Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He's still with her, and I'm moving on (part 3)

Hope,
I understand your feelings. After everything I've been through with my H if I thought there was a chance of working everything out I would also, but sadly like you I know it isn't meant to be. So all we can do is close that chapter and hopefully going on to bigger and better chapters. I too would like to find suggestions for books for getting through a divorce.

I'm off to GAL tonight. We are having a mother/daughter night. We are headed out with other "girls".

You do deserve better!

Yoyo,
You deserve better too. The guys that our H's have turned into, don't deserve the great women that we've turned into. We've gotten better and they just keeping getting worse.

Glad to hear that you are having a girl's night out. Hope you have fun!

H called me tonight. I know I'm not supposed to pick up, but I did, but I think I did good. There was no begging, pleading, or even crying. Okay, so last Monday he sent me a TM that said he can't say he is sorry enough...now this Monday he's calling me asking me how I am? I think that he even less over me than I am over him. He lead most of the conversation because I am detaching and I am not getting sucked back in. For a man who doesn't want to be with me, he sure does care a lot about what I'm doing and how I am. We have some of the most bazaar conversations. I bet he mentioned something about me dating other men 5 times during our conversation. I kept my composure...joked around a little, but I did get one jab in at him and he definately deserves it. It went like this..
H: So you seeing a new guy.
M: No, I can't do that.
H: What do you mean?
M: I said I'm still married to you and I can't do that. I need to get this all wrapped up first.
H: Well, I guess technically you are married to me, but that shouldn't hold you back...a woman has needs.
M: Yeah that's overrated...I can't sleep with someone else while we're still married.

That piece of the conversation ended with silence...think that hit a little too close to home. He was heading home to the house that he lives with OW in and been sleeping with her for 10 months now. I was thinking the truth hurts doesn't it.

He also mentioned in the conversation that he took this all too far. I agreed (he has taken it too far, I am not telling him any different). He followed up with I wish I could just rewind time because I would do things a lot differently, but he said you can't go back only forward. I agreed again. He said this is all so crazy. I agreed again. Glad to see that he and I are finally on the same page. To sum it up, he screwed up our marriage and he just kept screwing up over and over to the point that it isn't salvageable and now he realizes that. I think I'm married to an idiot. Maybe he should have done one thing to help our marriage over the last 10 months, and things could have been different, but as he said...he took it too far.

He's supposed to be coming over this weekend to get some more stuff. I just have to stay strong and realize that he not worth it and that I deserve better.

Hope,

I am glad to hear that you did not get sucked into your H's drama. It shows a lot of composure and growth on your part. I believe that reality hits our S's at different times then it did us. Probably the reason why they start thinking about us being with someone else after we let go. Even my W at one time mentioned that I would find somebody quickly. I had no idea where they comment came from, but she said it. I guess she doesn't realize that I am not looking for just somebody and that our girls are huge concern for me with whomever I date(unlike her).

I bet the little verbal jab felt pretty good. There is not a whole lot he can say about that one. You are lady with integrity and it seems he is a man without any.


ROFL...Hmmmm....can I say that I told you so? But, then again you never disagreed. He just confirmed it further tonight.


Well if you really want to drive him crazy you should pull out your bikini and go tanning on the deck while he is there......Scratch that no use playing stupid games. I say go with what you did last time. Be cordial and hurry him along because you are busy GAL.


You know that you are worth more and deserve to be treated and cherished in ways that he is incapable of at this point.

Take Care,
Scott

Scott,
Exactly, we aren't the ones that jumped into a relationship when we were still married and we are definately not going to be settling for someone of OM or OW's characters in our cases. We are above them...we will find someone that truly cares about us...not just someone to make us feel special in the moment and so we don't have to be alone.
Oh, that sounds like a good plan. Maybe I'll ask him to rub suntan lotion on me. Oh I almost forgot I was so busy picturing the look on H's face, I am above that. I will be kind and nice for now. Once the D is finalized, I will be decent if I run into him somewhere, but we will not be friends.

Hopeless, you are a gal who is super cool! I wish I could be so cool when my H calls. I always fall apart and get honest. I also feel that I cannot "cheat" while we are married. Even our MC said that separation means different things to spouses so we should notget involved with otherpeople as it would be too confusing and heartbreaking. OK he was all ready to sleep around from the moment I suggested he leave.

His MLC means ruinng his reputation for life.

Our MLC means getting healthier, reading more, soul searching, setting up priorities. Chicks rule. No offense to any loyal Hs out there.

Sounds like his affair may be dying a natural death which is so predicatble. Why do they even bother? What will be your plan next? What would you like to happen next?

Thanks MK...

I don't know if the affair is dying a natural death or not. It's been going on for 10 months now, and they have been living together for 7. A lot of H's family has met OW and no one seems to care for her. The strange thing is that H has a very low tolerance for people, and she is one of these people who knows everything and if she hasn't done it one of her family or friends have...someone that just rubs people the wrong way and then to top it off, she's living with a married man...sounds like a winner, doesn't she? Honestly, I don't know how they made it this far. He has been saying that he took it too far since December...but he just keeps taking it farther. He should have stepped back then and got the hell away from OW, maybe he would have started to think straight. It's too late for us. He's not man enough to make things right with me. I can tell he misses me...but he's made his choice and he will live the rest of his life with regret.

I have signed all the D forms, so as far as I know we are just waiting on a court date. We agreed on everything, so this should be a quick, simple D. I am guessing a month, two max and it will all be over. I am going to keep working on being the best person that I can, focusing on my career, and starting to date casually once the D is finalized...at least that's my plan for now.

H called again tonight. At first I thought he just wanted to talk to me, but then he broke the news...we have our court date, Aug. 28th. I don't know if this is karma kicking H in the @ss or just an ironic coicidence, but that is H's 29th birthday. There are 365 days in a year...it seems a little odd that it is on his birthday. He said that isn't a very good day for him. I thought...it should be...you will be free to be with OW. You won't have to worry about being married to me any more. This is exactly what you want...it should be a great birthday present if he was so unhappy in our marriage that he had to have an affair. I thought it would go fast because it is uncontested, but I'm just not ready for it to go this fast. That is only 2 weeks from today, yikes!

I did so good on the phone with him last night, but I couldn't keep it together tonight. I really didn't say much...he knew I was crying. He said this isn't really what I want but this is for the best at this point. I didn't really respond. I'm done trying to talk him into working on the M or ending it with OW. He knows in his heart that he could postpone this divorce if he would really want to give this marriage 150%. I don't need to say it at this point. I think that in his twisted mind, he thinks that he is doing the best thing for me by divorcing me. He asked me again why I was going to go to court. I told him I needed to do it for the closure. I can't just wake up on the 29th and be divorced. He said this is already hard enough on me and you being there is going to be torture. I was thinking...well, for once I am going to do what I need to do for myself. You have lived the last 10 months of your life and not cared a rat's @ss about my feelings. He needs to see me...he needs to see the marriage that he destroyed be thrown away. He ended the conversation with a "take care of yourself". He is still supposed to come get some stuff on Sunday, so that day is going to be interesting to say the least. I know I will not be able to keep it together...but he is not going to get any begging or pleading from me. If he wants to hold up this divorce, he's going to have to put in the effort. I'm done.

Hope,

Sorry to hear about the rough phone call. I know how it feels to have all the emotions that you thought you dealt with flood their way back in. I am actually reliving some of them now thinking about how you must feel.

I am not going to say be strong don't show any emotion, because it is OK to cry, it is OK to hurt, it is OK to grieve your loss. If you need it go ahead and have a good cry tonight. I would offer you a shoulder, but I can only try and help with the words that I type.

I and a lot of people on this board can sympathize with how you are feeling - your not alone. Myself and the rest that have followed your story know that you have a great life ahead of you. You just have one more speed bump in your way.

There is a passage in Ezekiel that I stumbled across one day before I had a D talk with my W. It talks about God rebuilding what has been destroyed. Yes, our M's have been destroyed. But he will rebuild us and give us someone special to share our life's with.

Take Care,
Scott

Scott,
Already had one cry tonight and I have tears running down my face right now reading your post. I appreciate all your support and kind words over the past few months. This has been a hellish 10 months and you have helped me stay strong. Thank you for posting on my thread so regularly. I look forward to your posts every day. You have helped restore some of my faith in men and realize that I am a good person who deserves to find happiness again.
Hope needs a great life after this. This is a huge bump, but I will get over it and on with my new single life. There are no limits...no one holding me back at this point. Thanks again. Eventually, I guess I will have to move over to the "Surviving the Big D" forum, but I have become so comfortable over here, I don't really want to leave.