word CAN'T, should only apply to rules one follows, NOT as a killer of one's hopes, and dreams. That word should be stricken from any reference relating to your potential to change your life, your M, your anything.
6) Quit is not an option as long as my S was not abusive, or cheating.

I realize I was blessed with a woman that had morals, a concience, and truly cared about our kids. I honestly think that we'd not stayed together if it were not for the kids. Neither of us dated, or had affairs that I know of while we were separated. She was a WAW, but she hung in there a VERY long time when all she really wanted was to run.

You are D now, and that's what you are. So live in the moment. Be strong, be healthy, and love all the people the Lord brings into your life. Forgive your H, let go, and move on with your life. Get YOURSELF, YOUR life in order. There's nothing to say that two people can't remarry after the D. Nothing at all. So if that's what you want, if that's your goal, then get to work!

God Bless,

COG

I am so sorry.

I am sorry your M has reach the stage of where it is today. But, I am a believer that a D is not the end, unless you want it to be. As COG stated people do remarry after a D and generally are better off afterwards, then before the D. To me a divorce is nothing more then a piece a paper that states (in the eyes of society) that a husband and a wife lost their love for each other and they could not work out there difference and decided to go their separate ways. It does not say or state anywhere in the decree that they do not still have feeling for each other or that they can not work out their differences or that they can not remarry. It's just a piece of paper unless you want it to be more.

I wish you all the best and you have my deepest sympathy. I know how you feel.

Cog I want to thank you for your input. Our sitch is definitely a bit different than yours. The short Reader's Digest version - his friends came before me, I felt unloved by him, someone at work made me feel important and I stepped out of my marriage. One time. That's all it took to wreck our family. In less than one year. It's over.

He doesn't love me like he should now. His heart is numb towards me.

That doesn't give me a good feeling. To say now that we could remarry - I honestly don't know if I could trust him again. Trust him to try and not to run. He was trying somewhat because of this plan he created. He wanted to divorce, move back home 1 September and work on us for that next year - and if things were good with us, get remarried on our anniversary. I have a whole gamut of emotions - anger that he didn't really try, not even for a month. Sadness to know how he really feels about me.

I know now, that all I can do is work on me. I'm working on getting out of debt, getting into shape, and being the best mom I can be.

I do wish people would stop telling me I need to find someone else. I'm SO not ready for someone else and as of right now, doubt I'll ever be ready again...

KS Chick,

Okay I understand more. Here's some more advice, FWIW.

Check out http://www.divorcecare.com It's an awesome program, designed for people in just your state, separated, and newly divorced. Goes through the emotions, finances, and will help you avoid the pitfalls of being recently divided.

I remember one of the instructor's of the program, via video, explaining that most WAS will return to the M within 5 years of leaving. If the LBS is still single, then things can work out. If the LBS is with someone else, then it virtually never works out. They also said that one should not date for at least a year or two after D.

I wish you the best. Seek good counsel. You're friends that suggest you just find someone else are ill advised. You've got to heal completely first.

Hang in there!

Love,

COG

I wonder what the actual statistics are. Irregardless that is a very reassuring thought for me.