Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Plank/WAW, thread 2

Heimlich,

Sorry to hear about the convo, I know how you fell and I deserve the hit with the stick as well because I have said the same things. I'm sure it is what pushed my W away, so stop it, don't talk about it anymore.

Remember, believe nothing she says and only 50% what she does. When you guys are good it is winks around the lake, hugs, ect. When you talk it goes south. So let it be. This is coming from Chatty Me, so that show how much it sucks.

The physical attraction thing is funny, I have noticed lately that I'm looking at my W and noticing physical flaws and not seeing her in the same light at all. I think it is normal, it is part of the pull back and detachment.

Keep the PMA going and go do something for yourself.

Delia, that was an especially powerful post, and much of it has application to my sitch (and I suspect others). I especially found lots of nuggest in the sentences above. Thanks for putting that together and sharing it.

Good morning Heimlich - hope you are doing well.

Nomo

Doing well, Nomo. Now, if I could just break through some writer's block at work, I'd be great.



I kind of glossed over this last night, Delia, but rereading it again this morning, I think you may have hit on something here. While I do believe that my W still has a certain amount of fondness for me and doens't want to hurt me, I think she has felt (wrongly in my opinion) that I didn't really value her for her. She really does feel like she can do anything right now and doesn't need anyone. I hadn't thought of it in terms of power before because I don't believe in "tit for tat" in a R. Going to have to do some thinking on this.

BD

Hey H:

Just catching up on your thread. Seems like you have spent some good quality time with W lately. I think that one of the most important things we can do to help along our DB efforts is to make the time that our WA's spend with us as comfortable and safe feeling for them as possible. By ensuring that they feel comfortable spending time together, it makes them realize that they don't have to "want" to not spend time with us. Just seems like you are heading in that direction and I believe it is a good thing. Don't worry about the R talk the other day (believe nothing of what they say). Just dust yourself off and keep DBing. We all have little setbacks now and again.



That is a prety good analogy and I know exactly how you feel.

Thanks, Stew. Just going to have to wear a groove in my tongue from biting it. I have to keep the don't believe half of what they say in mind. On the other hand, what if she was never really happy? She's said it both ways. We seemed really happy and I thought we were really good together, as did everyone that knew us. I thought she felt that way too. I guess it's just that I heard the "I don't think we were ever a great couple" for the first time yesterday and that's kindof gotten me shook up. Of course, that was followed in the same conversation by I've been unhappy for 2 or 3 years (a few months ago that was 4 or 5). I also got the "Knowing what I know now, I think I was pretending or playing a role and wasn't as happy as I thought or appeared." That's not exact, but something close to it. I'm no psychologist, but wha??!?!!

I guess this is what everyone means by alien spew. I'd just never heard it.

Sad, hopeful, and confused. Soldiering on.

BD

H:



Exactly. This is the hardest thing for me, because I am not really one to let things slide if they are f'ed up. But I truly believe that if I didn't do this, she would already be gone. My being able to let things go, and then vent in some other fashion (like posting here or calling a friend, or going to play ball) has helped tremendously.



If this is the case, there is nothing that you can do to change it. I have a really hard time believing that this is the case. And she cannot rely on someone else to make her happy. I think it is just "alien spew" as you mentioned below, and also her way of justifying to herself and maybe others, that what she is doing is right. If she was never happy, none of this could be your fault. I wouldn't believe it for a second.



Going back to the alien spew again. I wouldn't believe anything she says at this point. She is seeking a justification. The time period for her unhappiness is irrelevant, it changes almost daily. If you remember in the DR book, Michelle talks about perceptions clouding reality. An unhappy spouse tends to only remember the bad times. Don't read too much into her unhappiness time periods. They change even in the same conversation. Just continue doing what you are doing, and making the time you spend with W pleasant and fun for her.



Exactly. I don't know what that is even supposed to mean. And I doubt she had any idea either.

Stew,

Thanks. Needed the sanity check.

BD

Oh, man. W just forwarded the mediation documents to me for this Thursday. Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy.

Kind of numb. Sitting her kindof just trying not to cry.

Because my W doesn't trust me to change (little irony there), I'm in the process of losing the woman I thought I'd spend my life with, my kid's chance at a normal family, the financial security that we've both worked so hard for, and my best friend.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to have a PMA with her when she gets home.

BD

BD

BD,

I think you should n't have to pretend to have a PMA, you are human and this is a hard thing to deal with.

Is there something you can do when your w gets home, go for a run, gym, go to a movie so you can remove yourself from the situation and give yourself a bit of breahing space to react to the email.

regards
Charlie

Heimlich

Feel for you buddy!
Cry - It is OK... DO NOT let her see you cry - get it all out before you go home.

Keep the changing going for yourself - you cannot tell her that you have changed only have to prove it a day at a time.

You can do it. Take a walk before she gets home - clear your head and renew your resolve!

God speed bro.

W33