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on "not blowing the volunteer thing"..are you saying that you have NOT turned him down? that things are now open to you actually doing that together?

On camping:


If he says that, then you have an opening for more conversation. Ask why he didnt go before. if it was the tent thing, you have an opportunity to say, "i guess that was a miscommunication on my part.. i would have preferred in an RV, but I really dont mind tenting it...."

Ask him about it. Make it just conversational. Show interest in him to some degree.

you are trying to wimp out by all these things he could say.
So what?
Forget about strategy, or any "desired outcome". Just chat with him about it.
You both like camping. sounds like a common interest. So, it should be a pleasant topic of conversation.

"where are you headed?" "oh should be nice this time of year/ Hmm.. isnt that rather hot/cold right now..." etc, etc.

Oh Dom!
You over estimate my strength to keep it together! maybe one day in the future; but right now I am a just a bundle of raw nerves.
And it would be a pleasant topic of conversation.... if I wasn't being excluded.

I guess I am just too immature to handle this. I can barely see the computer screen for all the tears I am crying.

You know how it is suggested that we LBS GAL and that often the WAS will feel jealous (or whatever) about all the excitement we are having? It works both ways, apparently. *sigh*

Awww.. i'm sorry....

Today, just take a break, and do something super-induldgent for you. A nice meal out, or long bubble-bath, or whatever would make YOU feel treated special.

See how you feel tomorrow, about asking him about the camping.

thanks.

Well, for now I need to get out of the house and stay out so that I don't have to see him. Maybe I'll take myself to a movie.

As Ahnold would say "Ah'll be bock"

sounds like a good plan, agent99! if you go to a movie, let me know what you picked and how you liked it. thinking about taking myself to one next week if I get the chance...probably bourne, maybe the jane austen one.

I didn't ever turn him down. I only made the face when he said he was looking into volunteering. And I think him suggesting we could do it together was *only* because he could see I was sad/miffed that he was doing it now. I never said no to him.



I picked the Simpsons on your recommedation and enjoyed it very much. I have seen Bourne and can recommend it.

So, I get home from the movie and his car is parked in the garage (where I now park MY car.) >:(
Then I come inside. I had left a note on top of two bags of chips from the pantry, next to the mail. The note said
"Have fun! I am totally jealous! (yes, these chips are for you.)"

So, on the table was the note, next to the pen I used to write it with. No mail. No chips. And do you know what he wrote to me?

C'mon- try to guess...... Give up? He wrote (drum roll please) ....Nothing. Not a "thanks". Not a "lawn looks great" (I had mowed it.) Not a "I'm a jerk for parking in the garage". Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Out of curiousity, I go check the shed to see how many sleeping bags were taken. NONE. He did take an air mattress and some other stuff (not sure what exactly, but one of the campings bins was open and riffled thru.)

I go upstairs to my bedroom. On my bed, two pillows from the linen closet. ?????????????????????????????? Okay, so he got them out and forgot to take them, I guess...but why would he not bring his own f'ing pillows anyway? Was that some sort of symbol like a horse head in a bed? Was he trying to tell me something?

I didn't expect a novel from him, but a "thanks" would have been nice.

OH! And in between my runnings around today, I realized that there might be a chance that he would only go to the shed and not go into the house, so i sent him a text message that said "FYI-there is mail for you in the house. have fun!"

And do you know what his reply to that was? Another big goose egg. I would have expected a "got it, thanks" or even "ok, thanks" or even "K" Something. But Nooooooo.

How flipping rude.

My friend had convinced me that i should be flattered and happy that he is doing constructive things with his time and not just going out drinking. That it was a compliment that he was actually doing things I had suggested. Well, how come I feel incredibly insulted right this moment?!

Nooo expectations Agent99. None...

It sucks, it hurts, it's hard, but drop ANY expectations of your H.

Did he leave his keys? If so I'd move the car and put yours in the garage. And when he gets back, I'd set some better rules about access to the house. He has too much "free run" and it's not doing either of you any good.

(((Agent99)))

Hey... hope you feel better today





ooo.
well, in that case... maybe after he gets back from his trip, you should follow up, and tactfully take him up on his offer to do the volunteer stuff directly. But only if he's in a positive communicative mood at the time.


About the pre-camping: like Nikki said, expectations are gonna drive you insane. try to drop em completely.

that being said....

Not replying to you, is rather disturbing.
I'd say the probability he's off with some other woman, went up from 10%, to 30%
Guilt stopping him from replying to your "have a nice time" wish.
especially with your "joke" 'i'm totally jealous' quip. that might have hit a little too close to the mark for him.


Eh.. i can get a bit paranoid at times. I wouldnt want to get you all like that. but i think you do need to at least look an eye open to that possibility.
There are sooo many people who have had a spouse act like yours, and then 2,3,4 months down the line, they finally find out they were cheating all along.

mixed signals/behaviours. On the one hand, the camping is a huge red flag. On the other hand, the volunteering is a much more positive one, i think.
I'd guess that it's still very worth trying the volunteering together.
hang in there. dont lose heart

Precisely my thoughts, too.

I suppose when he gets back I could just ask who he went with. Or not.

I have lost heart. I mean, c'mon. Leaving pillows on my bed-not taking a sleeping bag (unless there was one somewhere I don't kow about-we have a lot of 'stuff')-not even saying thanks or responding to my text message.

I don't know that I feel 'right' about bringing up volunteering. Plus, he is never going to miss me if I am always around. I will consider if he asks, but I am not going to throw myself at him. Not to mention, what if he recants on that? Do I really need MORE rejection? I think not. Being as how he keeps flip-flopping (wanting to get in my pants and then saying he wants to feel totally broken up the next day), I wouldn't be surprised if he said "nah, I don't think we should volunteer together. I want to feel totally broken up. I think that would confuse things." I can see him saying that.

Must be nice to be the one in the driver's seat. *sigh*

If you're afraid of rejection and failure, you may as well just file for divorce now :P Standing for your marriage, is not for cowards. Or for someone who isnt willing to get hurt.
(Not that divorce doesnt hurt TOO. )


as far as him "not missing you" mode... there's a fine line between missing you, and forgetting you.
Unless you want to go the full-on dark mode for a few months, you might be well off doing positive, interesting things with him, OCCASIONALLY.
If he's not going to be dating you, then you need something else to avoid being "out of sight, out of mind". volunteering might be the best positive thing to do together.
It's something you both enjoy, and it shows you as being a person who is strong enough to help others.
Time spent together that puts you in a positive light. sounds really good to me.


If you want to minimize chance of rejection, then as i said.. timing is important. Wait until he's back in "get into your pants" mode (or at least acting friendly towards you) then gently remind him that HE made the offer of doing volunte0ering directly, and ask him what he had in mind.

Smile sweetly at him, and ask,
"So, when you said [last week?] we might do volunteering together; what kind of volunteer work did you have in mind?"

If he likes volunteering in hospitals, wearing a "naughty nurse" outfit while you ask him, might help....




PS: asking him who he went out with, wont get you anywhere. Ask about how the trip was, if the place was any good, etc, .. just have a nice conversation in general about it, if you want.
If he wants to be decent about it and say who he went with, he will bring it up. if he doesnt, he wont.