Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

Another EXTREMELY rough day yesterday - not like I need anymore on my plate right now

There was a lot of back and forth accusing, deflecting and avoiding, as usual but I think H has finally come to a special place when he said "maybe I just need to listen to you sometimes and not say anything and go away and think about it"

DUH!!! Ya think?? (thought it, didn't say it )

HW, On one of the threads you said Mr. HW used to make business decisions more easily than he does now and said something about AD's, maybe un related to Mr. HW.

My question is, is/was there any connections you can see that caused a change (cause/effect/solutions) in his decision making pattern. Has there been anything that has improved his decision making process so he does it more often or doesn’t take forever, if that was a problem?

I have observed some older friends that ran a business well and now are sloppy, doing what they have to do but not aggressively like they used to do.

I just chalked it up to over-doing in prior years and now being burnt-out.

One guy was making good money as an independent retail business owner and now only wants to substitute-teach a couple times a week. He said, in the beginning, his line of work was easy, but now he has more competition, more rules from the state and federal authorities, and more companies making it more difficult to repair things (proprietary chips/tools/manuals are only sold to company dealers) it’s like the deck is stacked against the individual business owner.

On another note, how is your brother doing?

Lou

Lou, the vast majority of the problems my H faced regarding making (business) decisions was to do with the depression (which led to the affairs) but there is a part of everyone (I think) that as they get older they really don't care anymore.

For instance, my H was self-employed most of his 45+ work years. I could never imagine he would EVER want to work for an employer but it seems he is now content doing that. When we first moved here lasst year, he was talking about buying another company and I just cringed at the thought (knowing where the last one led us) but now that he is, what he calls, "balanced" he is more laid back and eager to just let things be.

I think for most, it is a right of passage as we get older, and not being as concerned about things as we were in the past, therefore it not being such a priority in our lives

As for my brother, he is doing very well thank you. Looks like he might be out as early as Monday or Tuesday. He will be coming to stay with us for a little while (some 4-6 weeks at least) so I think it will do us all good.

I can see the depression influencing a person to get stuck when faced with a decisions. I think my friend that subs at school, just got tired of being too many things to too many people, a typical thing one has to do when operating a small retail/service business.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to help me deal with some of the many problems I have operating my business, but I don't want to hire anyone. I don't ask BB to do anything for me. Once in a while, if she wants me do go some place with her during the day, I will make a quick delivery with her along.

Well "balances" sounds good. Being more laid back also helps. I tend to get too many details going and become unbalanced or maybe just a bit overwhelmed.

This segment of the printer market I am in is very price competitive. If a bid is a little higher than a customer likes, I don't get the job or make the repairs.

All of the printer companies lowered the prices for the equipment but drastically raised the supply prices in a hidden way, by making the supplies so they don't print as many pages but cost almost the same as they did 10 years ago, (then penny a page to now .04 cents a page). Low equipment prices influences many customers to buy new equipment rather than make repairs.

my H was self-employed most of his 45+ work years.
I have heard other business owners who took jobs say they wanted to just do the work according to the job description and wanted someone else worry about all of the other paper work and problem solving management had to deal with. Some guys stuck with being an employee, some moved to mid-management, some got back in business.

Monday or Tuesday for the brother, sounds like good news and that he is making progress. I assume his medication choices are settled upon and working for him.

Lou

There are numerous reasons why H decided just to become an employee but whatever they are, I am pleased. I am very content with having a H that just works M-F, same ole, same ole. It doesn't take much to please me (I just wish he worked days as opposed to nights, sure makes for a terrible sleep)

The main problem with being self-employed is it doesn't stop at the end of the day, or on weekends. It goes 24/7. There is always something that needs to be done. That is VERY draining, especially when your R is already in a crisis (sometimes I think the work was a big part of the problem with our R - or should I say with his identity, which in turn became part of OUR problem)

My brother seems to be fairly balanced right now. Of course I am still very concerned as to whether he will do it again but for the time being, he seems to be fine and the psych seems to think so too. He is taking a combination of Celexa and Wellbutrin but apparently they are going to keep him on some other kind too (for at night) not sure about that one though

(I just wish he worked days as opposed to nights, sure makes for a terrible sleep)
I can relate. BB and I did 3P-11P and 11P to 7A shifts. Sometimes the same shift, most times not, at different locations. The 3P to 11P=OK, 11P to 7A=SUCKED big time. But changing careers, I couldn't get my foot in the door on regular shifts. I did what I had to do.

The main problem with being self-employed is it doesn't stop at the end of the day, or on weekends. It goes 24/7. There is always something that needs to be done. That is VERY draining, especially when your R is already in a crisis
Yea, I kind of have been living in a situation like that to a lesser degree, for a few years.

In my travels, some people that are strictly 9 to 5ers don't get the extra hours that need to be worked when a customer needs something.

I have customers from 100 miles away that drop-off/pick-up things on the week end. I don't mind but BB does.

Good to hear the mix of meds are working for your brother.

BB said some clients that almost died, had long term problems from the suicide attempt, were the ones that wanted to live the most. Once they were going to live, the ones with residual problems helped other suicidal people.

Lou

I was kinda hoping maybe that is what my brother will do (help others) - he has ALWAYS been a VERY compassionate person - thus the reason for him getting into the funeral business as he handled my mother's affairs when she passed away and saw how inconsiderate so many of the funeral staff were. He knew there was a better way

I am also hoping he realizes he now has a second chance at life and to treat it a little more preciously this time around. He is on a day-pass today so I won't be talking to him. There were a few things he wanted to do (go for a huge walk, etc.) so I have to give him that space, however, I think he could hear the concern in my voice because he said "don't worry, I will be okay"

(go for a huge walk, etc.)
That walking stuff is almost as good for some mildly depressed people as meds. Just some information from one college class and several self-help books I have read.

One man I know, that people go to for minor personal problems, almost always gets people to do a walking plan. The guy has his own biases but claims he has kept many people from AD's. The people that go to him want a quick fix and think pills solve problems.

The guy is like an intelligent uncle who has a bit of insight into people’s lives. He has friends in the counseling field and does referrals ASAP if the need arises.

I was kinda hoping maybe that is what my brother will do (help others)
I met a few guys that drank heavily at one time. One was working for the suicide prevention hot-line. I think he did that type of work because of his previous addiction. He said the hot-line work helped him, but not everyone can help others and not get in a bad place himself or herself.

A person has to learn quite a bit of healthy detachment from his problems and a person with similar issues.

I am also hoping he realizes he now has a second chance at life and to treat it a little more preciously this time around.
Many do, but sddly a small percentage don't.

BB said keep after your brother to tell his Dr. if he feels the drugs are not working or he is on over-load of some type. Drugs work for most people. Some drugs work for a while then nothing. If the nothing happens, he will/might relapse fast. It is so important to keep his Dr's informed as to what he is feeling/thinking.

Lil writes grants and see people to close to the problem, wanting money for a particular cause. She senses the fusion and possibly a potential burnout situation.

I do some volunteer work (fixing things) for a retired funeral home worker. He is in his upper 80's and goes to the same church. One of the church’s main Phil posies is to adopt someone or some cause to make life a little better for that person, family, or group.

I heard there were 2,000 people in the "service to others" group doing at least something for other people. The group really doesn't ask much of each member, but the total work completed works out to be many hours and jobs completed. No one individual gets over loaded or burned out.

I am off to see my funeral worker friend. He needs a light moved and some wiring done.

Lou

How are things going? Hope all is well.

Hi CM - I would like to say "yes, things are going well" but that is not the case right now.

We are still having problems with my brother and because of that, H and I are not taking care of "us". I don't want to sound selfish but I guess things will have to be put on hold as he is coming to live with us for a while

He might get out today but I am not thrilled about that. I need to talk to his doctor first. My brother, unless he misunderstood (and I hope that is the case) said the doctor told him there was nothing more they could do for him, he was high risk and they were going to release him. He also told him "people that come into the hospital that are really depressed and just want to sleep all day, we can help". Oh, so people that won't cause you any problems and just sleep all day are more important that someone that wants to take their life?

I am so ticked off right now, I could .....