lwb, we need to take control of our lives again. we do. we need to stop this eggshell crap. we are being treated like dirt, and deserve better. so we need to start treating ourselves better. we do.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
well, here I am. its thursday afternoon and just got home after a busy morning...took the kids up to h's house, picking my dad up along the way. called h to give him a heads up that dad was coming to the planetarium with S5 and I. H hasn't seen my dad since the bomb, and was not overjoyed, but said hi to him and such when I got there. not sure dad even responded, actually. I don't go into the gory details with my parents, because if we should reconcile, I don't want those specifics in their head. I did tell them about the affair, but just tend to leave things a bit more general with them other than that. still, don't think dad is real pleased with H.
we had a nice time at the planetarium, it was smaller than I expected, but fun for a 5 year old, and I enjoyed taking him, as well as spending some time with my dad. dropped S5 off at H's after. I stopped in to give hugs and kisses to the kids. I left pretty quickly, not really saying much to h. I wasn't being mean, just focused on the kids, and polite but not effusive to him. he seemed taken aback that I was leaving so quickly. guess since ow wasn't there, he had time not to be a jerk. whatever.
after, had some lunch with dad and had a nice talk. good, because all I wanted to do was drive home and cry. talking with dad was much better. I sounded so strong talking to him, I almost had a birds eye view of it. we got to talking about different philosophies of happiness and such, it was interesting. dad and I aren't exactly alike, but we have many similarities. as a child, I used to love having talks with him, but its been years since I have. need to do more of that.
then I did cry some on the drive home. just upset about leaving the kids, even though I know its good for them. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, so won't sit and wallow, but its always hard when I first part from them. it didn't help that h's upacked bag was sitting in the living room. guessing I was dead-on that the reason he was so cold/distant sounding on the phone was that she was with him. obviously he wasn't at his mom's last night...he must have walked in not long before I got there with the kids this morning.
when will I stop caring? seriously. I am gal, I am doing a lot of things here, but I can't seem to find that magic button that I can push and just stop caring finally.
Last edited by morgan; 08/16/0707:04 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I guess. but somehow, someday, I have to stop caring. I have to move on. I do. and logically I know I need to....just don't know what it will take. he asked me a few weeks ago what it would "f-ing take" for me to stop loving him. his words. nice, huh? I guess I don't know. I know I don't like him...I know I am moving further away from him. but I can't seem to let completely go. I really am wondering what it will take for me to finally release him completely.
didn't share my dream last night, but I can't seem to shake it, so I guess I will now. in my dream, I was at this party, at her house. but it wasn't the ow that he is having an affair with...apparently he was also having an affair with this woman, was in love with her, had basically created a whole life with her. It was bizarre...I kept going into rooms looking to get a glimpse of her. I wasn't angry, more stunned/surprised/confused. I kept running into all of her friends and family, who had believed H and I were already divorced, etc. I kept missing her, but I did open a door and there H was, sitting on a chair in her kids' room (she had two sons, this mystery woman). he was singing them a lullaby and softly playing guitar (he does have a guitar, but doesn't know how to play, so that alone was weird). H looked more at home and happy than I have seen him look in a long time...certainly since the bomb anyway. he looked up at me and nodded, but like he would to anyone walking into the scene...just kind of an acknowledgement of presence. a while later we talked and he was telling me about all these instances of him being gone on business trips, or just out in trade for the day, or whatever, it turned out he was really with her. my dream was elaborate, lots of attention to detail...people and places that don't even exist, as far as I know.
I can't seem to get it out of my mind. not sure if its my subconscious trying to get me to understand that he has a new life now. part of me, apparently, can't accept that it is with the OW he is actually having the affair with, I had to create this mystery woman.
very strange. left me feeling very hollow when I woke up. and maybe because the dream was trying to make me face what I don't want to face. I want my world back...but its gone. he's been gone for so long now. and the H I see now, isn't the one I love. its like an invasion of the body snatchers. he's been replaced by someone I don't even want to know. but I can't stop grieving for the man he used to be.
wow, really sounding pathetic here, aren't I?
Last edited by morgan; 08/16/0711:09 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
does anybody else think about things, just wonder about the logistics, even if they are a ways off? I'm mulling over stupid things tonight. no idea why, not fixating on them, just mulling here. all of this is assuming, of course, that H and I are in the same place/further apart. (if things somehow or other change in a good way, well, these things won't be problems). yeah, I know these things are far off, but am I really the only one who thinks about stuff like this?
holidays...last spring I had them divided out (think it was one of those, find control somewhere since all else was out of control). h said he'd go along with whatever I wanted. I don't know anyone who is divorced/separated, so don't know what the norm is. I came up with: me (halloween), H (thanksgiving), me (x-mas eve/morning), H (x-mas day/night), me (easter). and yeah, I know halloween isn't a major holiday, but its fun so I threw that in there..actually, I had 4th of july in there, too (his). is this a normal way to divide things? seems fair to me, but will be weird not spending t-giving with the kids. will be weird not hosting a huge group, actually...since we were first married, H and I have hosted all the holidays, both sides came if they could. obviously that will change.
how the hell am I going to get the christmas tree in the stand this year? I know the farm I'll take the kids to, and I know they'll tie the tree on my car and such. but getting the thing in the stand/up straight will be...interesting. yeah, H would probably help if I asked him to, but if we are still apart, I don't want to ask him. hmmmm. I'm stubborn, hate asking for help from friends and such...will I relent on this? might have to.
christmas cards...do I write, from the "x" family? or do I write my name and the kids and leave it at that? that will be easier if we are definitely divorcing, but if we are still in limbo, therein lies the question.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I want to call H. I want to call and ask all the R questions I know I'm not supposed to. I want to call and go off on him about acting like such a jerk. I want to call and just go off on him for hurting me, for leaving our marriage, for not giving a damn, for every single thing I am hurt/angry about.
but I will not call H
(maybe if I keep saying it, I won't)
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Invite your dad over for dinner and ask him to go get the tree with you and your kids. Problem solved.
The cards? Wait and see how you feel then.
Now...onto all the other 'gunky' stuff in your posts. SIGH to the dream. BIG sigh. I have had the oddest, most 'empty' dreams lately, some of me wandering around alone in a strange town, some with H being very angry and vicious towards me, and me begging him to tell my why. I could go on. I wake up drained and sad each time. I know what you mean.
And I haven't gotten to thinking about holiday logistics yet, but you can bet I have started thinking about separating and working out the kids and their care, and having equal time with them. My schedule is so crazy and H finally found a job last week (ironic), and his schedule will conflict with mine at time.
Wanted to comment about the overnight bag. I sooo know the feeling of the slap in the face, especially last night when my own girls tell me they had dinner with Miss X and her kids. Its so hard, and sometimes a good cry can make you stronger. Lately when I talk to people about H, I cry afterward, mostly from the release and from knowing someone cares for me.
Problem solved. 