I had my procedure on Friday, I had to drive myself since my W. that suggested this 2 months ago has decided it is not the best thing, since the next person I meet might want to have children. My response was I have all the biological children I want, so that is not an issue for me. I suppose it was guilt like know since she has decided her love for me is completely dead and the papers (which aren't filed yet) are just a formality.
She also informed me she expects me to give full financial support above and beyond child support and other daily necessities to her until she can find someone else who can help her keep the house for our son as she contends. On top of that she told me how she dreads coming home sometimes and although I have been so nice and done a great job and treated her well; she just wishes I would stop because it is a waste of time.
She feels like running away from this she doesn't want to face it anymore, she is miserable and I am to blame for it all. Her words, Well thanks in part to the medication and painkillers I did not receive this bit of news well. I did not yell because expressed my frustration given the situation. I tried to be comforting and somewhat neutral but was further irritated when she then took her ring off, yet again!
Unfortunately I am not sure how I feel anymore other than I am very worried about how she will face reality. I feel very responsible for a lot of this, but not enough to support everything finacially and live in a cardboard box until she finds someone else.
The sad part is my W. is very independant and just seems to be going 180 in opposite direction. I really wish she would go to counseling, but since she is not crazy (her words). It won't help. Don't know but a very stressful and unsettling weekend to say the least.
One positive though she is finally expressing openly how mad she is about everything, it has been bottled up for some time.
Any thoughts?
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
If she is finally expressing her anger, you have a great opportunity. Dig down deep and respond only with validation---no frustration, no arguing, no telling your side---and let her vent.
Originally Posted By: thegoodfight
she told me how she dreads coming home sometimes and although I have been so nice and done a great job and treated her well; she just wishes I would stop because it is a waste of time.
This sounds like guilt talking, and it's her issue. You behave the way you need to---and good for you treating her well. This isn't just about her; it's also about you and the person you want to be, for yourself and your son. If she really gets on your case about it, you might tell her you're just working on yourself.
I don't know what to tell you about the financial stuff. Since nothing's been filed yet, perhaps this is another good opportunity to just listen to her fears about the future.
Thanks for the the thoughts Puddle, unfortunately W. told the sister this weekend about the issues. So now I have her coaching my W. in regards to being happy again (which for her is starting fresh). This is the one who packed up her kids and left in the middle of the night to get away.
I just continue to be supportive and give my W. want she wants. I wish I could do more with my son but it is going to take about a week before I can wrestle and chase him around the park like he loves. Oh well at least I have a lot of introspective time.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
My W. is not sleeping well wakes up about 3 times a night. She seems very irritated probably due to the lack of sleep. She has said it is just stress, I asked her to think about seeing somebody about it! But she said she sleeps fine until she wakes up, then she can't go back to sleep. Don't know, I told her about this weekend my Dad's Bday, told her if she wanted to come she was welcome but if she wanted to stay everyone would understand. She said she will probably come!
I dare to say she probably won't, she has alinged herself with her friend and sister that have been and are going through a divorce. So the divorce isn't so bad support is rocking in full effect now. I am pretty sure that is what is contributing to her added stress, plus she told my parents she was done. Still has not brought up any matters for arrangements though!
I find that interesting, of course after posting this I am sure it will come up this evening. Last night we both played with S. his favorite games and had a good time. My S. hugged us both when she came in the door and said happy and pushed her head and mine together.
It is amazing what little ones pick up on. It brought a tear to my eye and she looked like she was mad at me again I am sure. Because I put us in this position, I made her feel this way. I am causing this family to divide.
I don't argue, there isn't much point at disagreeing. It becomes a question of forgiving. Can you forgive or does it feel better to hold on to the hate? What happens when the hate goes away, then what, then what do you have regret, or peace. I doubt many find peace through hate!
Best of days to all, I hope we are given grace and the ability to push on. May his armour protect us from those that wish to see us destroyed. I see the attacks all the time now, some traps I fall into and some others are, constant attacks at my W. through family and friends that "mean Well". Constant attacks toward me, signs like give up move on, just give her what she wants. Heck even my Dad said son after talking with her I would just say get a lawyer. I love my Step dad, but I don't think he is right this time. I am going with my gut and hanging in there.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
My W. is not sleeping well wakes up about 3 times a night. She seems very irritated probably due to the lack of sleep. She has said it is just stress, I asked her to think about seeing somebody about it! But she said she sleeps fine until she wakes up, then she can't go back to sleep. Don't know, I told her about this weekend my Dad's Bday, told her if she wanted to come she was welcome but if she wanted to stay everyone would understand. She said she will probably come!
I dare to say she probably won't, she has alinged herself with her friend and sister that have been and are going through a divorce. So the divorce isn't so bad support is rocking in full effect now. I am pretty sure that is what is contributing to her added stress, plus she told my parents she was done. Still has not brought up any matters for arrangements though!
I find that interesting, of course after posting this I am sure it will come up this evening. Last night we both played with S. his favorite games and had a good time. My S. hugged us both when she came in the door and said happy and pushed her head and mine together.
It is amazing what little ones pick up on. It brought a tear to my eye and she looked like she was mad at me again I am sure. Because I put us in this position, I made her feel this way. I am causing this family to divide.
I don't argue, there isn't much point at disagreeing. It becomes a question of forgiving. Can you forgive or does it feel better to hold on to the hate? What happens when the hate goes away, then what, then what do you have regret, or peace. I doubt many find peace through hate!
Best of days to all, I hope we are given grace and the ability to push on. May his armour protect us from those that wish to see us destroyed. I see the attacks all the time now, some traps I fall into and some others are, constant attacks at my W. through family and friends that "mean Well". Constant attacks toward me, signs like give up move on, just give her what she wants. Heck even my Dad said son after talking with her I would just say get a lawyer. I love my Step dad, but I don't think he is right this time. I am going with my gut and hanging in there.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I dare to say she probably won't, she has alinged herself with her friend and sister that have been and are going through a divorce. So the divorce isn't so bad support is rocking in full effect now.
Sounds just like my wife's support group. 4 divorced friends and on that is married but very unhappy in her own M. My wife assures me that she is making her own decisions and they are not influencing her. I wish I could believe that, but I find if very hard to believe.
Originally Posted By: thegoodfight
My S. hugged us both when she came in the door and said happy and pushed her head and mine together.
Funny that you mention that. We were walking through an outdoor mall weekend before last and we were both holding our son's hand. He kept pushing our hands together. I found it very interesting as did my wife, from the expression on her face. After he did it for about the first time, my W told him to stop that he was hurting her hand.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
My W. did not pull away but you could tell she was off guard. Unfortunately so many people just believe D. is the answer to all marital issues. Just walk away and start fresh it will all be better.
I wonder to myself how do you figure especially when Kids are involved. I don't blame her for her choice it is just that her sisters situation certainly has not helped matters at all. I don't know I just hope so goes to see a professional for herself so she can work issues out.
I decided I would hang in there until the end and make her life as comfortable as possible for my S. for her and finally for me. It is similar to when someone is taking morphine for the pain just before expireing. Unfortunately our issues do not have to be relationship ending, but since I can not control her feelings, I try and do the next best thing.
I was talking with her a little last night about when she was pregnant. Funny clue came out of it she remembers me as not that into it. I gently said wow, I remember it differently and citied all the hospital visits talking to her belly at night, picking out stuff for the babies room, building the crib. Looking at sporting equipment when I found out it was a boy and jumping up and down after we found out. I also said if that is how you remember it that is fine, my memories are very different.
My point is when things are bad, it appears even past experiences with that person are remembered in a different light. Again I think they (the ones who want out) are just validating their feelings and making themselves believe this has always been a problem. Sad, because despite her wanting gone, I remember the good times still. She had a wonderful pregnancy, she was very happy and was not sick at all. We had fun together, she asked to see the tape of when our S. was born, I think it would be good for her to see that again especially since she asked for it.
I know something is bothering her very badly, if you make a decision and you are comfortable with it, should it not give you some peace and allow you some rest?
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Unfortunately our issues do not have to be relationship ending, but since I can not control her feelings, I try and do the next best thing.
My point is when things are bad, it appears even past experiences with that person are remembered in a different light. Again I think they (the ones who want out) are just validating their feelings and making themselves believe this has always been a problem. Sad, because despite her wanting gone, I remember the good times still.
GF, I believe the same thing that our issues do not have to be life ending that with alot of work and dedication on both of our parts that things could be worked out. All we need to do is want to make things better and start always putting one another's happiness first that we could re-build what we had. I just think because our problems were going on for some time, an the OW, and him claiming to have no love for me at all prevents him from trying to see things in a different light.
I know he doesn't appear to be completely happy now at least when he is around me that is. I know that he does miss the kids and I can see a softness come over him when our D hugs and kisses him. He also is not going to be in an easy financial sitch with the child support, our mortgage payment and possibly buying me out. Yes they think the divorce is the answer to an unhappy sitch in the M but it just creates a whole different set of problems and unhappiness. I just pray every day that someday soon that he will come to this realization on his own and not no 13 years down the road and say Yeah, I regret the decisions I made way back then to just run.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I hope so too, unfortunately when an OP is still involved it is a false crutch for someone. I don't think it is reason to give up hope though. I admire so many people for doing all they can and in the end whether or not it works out, you gave it your all. There is no shame in that, and we all know it won't just get better on its own.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
