Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trying to set those goals!

I had left my cell phone out of earshot and just checked it.
On it was a text message from one of our mutual friends that was at the bar last night. (I had left before my H or this mutual friend.) This friend, who I will call D, loves to talk and has, in the past, taken me out to breakfast after the bar closes; so I imagine that perhaps he and my H went out afterwards. (This is the same friend that was running interference and making sure that I didn't hook up with the wrong kinda guy.)

The text message said

Hope!

and was sent at 3:51am.

I have sent back a message saying "Hope?" and also "You can't leave me hanging like that! Please explain."

I am sure you can imagine that I am dying of curiosity. He hasn't responded yet, but maybe he is still asleep.

(((HUGS))) I don't really know what to say. I'm floored...amazing that I can be after all H has done to me.

let us know what your friend says!

Well, I guess it was nothing.

He just texted me back and said
"Hope in all forms.Hope u made it home safe.Hope things work out 4 u.Hope ur OK."


damn

Sometimes I think this about myself. I see a romantic ending to a movie and I think I could have that fantasy if I did not have a bad man in my life. Then I try to go back to DB mode and remember my H as a good man. It is a roller coaster and you are going along for the ride with him as a team so far. Well done.

Dom- I am so appreciative of your straightforward candor on these forums. I am appreciative that you sound like a sensible, real man who has been to a MC. I know at the core of my H is a sensible person who got lost and can't seem to dig himself out of this pit. I also know that he just wants an easy screw for fun. Whatever. As a chick I can't compartmentalize my life like that. Maybe I cling to the idea of what a mother is and that is my issue. But hearing it from you makes so much sense.

Agent- I am jealous that of your sitch even though it is confusing. I guess Piecing is still a hard place to be!

sorry not more, agent99. but he's right, there is always hope, if you want there to be. try to concentrate on yourself for a while. park that rollercoaster in the station for a bit and concentrate on something you have real control over. I know that helps me.

I wish there *was* something to be jealous of. He has decided, consciously, to break my heart, free himself up to possibly pursue a relationship with some unknown person who is better than me, to rip apart our family, create a life that does not involve me (and I quote "I am trying to make something for my life that is different than this" as he indicates our house,etc), to make an effort to stifle feelings that he has for me.
I say "consciously" because it isn't like he somehow fell in love with someone else and now is being driven by those feelings, acting out of the "fog". He is leaving me for nothing. In his eyes, "nothing" is preferable to being with me.

Thanks.
Time to go dark and move on.

heh.
I sure know how to go dark, NOT,
He just called to make sure I made it home okay with no issues. (We were at a bar afterall, and he had just dropped the "need to feel completely broken up" bomb, so it was a legit call.)

Then he's all "so, are you doing okay?" me "Yup. fine. you?" Him "i'm good."

And then asked me to look in his truck for something.

On Volunteering:
I dont think it's a coincidence he brought it up in the first place. whether he intended to invite you or not, i think he intended to bring it up to show you he's doing something positive, that he belived you would approve of.

On other stuff:



I think the best thing you can do, is stop expecting consistent behaviour out of him.

I'd say, he is of highly oscilating mind on this. Sometimes, he wants to go off and screw some bimbo. Sometimes, he wants to be with you. Ignore him/go do something else, when he's in "go off and forage" mode. Encourage him, when he acts positively towards you.

People misuse the "act as if" phrase from michelle's books. but i think you have a potential proper use of it.
"Act as if" him dating you (exclusively) is a positive thing, and can happen. Then, it might. But it WONT, if you don't think it can.
Dont do this blindly, though. Stop acting this way, if he actually starts dating someone else.
Not "looks like", not "talks about a lot", but actually DOES it.



This is a cop-out. If this ever comes up again, you might remind him what marriage is all about. Marriage is NOT, "I will stay with you until someone better comes along". Marriage is both a commitment, and an acknowlegement, that NO-ONE is perfect.. both of you have flaws... but that you commit to staying together and making the very best relationship you can, with the two of you together. Even if someone [who LOOKS] better, comes along later.


Oh, and on the whole "the secret" crap... point out that what "the universe brings to him", may be "his wife", so if he is TRUELY using it, he shouldnt close himself off to that




YOU can't. You cant stop it. you cant control him.
In the end, it is still his decision to make. And he is quite capable, and able, of making either a good, or a bad, one. It is his choice.

What you can do, at least until he makes a bad decision, is remain "available"(within boundaries) to him, and attractive to him.

That gives him the opportunity to reevaluate you.
That's also why 180s are really good... Doing stuff 180degrees different from what you would normally do [yet still in a positive, interesting way], sometimes nudges spouses to open their eyes and really LOOK at you, instead of just having a glazed "oh yeah that's my spouse he/she's always like ...., I know all about them and I dont want that" attitude.

Most of the time, seems like the departing spouse has a fascade layer over their spouse, that isnt neccessarily a true representation of them, but justifies them leaving.

Doing things clearly contradictory to their image of you, makes cracks in it.

From what I read, it takes time, and consistency, to actually make the cracks happen, though.

"Jane is a dull girl, she never does anything", can be dispelled by Jane doing Skydiving/Karate/mechnical bull riding... but only after showing that is what Jane is really like, by Jane doing it consistantly, and continually Otherwise, it's just a trick, and the hostile spouse is expecting a trick.
I would think it would take at least a month or two, and continuing to do it, before a spouse would believe it is really what Jane is like, rather than a trick. Now is not the time for tricks. Now is the time to bring out the best parts of you, that may have been buried for a few years.

NO NO THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID!!

she's saying "Get a Life", and quit obsessing about him 100% of the time, and it will both help you feel better, and also deal with him better when you are around him

"going dark" is a completely separate thing.
Technically, you can do one, both, or neither, of these things.