Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Frustrated and More Saddened #3

Thanks Nugget and Bar. The whole boundary thing is tough for me. Because I truly want her to have the space that she needs to try and straighten this out. When she told me she had to move out in the beginning of July, I told her I understood and would not stand in her way. Well, she hasn't moved out. She spends most nights at home. Its just that if I try and set some boundaries, she is going to point to that as control (one of her complaints in our relationship) and then she can justify her leaving. It seems to be a fine line. I think I have to do it. I don't see any other choice. I was okay with dealing with these types of problems (staying out all night, not calling when she does, ups and downs, no emotional contact, no intimacy) short term, or even longer term if it was helping things get better. But it clearly isn't based on her conversation with my friend (or is it and she didn't want it getting back to me). I just don't know.

Stew sorry the weekend turned out the way it did. Wishing you good luck today with the anniversary.

As far as boundaries...I can understand where you are coming from. Its a tough situation to be in. My H has expressed as much to me about my coming and going at our house at my leisure. This was a heated conversation and was the catalyst for my leaving permanently instead of just spending a few nights at my Mom's getting perspective and a few nights at home. Now I have my own place I don't really have any reason to go there other than to pick up D4 and spend time with the dog. Interaction has been decreased about 90% since this convo. We have gone to a couple of group functions, a couple family nights with D4 and one date since then.

So I guess my point is although her behavior is irritating and you think you have had enough, tread lightly. Try to approach it diplomatically. Don't get heated up or she may finally take that next step and move out as she has mentioned in the past.

Only you know when you have reached your limit. If you really are feeling like a doormat then speak up and let her know. Part of the whole rebuilding our M's is communication and being honest about our feelings. This works both ways, LBS & WAS all need to work on this in order to get our M's back on track. Just because she is the WAW doesn't mean you have continously deal with behaviors that you find unacceptable.

Good luck with everything today. Let us know how it goes.

WAW:

Thanks for the insight. The whole boundaries thing can lead to what happened in your situation, and that is why I am a bit wary. I remembered from your thread that is how things wound up-with you leaving permanently. That is definitely not what I want. But, correct me if I am wrong but you would not stay out until all hours of the night, not call your H if you were not coming home etc... Point is, I think H may have overreacted to your comings and goings, and I think that at least from my perspective I would be justified with the way she has been acting.



I know, definitely would be bad for me, so I am keeping this in mind.




Well put. I think this is what I struggle with the most. She clearly is doing the things that would really anger me in the past like not calling when she is staying out to let me know she is safe. I haven't been giving her a hard time about it like I would have in the past.

BUT:

It wasn't a complete loss all weekend. We had talked on Saturday about going on Sunday and doing something, going for a hike, picnic etc at a state park about an hour away. When it appeared to me that she was going to spend all day in bed (she said she didn't feel well), I decided to get up and do something. Kind of annoyed me, but I let it go. So anyway, I went to the mall and decided I would really like to purchase a plasma TV. So I came back with a nice big screen plasma TV and my father came up to assist with the assembly (mostly just because he wanted to check out the new TV). But at least I got a new TV out of the weekend. Yankees and Jets games are going to look good on there, whether my W is sitting next to me or not.

WAW, and others, what do you think about my W's comments to our friend from college about things getting better (or should I say not getting better)? I believe I posted about it yesterday, 11:58 am.

Stew just wanted to let you know I am up on your sit, but as you know don't think I can be much help right now, but stay strong, and think of you first!
Its something I am trying to do!

Stew,

As you said, your W is still in the house and talking to you. The boundary issue isn't really a boundary issue at all -- it's you being concerned for her welfare and worried about where she is. I know everytime she doesn't call or gives you another lame excuse as to why, you feel disrespected. Asking her to call is probably being perceived by her as an attempt at control. Just stop asking. You know she's not going to anyway. Just let it go and keep doing things for yourself.

I'm thinking of a little HDTV action myself when I move out. Can't really afford it, but . . .

BD

Thanks Limbo. I am going to do my best over here. Hope things start to improve for you soon. Keep your eyes open and try to look for the small things that improve.

Heim:



That is exactly right. It is not about anything other than peace of mind for me. I just want to know that she is safe. Helps me sleep better.



You are right. I do feel disrespected. In my eyes it is common courtesy to make a phone call like that. She chooses not to do it even though she knows how important it is to me.



I don't ask her each time. When we started having issues and she began to stay out at night, I just asked her that when she arrives wherever she is staying, that she please call me. Just to say I am at so and so's and I am safe. That's it. I have stopped asking. But she knows she is not holding up her part on this because each morning after it happens she tells me sorry but I fell asleep, or phone died or some other lame excuse. So I know she is making a conscious decision to basically piss me off. I don't ever call her on it, I just come here and complain about it.



Best Buy has a great no interest promotion going right now. Plasma TV's no interest for 3 years. All other TVs 999 and up no interest for 2 years. The Orioles will still look as bad on a nice 42 inch t.v., big screen TVs don't cure everything.... just messing with you. The O's have handed it to the Yanks last few series.

OK, cool, because it sounded like you were close to letting loose on her.

Yeah, I was eyeballing the best buy circular in the paper yesterday. I figure I could afford 55 bucks or so a month for 2 years. No worries about the Orioles, though I will admit to pulling against the Yankees. Just something about buying the pennant bugs the hell out of me. The only sport I watch is football -- even if I have to watch the Skins mostly this year. At least their D should be better with games worth watching.

BD

Exactly, I wasn't coming & going in that manner. I was coming and going to spend time with D4. But we weren't on a schedule so he claimed it was "as I pleased" now we have a firm understanding that I stay at the house on the days I have D4. The days are clearly laid out and so far its working. Although now with me having my own place I imagine I will be spending less and less time at the house as D4 gets accustomed to spending time at my place. For my H this outburst was clearly a control issue. Not worrying about my safety. That being said, I never stayed out overnight anywhere before we were separated or even after for that matter. I guess its just not in my nature. I like to go out have a good time but I always went home and still do.

As far as telling your friend that things had not improved, I wouldn't call it alien spew necessarily. She may just be stating the obvious. For her things may not have improved. I know thats tough to hear since you are doing so much work. It will take time for her to see that your changes are real and lasting. This same issue came up in my MC sesh on Saturday. I am taking things very slow and being cautious about our relationship. I told the MC that I wanted for H & I to work on being friends, learning to trust each other before anything else could happen. Baby steps. Don't let this discourage you.

Exactly, I wasn't coming & going in that manner. I was coming and going to spend time with D4. But we weren't on a schedule so he claimed it was "as I pleased" now we have a firm understanding that I stay at the house on the days I have D4. The days are clearly laid out and so far its working. Although now with me having my own place I imagine I will be spending less and less time at the house as D4 gets accustomed to spending time at my place. For my H this outburst was clearly a control issue. Not worrying about my safety. That being said, I never stayed out overnight anywhere before we were separated or even after for that matter. I guess its just not in my nature. I like to go out have a good time but I always went home and still do.

As far as telling your friend that things had not improved, I wouldn't call it alien spew necessarily. She may just be stating the obvious. For her things may not have improved. I know thats tough to hear since you are doing so much work. It will take time for her to see that your changes are real and lasting. This same issue came up in my MC sesh on Saturday. I am taking things very slow and being cautious about our relationship. I told the MC that I wanted for H & I to work on being friends, learning to trust each other before anything else could happen. Baby steps. Don't let this discourage you.

Exactly, I wasn't coming & going in that manner. I was coming and going to spend time with D4. But we weren't on a schedule so he claimed it was "as I pleased" now we have a firm understanding that I stay at the house on the days I have D4. The days are clearly laid out and so far its working. Although now with me having my own place I imagine I will be spending less and less time at the house as D4 gets accustomed to spending time at my place. For my H this outburst was clearly a control issue. Not worrying about my safety. That being said, I never stayed out overnight anywhere before we were separated or even after for that matter. I guess its just not in my nature. I like to go out have a good time but I always went home and still do.

As far as telling your friend that things had not improved, I wouldn't call it alien spew necessarily. She may just be stating the obvious. For her things may not have improved. I know thats tough to hear since you are doing so much work. It will take time for her to see that your changes are real and lasting. This same issue came up in my MC sesh on Saturday. I am taking things very slow and being cautious about our relationship. I told the MC that I wanted for H & I to work on being friends, learning to trust each other before anything else could happen. Baby steps. Don't let this discourage you.