Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trying to set those goals!

I just reread the chapter on goals in DR. A realistic example was to not mention the word "Divorce" in conversation. I/ We did not meet that goal today. The word was mentioned twice today, by my H. But I will keep this goal in mind from now on. That word puts a dart in my skin big time.

Me:"How was lunch with Male Friend?"
H:"Fine. He gave me insight into his parents' divorce."
Me:"Oh?" Then I walked away as if the baby needed a diaper change.

I am sure his friend did not say anything to the effect that divorce is awful for everyone involved. He probably said everything is fine and they both moved on and now they are married to two other people (Friend's Dad married mistress secretary) who make them happy. Blah, blah, blah.

Nice. "insight" sheesh.

My H and I rarely use the word 'divorce'- if we do reference possibilities of the future, it is said like this "if things don't work out" "if we don't end up together" - I guess that still counts as the word divorce...

Thanks for mentioning DR--time to brush up on it.

I did a great job yesterday cleaning my closet and getting rid of stuff that doesn't work for me anymore. I stuffed 3 kitchen garbage sacks full of clothes. That feels pretty good; his side of the closet looks like crap, though. Oh well.

Anyone else out there getting anywhere on their goals?

great job on the closet, agent99. any chance you can move his stuff to a guest room or the like? if its bugging you, I say get it out of there. not sure if that is right or wrong to do, but hey, you deserve not to have to look at all of his stuff if you don't want to.

mk, I'm afraid that whole thing with his friend is a little too close to my heart right now. seriously, I could have written it. that sucks. but you inspired me to buy DR...I had just bought DB, so will see if there is any real difference between the two. I still don't see how anything will help at this point, but I can't let this m go without trying everything first.

I did a good job on my goals, will go ahead and post them, probably not till monday...we were gone all day today, and the plan is to leave by 5 or so tomorrow for a fun-filled adventure, just me and the kids.

Ugh.
H came over yesterday to get stuff and was supposed to come over today to work on the yard. Well, he came over today, but only got some more stuff (he was meeting his dad at his apartment). So, he plans to come back over in a few hours to do the yard work.
I went to dinner with a (guy) friend yesterday who basically pegged my H. With extremely limited info, he was able to have insight that I wouldn't have thought. So, here's the kicker: When I told him that my H had said that he "was trying to find himself", my friend said "no he doesn't. He means that he wants to f other women. He already knows who he is."

Today as H was leaving, he came and gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips-- and started in towards my butt and bra. And I was like "errr...excuse me?" as I wiggled away. He tried a couple more times (as I wiggled and said nope) and then gave up.

I am sure he didn't really think I would be able to 'resist' him. whatever.

yep, thinking your friend is right. and good for you for fighting off h's advances. hard to do, I know. (or at least hard for me to do, but on the rare occasions it happens now, I try to pretend to myself I'm not as sex starved as I am, lol).

so here's the question...what will you be doing while he is there sweating over the yard work? are you going to try to have plans/get out/away from the house?

Yesterday when he made the arrangements to come today to do the yard work, he said "So, are you going to be home?" and I said "not sure."

And then he gave me a look and said "Well, it would be *nice* if you would be here." The look was "You should be here to help work." Which I can understand. I mean, I'm certainly not going to go to his apartment to wash his dishes, so I am sure he isn't totally jazzed about coming to my (albiet temporary) house to work in the yard.

I'm reading the book "why men love bitches" and it's a great read for helping me keep those boundaries. Wow, I wonder what it will be like when I don't feel compelled to read books about all this junk....

I had told myself that one of my goals was to go to a comedy club at least 1/month, preferably twice. Today he was talking about this comedian and how funny the guy was, etc etc. So I say, "where'd you see him?" (hoping he was say on TV) and then he referenced one of the two comedy clubs in the area. Great. So now I can't just freely go out to a club, I'm gonna have to steel myself for the possibility that he may be there with a girl. UGH UGH UGH. And how lame would it be to call him up and say "Are you going to Such and So Comedy club this weekend?"

I haven't worried about running into him at "our" theater because it would be WAY out of his way; but with only 2 comedy clubs to pick from--and knowing that we have a similar sense of humor--that just ruins it for me. Sure must be nice to be the dumpER.

so why can't you go to the comedy club??? get some friends and go! if you are worried about running into him, go ahead and mention that you are going.

as for doing yard work, well, you are there full time, right, so you have plenty of time when he is NOT there to do your portion, right? as for it being NICE if you were there to help, well, it would be NICE if h wasn't a total ass, wouldn't it?

Well listen to this!
Yesterday after we worked in the yard, weeding and whatnot, I made us dinner and he worked on trying to fix my laptop. (When I have computer problems, I *really* have computer problems.)
So, while he was doing the computer stuff, we were kinda flirty. He tried to convince me to 'go upstairs' and I wouldn't do it. Boy, howdy- did he try.
At one point I said "Dude. I told you; I wasn't going to be part of a harem and once you moved out the rules of engagement were changed. I specifically said that you would need to date me and that a date was NOT showing up on Sunday, hanging out, watching TV and then getting some."
H "Well, I'm taking you out tomorrow night." (This is to see off our fave bartender at our bar.)
Me "If you think that's a "date" you're crazy. Meeting at a bar and sitting on stools in close proximity is NOT a date. Puhleeze."

He also tried to get me to cave in with the idea that he would take me on a date later on. Nope.

As he was leaving (a very frustrated man, I might add) he said, "How about I take you out to dinner tomorrow night before we go to the bar?" I said "ok-where?" and so we tossed a few ideas around and (I just remembered) I said I would check the Entertainment book. (oops.) We left it that he would call me today and we would figure out a place and time.

I almost expected him to blow me off (since I wouldn't give in and we did make out, so I am sure he felt "teased" to a degree.) But instead, he did call AND he actually had researched a restaurant for us to try.

That is the good news. In a separate post, I am going to update the "bad" news.

holy crap, good for you! I don't even want to read the bad news, and sad there is an update. just know that you are my hero. I swear right now, all h would have to do is look at me and I'd jump him. not for him, but lets just say I'm sick of cleaning my floors.

Now for the bad news--it affects my H, but is not driven by my H.

H's son (my stepson, now-20years old) was speaking with my mother the other day. (He/We had custody of SS for 10+ years, so I am his Momma, my daughter is his sister, my mom his grandmother-in his eyes.) AnyHOO, he is very angry at his dad for leaving, blah blah blah...The important thing that he said (which may have been exagerated-he loves drama) is that my H's parents never liked me, my daughter, my family and said that we were low class. SS went on and on about how materialistic they are, and snobby, etc etc and that H is being WAY too influenced by them. (This could also account for why H has said that our relationship is between US and that we shouldn't listen to what our parents have to say.)

I haven't asked him *what* they said about me (don't want to know) but I *do* know that it makes me feel uncomfortable at the prospect of ever being around them again.

What really ticked me off is when SS said to H's mom "My sister wants me to stay with her the first weekend I am there" and H's mom says "Who are you talking about?" when SS says my daughter she says "<scoff> Why would *you* consider *her* your sister?!"
(Keep in mind my H adopted my daughter and we lived together as a family for about a decade.) What a beeotch!!!!

Of course, now that MY mom has heard this from SS, she is pissed. If H and I reconcile, I can *hardly* wait for family gatherings..NOT!

My mother keeps asking how I "feel" about what was said, what I "think", etc. I'm not taking the bait. I basically said that I couldn't give less of a sht what those people thought, and that if H and I get back together, I guess I'll need to sit down and have a little chit chat. My in-laws are less than helpful. BOO!