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No. If she says it, you should too. Remember, what you don't you, you lose. Use it.

What you don't use, you lose. Sorry for the typo.

I agree with sara. If she is recipricating it back to you then continue to say it. To me the rule applies when on one spouse and saying it and the other does not. That is because the other spouse sees it as neediness, clingy and pressuring.

We are actually very loving towards each other in the past 3 months. Even though she continues to say she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I think that if only she can make progress on the resentment then the other things will develope over time.

A co-worker who also does marriage counseling for his church says that he knows somebody who does BT and has a very high success rate. i.e 80-90% success rate, even with couples literally holding divorce papers going in there. I wish the W and I can give that a try. Unfortunately I really don't know if she's willing and I'm afraid that if I mention it it may be as if I'm being pushy and push her in the opposite direction. Ideas on what I should do?

I would think if she initiates the ILY, I would reciprocate. I could only wish that my W would use those words. I don't think I've heard that in three weeks. Very depressing.

DaveJ,

Sure if this guy does BT and it works, why not try it. Continuing the anomie is not getting you anywhere. You could go on like this forever, it is the walk of the living dead. Sometimes you have to shake it up, and know that you are alive. BT, retrouvaille. Do something.

Oooh.... bad mistake. Shouldn't have brought up the info about the BT guy. Or maybe I was a bit too enthusiastic about it.... Talked to her on the phone tonight. She's visiting her parents with the kids in Iowa. Definitely made her upset by bringing it up. Said that she's not ready to do that. Said that she needs the time during separation to figure out if she can even deal with the resentment, hurt, anger, etc. And apparently I'm not giving her the space she needs.

Sheesh! I just wanted to provide the information to her. Don't you want all the tools and resources you can get your hands on if you are fighting something that big? Maybe it's just a guy thing.... All these years I don't ever recall her picking up a book or talking to a professional about our marriage issues when she thought we are in trouble. I really don't understand how she really fought for us besides yelling at me over every little thing. Alright....I've vented....

I was being optimistic since this guy is so successful. But according to my W only she can deal with her issues and nobody else can help her. She thinks that the therapists can only help us with our marital problems but her resentment issue is a completely separate thing that she needs to deal on her own. And until she can deal with that we can't move forward. *sigh* That makes me a little down seeing that she's so resistant to it. I guess my interpretation of what she said about her wanting to do everything she can to save the marriage is different than what she actually means. For me, I thought she means she would do whatever that is necessary to get us through this, and if there's a chance at anything you go for it. For her, I think she is still trying to figure out if she even wants to do it. Sure doesn't sound like she's ready to commit to saving this M. I guess I committed two bad things. Shouldn't have listened to what she was saying about wanting to save the M and shouldn't have talked about R. Grrrr.... I sure hope that's not a step back. Gonna keep my mouth shut and be patient from now on. Boy did she do exactly what I imagined she'd react.... Sometimes you gotta listen to that little voice inside your head that's telling you to not do something.... Talk about a cliff dive from hopefully optimistic to pessimistically down.

OK, DaveJ. It will go away. Don't talk about it. I think you're right though....will do anything to save the M, means a lot less than it sounds like. Too bad. I thought she meant what she said too.

Unfortunately for me she has been conditioned to be not confident in things since she was young. Her father has pretty much drilled in her head that if it's something you don't think you can do you shouldn't even attempt. And if you are going to do it it better be perfect. A simple example: Those kids toys with assembly required. She'll get them and say she'll put them together. She takes one look at the instructions and gives up. I always end up putting them together. She doesn't even try.

I just really hope that she finds the strength to really try with our M no matter how hard it is.... She said she need at least 30 days. I'm hoping that she might be open to BT if things don't progress for her. I'll give her all the space she needs. I definitely do not want her to call it quits in 30 days. Of course what I'm really hoping for is that at the end she wants to commit to work on the M and we can move forward.

Dave, she is not interested in the tools you are offering her yet, because she is not sure if she is going to have a need for them. She is asking you for her space to decide whether or not she wants to work on things with you. Be patient, I know you want to fix it NOW. Give her the space she is asking you for. I see a huge positive for you. She says she not ready for that now. She is not telling you I am done for ever, go away, stop bugging me. She is asking for some time and space. So give it to her. Your pushing and pressuring to fix it, is only going to break it more.