That's kind of how I feel right now. I know it's not true. I know there are lots of people who love me....but the one person who should, doesn't "like he should" and "it's not fair" to me that he doesn't. So the plan is kaput. We are done. He said he worries that he's losing his best friend. He doesn't want to hurt me.
And still.....I am.
Sorry I don't have more of an update. I am just trying to keep my head above water and live. Day to day.
D started her first day of second grade. Wow. Last year we were all taking pics together. This year, just her. My little girl is growing up. She didn't even want me to wait with her in the gym. Guess I'm raising an independent girl. And I know that's a good thing.
One day no one will need me.
Oh - and we were supposed to go to a concert together in 2 weeks. I'm guessing that's off. I had texted him over the weekend and called a few times. Wasn't getting any replies back so I knew this was coming. God I knew. Even now I can feel the lump in my throat. I will not cry today. I had to leave work yesterday because I knew it was going to happen.
Anyhow - I know I'm just rambling. I'm sorry for that. I know things will be ok, but I can't help the broken feeling I have. The feeling that I am a fool, stupid - for having hope that this "plan" might work, that we might make it. I was looking at honeymoon trips. What an idiot I am. I even bought him hair gel and moved his bathroom things back to the bathroom. MORON. I am a fool. I am glad he finally told me how he felt. I just wish the plan had never been spoken of. I'm tired of feeling stupid.
Reminds me of an Avril Lavigne song...
Fall back Take a look at me And you'll see I'm for real I feel what only I can feel And if that don't appeal to you Let me know And I'll go 'Cuz I flow Better when my colors show And that's the way it has to be Honestly 'Cuz creativity could never bloom In my room I'd throw it all away before I lie So don't call me with a compromise Hang up the phone I've got a backbone stronger than yours La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
[chorus] If you're trying to turn me into someone else Its easy to see I'm not down with that I'm not nobody's fool If you're trying to turn me into something else I've seen enough and I'm over that I'm not nobody's fool If you wanna bring me down Go ahead and try Go ahead and try
You don't know You think you know me like yourself But I fear That you're only telling me what I wanna hear But do you give a damn Understand That I can't not be what I am I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon Its not a simple hearing but not so soon I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen In a little more dream But its amazing what a couple can mean La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
[chorus]
Go ahead and try Try and look me in the eye But you'll never see inside Until you realize, realize Things are trying to settle down Just try to figure out Exactly what I'm about If its with or without you I don't need you doubting me
[chorus]
La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
Would you be laughing out loud If I played to my own crowd Try
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. I can feel your sadness thru your post, and I hurt for you. I understand. we aren't D yet, but we are apart, and even though I have so much love in my life, I don't have the love of my life anymore. it hurts. it sucks.
we're starting school around here soon, and I'm determined to come up with new traditions. well, they were bound to be new since my kids are really just starting out, but still, maybe something for you to do? also, any chance you can still go to the concert, maybe with a friend? H bought us tix to wicked (this sept) when they went on sale last fall. I took the tix (hey, they are my consolation prize, I dare him to ask where they are). yesterday I asked one of my best girlfriends to go with me...I'm not going to give that up just because things are different now.
there really isn't anything I can say that you don't know...try to focus on yourself, count your blessings, gal, all that stuff. sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to be sad for a bit before we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on again. remember, you are stronger than you know. and you will always need you. and who knows what (or who) is around the corner...try not to get too far ahead of yourself.
take care. I'll be thinking of you today
Last edited by morgan; 08/15/0702:18 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Actually I bought the tickets and I am going, even if I have to go alone.
And how crazy am I? I hope against hope I'll see Myspace chick so I can punch her lights out and go to jail. THAT will be worth the price of admission folks
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
weekends for me were so hard when I didn't have plans to get out. it was awful that my kids weren't here with me. I had a really hard time with that. but honestly, I'm actually enjoying a little me time now. its amazing, but its been 5 years since I had any. sometimes a little can go a long way, but I'm so busy the next few weeks that I doubt I'll even have a chance to dwell too much.
working out is a lifesaver for me. hope it makes you feel as good as it does me. I am still on the great ab-hunt, I swear the twins did me in, but I'm working on it.
good luck!!!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Actually I bought the tickets and I am going, even if I have to go alone.
And how crazy am I? I hope against hope I'll see Myspace chick so I can punch her lights out and go to jail. THAT will be worth the price of admission folks
lol.
its funny, I often wonder what I would do if I ran into ow, especially when I am in boston (where I am more likely to run into her). I have this little fantasy...I'll see her, whisper to my friend, and start laughing, obviously at her. my guess is that would bug her more than anything else I could do. or maybe it wouldn't, who knows. not a fighter, so punching wouldn't really work...not to mention that she's half a foot taller than me. I suppose I could jump on her back and pull out her extensions? oooh, adding that as fantasy, plan b. lol.
glad you are going to the concert. try to find a friend to tag along. you'll have a great time, either way!
Last edited by morgan; 08/15/0702:40 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
It's funny because I'm not angry at him. I understand that even now, he's torn. But I'm still trying to do the things we are supposed to do to separate our lives. The cable is still in his name, the insurance is still grouped together.....
This is just so hard.
And here I sit, with my rings spinning around my finger......wondering if I'll ever feel like taking them off.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
funny about the rings...I haven't worn them in the last week or so. I just stopped putting them on in the morning. but when H came by to see the kids last week, I did put them on while he was here...didn't want him to read too much into that until I am completely ready to go there.
it feels weird not wearing them now, but I'm getting used to it. I think I'm just testing the waters...seeing how it feels.
he doesn't wear his anymore...that devastated me. I completely lost it on him about it many times. then I found db, and let that go. still hurts though.
good for you for not being angry at him. there is a great song that your statement reminded me of. Its one I think of from time to time, I'm just not completely there yet...but know I will be one day:
Mozella, "Light Years Away"
It's almost like you had it planned It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said "Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time" And what was I supposed to do? I was stuck in between you and a hard place We won't talk about the hard place
But I don't blame you anymore That's too much pain to store It left me half dead Inside my head And boy, looking back I see I'm not the girl I used to be When I lost my mind It saved my life
It's how you wanted it to be It's like you played a joke on me And I lost a friend In the end And I think that I cried for days But now that seems light years away And I'm never going back To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore That's too much pain to store It left me half dead Inside my head And boy, looking back I see I'm not the girl I used to be When I lost my mind It saved my life
I think that I cried for days But now that seems light years away And I'm never going back To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore That's too much pain to store It left me half dead Inside my head And boy, looking back I see I'm not the girl I used to be When I lost my mind It saved my life
That life seems like light years away Light years away And that life seems like light years away Light years away
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
What's funny is I have this feeling. I can't describe it. It might be anger. Anger that he didn't actually try the plan he came up with. That he didn't give it a chance.
And yet - if he doesn't love me like he does.......and he's told me........I don't know what kind of feeling this is.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Guess I'm raising an independent girl. And I know that's a good thing.
