Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Truly Piecing once and for all!

That seems good to me - that your H won't just move in with OW? What is in this for her? I cannot understand her hanging on this long with no committment from him...

Hang in there - he still with you at some level!

HB

Thanks HB.. I do think he is still with me at some level. I just want the whole thing, not just parts of him. Crazy thing is that he has been talking about future stuff big time lately. Seems a bit surreal to since he's still lying to me...

In the meantime, I have morphed into lovely olive

Hello Everyone!

Time for an update: We made it to our 17th wedding anniversary! Yeah! It was this past Saturday. We went to dinner and a local pub - but really came home to talk and cuddle. I got him a boater's watch - to reflect the time I gave him a watch on our wedding day. If you would have told me a year ago that we would be doing as well as we are I would not have believed you...

He still cannot tell me ILY - so I tend to hold back on mine for fear of pressuring him. It's hard to say too when you know he cannot say it back. We seem fine overall but he says he has alot of work on himself to do yet. I am confused by this - I ask if it's over OW and he says no. Not sure what his demons really are at this point.

One statement he made this weekend is he is going to let life steer him for awhile and stop trying to control and steer life - he just wants to enjoy his wife and kids and his family. I have tons of fears still about OW (I see her almost daily at the school - remember she was a VERY good friend of mine) but it has been over two mos with zero contact from her - at least this is what he says...

I trust him almost too much at this stage in our lives - but he's my best friend and my heart wants nothing more than to be with him and be a family.

I had some serious bouts of sadness driving in to work (after seeing OW this AM)

I started thinking about H and OW being together at that apt this past spring and it brought on an instant depression. Made myself think of a stop sign and that seemed to help.

Question out to you veterans: Is H going through a normal emotional path right now? I mean I am not expecting him to say ILY and I honestly do not even question him on it - I just figure it will take time from what I have read. It's just hard at times when we disagree on something -I get these fears he will start to hate the day to day life once again and try to leave - though he says this is not even on his mind. I really need to work on my fears and I am careful not to express them to him (at least most of the time) but will I ever be fully relaxed????

So yes piecing is going okay but it is still hard work - do not get me wrong - I am grateful to be here considering the alternative!

I pray for many more WAS to snap out of it before it's to late for their families...

Have a great week and thanks for your feedback!!

HB

Did you say, he is not over with OW? I read that there is no contact for 2 months, but he is not over OW? If it is emotionally, that makes sense. I talked to another person who had an A before. It took him 2 years to get over the feelings. No/minimal contact. (Mutual agreement on both sides as she wanted to have a baby but not willing to D her own husband. So he said forget it, it's over). I think H not over OW emotionally is reasonable. The key is, is he taking the action not let this emotion take over and continue to be with you?

HB, you have been a role model for me (and many others, I am sure). I always wonder how you can hold up so greatly. May be your own emotions are creeping up on you. I may not be in the position to advise as I am not even there yet, but at points, I know the depression can be very powerful, enough to undo many good emotions that have been built. Just be careful. And may be let H know beforehand that you are feeling those emotions so he knows you may be upset with him at times.

Take care, it's so nice to hear from you.

OC,

He says he's over her and that he will not contact her - but he seems to have some sort of internal demons he is still processing or getting - what they are I am unsure and he says he doesn't (or can't yet) want to explain b/c it may make me feel worse. I imagine the worst usually - considering what I have gone through - hell what most of us here have gone through...

I wonder what the timeline is for the WAS who come back - how long to get through all their emotional baggage that comes with having this external relationship????!!!!

He did get me a nice card with Love mentioned in the text but he personally did not write 'Love, H'...I was kinda hoping but knew in my heart he is not there yet!

Only time will tell...I am just happy we are working on us as a team for once!!

OC - I have been following you too - you seem to be just going day by day. You are hanging tough!! Keep at it! At some point things will sway your way!

HB

I don't know the timeline of your sitch, but my H didnt' say ILY for about 6-7mths after A was over last yr. I said it anyways, and didnt' expect him to say it back, I'd say it then kissed him or talk about something elso so as to not leave ackward silences nor have expectation hanging on his neck about that.


I have never seen op, but I did get those bouts of sadness just thinking about things related w/op, I can imagen that it is pretty hard on you to see her everyday, eek!
Try not to let your eyes linger on her, sort of like looking at roadkill, can't help but glance at it but let your eyes gloss and look elsewhere.

Is H going through a normal emotional path right now?
===================================
Yes, though As are wrong and as much as we want to minimize our H's feelings towards ows, they did have feelings for them, and it will talk a while for those misplaced feelings to go away. Men have shorter attention spans, so chances are, he'll put her behind him earlier than you will, women tend to hold on to stuff much much longer. So, give him time, it is totally normal.

=========
I really need to work on my fears and I am careful not to express them to him (at least most of the time) but will I ever be fully relaxed????
=============
I also have those fears assault me, the trick is to tackle those feelings and destroy them. What if... what if a car runs me over on my way out, what if I loose my job.. I mean, there are all sort of thigns that can happen but one can't sit there and dwell on them. You can train your mind not to take you to the doom and gloom path, not time, not your H, but YOU are the one in charge of eliminating a fear that can paralize progress in your M.

Piecing is prob as hard as being separated, much to fear, much to conquer, much to deal with, it's true, but the end result is so much stronger and better

Heartbroken, I finally got time to read all of your posts. Wow, some pain, some hard hard pain. Your kids were older, which makes it soooo much more difficult for you. My kids just lost 2 playmates (OW's kids) and know nothing more, still innocently hug at school. My H and I and OW and her H never stop them from talking or hugging, even around us.

I know the pain of seeing OW. H's OW wouldn't ever stare me down though. The only thing she does is avoid me, or starts crying.I could have sworn I saw her crying at Open House, and I was right (her H confirmed it). I don't know what I would do if she stared me down!? I see her at least once a week, and never tell H about it. Not his business, really. They aren't in contact anymore (as far as I know), but when they were, she would tell him she saw me. I get bouts of sadness whenever just thinking about D5's school, its like its ruined for me. I only pray that will change.

Your threads give me sooo much hope. Thank you for coming to my thread and posting, it meant a lot to me. Then I could come here and read (plus another poster also told me to come see your thread too) and learn. Thanks!!! I hope for only the best for you!

lwb,

I did read your note - I am out here daily (sort of my own personal addiction) but not as long as when I was at the worst stages of DB'ing... Hang in there you are doing great!

Journalin'

We had a very busy family weekend - football for S10 ALL day Sat. (away game and they won - yeah!). We then went over to friends for a bon fire and left at a respectable hour since we were going boating at 11:00 on Sunday. This has been a learning point for me - H always felt my social circle was more important than my R with him. So now when he's ready to go we leave - he knows that he will 'get' to do my time schedule once in awhile too - just not every weekend like before... Problem is we have a lot of diff groups of friends and we could be busy every weekend with a diff group - but I need to place our R first above everything else. So we are trying to balance the social life, Married life and family life...

Life is wonderfully crazy and busy and I am so grateful to all be together!! My house may not be in the best shape (due to lack of time) but my priorities sure have changed!!

My fears are still there - it's been 12 weeks since he came home and still no ILY but I feel us connecting. Conversations are not so stiff..

My parents come out from WI to visit this weekend - I have not seen them since Feb. (a long time for me) and I am not sure how prepared H is emotionally to see them. He says he is fine - but I am sure there will be some discomfort at first...

Have a great Wed. everyone!!

HB

HB, sounds like things are going good, in the sense that unpleasant feelings are under control. It's funny now how your priorities have changed. Mine too.
Are you asking for details at this point? Or are you waiting till the R gets better. What is OW doing at this point? Just curious. I wonder your H has cut off contact, but he still sees her in public places, correct? How is the interaction (or lack there of)?

OC,

I see OW 2-3 times a week at school (just from our vehicles) - he says he hasn't seen her at all so far. Her kids walk home after school to their Dad's so odds are he should not see her. I actually have him pick up my son across the street just to help him avoid ALL contact. (Cannot be to careful at this point). I have not asked him about any 'sightings' lately - so who knows if he has. She did move over to the otherside of town and unless she is getting her boys she really has no reason to be over by our side...thank GOD!!

My parents are in from WI this weekend - first time since last Xmas - we'll see how H handles them. He saw them memorial weekend for an hour or so - but I am sure their is some shame creeping in on him today...they are just glad we are still together and will support us no matter what. I hope they hold no grudges - my mom said she feels that our reconcilation is better than him leaving for good - she knows how hard it would be on our kids...

From what I have read here on the piecing board is that we LBS tend to bring up OP more than than our spouses which just gets them thinking about the OP - so I have really been avoiding dragging her into every conversation. I really don't need the details but what I do want is the way it ended...the how? and the why? He said a few weeks ago that he still could not talk about it....may need to get him drunk...loose lips.... LOL

Have a great weekend! HB