Heimlich, I continue to be amazed at the similarities of our WAW's and of our intitial cluelessness about how to handle their feelings.
In case OT did not make it clear enough, DO NOT engage in any R talk. I mean it, NONE. If she starts talking about the R (without first recommitting to the M) just validate like crazy and do not offer your perspective AT ALL!!! If you even use the word "I" other than to say "I understand" or "I can see how you felt that way", you are doing nothing to help your sitch!!
You can do this, really! If you really want to understand how to communicate with your W, there are lots of good books/courses out there. I took a listening skills class and it was a huge eye opener. I actually took it for work, but helped a ton at home too!
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Of course, this could all be wrong. Perhaps your W was just annoyed about the pressure and did not feel at all victimized. However, given her deep concern with it and frequent restatement of her feelings, this seems unlikely.
OT,
I've thought about what you've written a good bit, I think there's a combination of the two things. I truly believe that my W's predominent feeling is pressure and not liking it and feeling like an object, which I have validated to her. I think she has made herself feel like a victim to an extent, that I don't think she's articulated this to herself (it's not the way she really thinks) and really feels like I did this to her. Partly, I think, so that she can blame me for the D. Sadly, I think the fundamental disconnect that began this was pretty simple. I wasn't meeting her expectations of doing enough around the house. Over time, she withdrew sexually. As she withdrew sexually, I became emotionally disconnected from her. As I became emotionally disconnected from her, vice versa. It was a downward spiral. We did intermittantly interupt this slide because there was a lot of love between us. But really, and sadly, it's a cliche -- I didn't really understand what she needed and she didn't really understand what I needed. Had kids. Stopped talking. Emotionally detached. Here I am.
Dis and SD, Thanks guys. Trust me, no R talk. We talked a little bit about splitting assets and child care/sharing tonight in preparation for tomorrow, but we don't have any fundamental disagreements. We're both perfectly happy to shuffle our work schedules to help the other, switch off weekends, share the costs for them, etc.
Feeling a lot disappointed. I just know in my bones that we could have a great life together. Not getting that chance really does hurt. The devil on my left shoulder though says that there are some lovely ladies in my dance class and that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Sigh, I'd just rather be happy with the one I already caught.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
If we ever get back to that sort of intimacy I will back off when I get the obvious body language.
Not only is this key, but it's also key to back off in a respectful way. I'll admit, I was spoiled, but if we went 4 or 5 days without sex, I would sometimes get, don't know the exact word here, huffy or snippy and accept her refusal with bad grace. Not all the time, but more than I should have. It was an extremely immature way to act.
Whether I work things out with my W or begin a new R, this is a behavior of mine that I am going to be on guard against. On the other hand, a key criteria for my next R is openness and an ability to talk about uncomfortable things, so it should be less of an issue.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
