You are right. I have issues and need to deal with them or I will never be in a place that is healthy for me, our M if it survives, my kids or any future R.
Time to get to work. Thought I was getting there, but yesterday was a wake up call to me as I ranted about everything under the sun. My mistake has been, "oh, if I just get this out here or in counseling, I am dealing with it" when really all I am doing is bitching and complaining about old issues that still bother me. Unresolved issues will kill my R with everyone.
Hi CVA- I'm in the same place as you, starting to realize that just "getting it out" is not the solution. I need to work on how to deal with my issues in a way that actually lets me put things behind me so I can move on with my life. We can do it!
Glad that you posted that here and not with the W.
Remember your ultimate goal here - to save your M. Be the man that she wants. You know what to do. I have seen your posts with excellent advice. Reread some of those and listen to yourself...
Every one feels frustrated time and time again. How may times have I left the kids and the house in tears - This happens but you have got to keep the PMA up.
What about the new bike? Did you have a chance to go for a ride?
W33
Me 34 W 33 D9 S7 D3 M11+ Filed 7/26/07 Sep 7/30/07
Was in such a funk yesterday, could not bring myself to go spend $2g's. Will do it this week.
Generally once I set my mind to things, I generally do a good job. Just need to apply this to relationships.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I am sure that you do a great job at whatever you set your mind to. Apply that to the necessary change in you. Someone once wrote...
"I bore you with all that because the point is, YOU, do you hear me, YOU need to make long-term changes for YOU which she WILL notice.
I have said this to others, if YOU change, the whole relationship has no choice but to change. Your W has to be able to come out of this fog she is in, but she WILL notice you changing trust me. She wont admit it right away, but she is watching no matter what her actions say."
Good advice!
So apply that mind of yours to changing you - according to a guy called CVA the relationship will follow.
W33
Me 34 W 33 D9 S7 D3 M11+ Filed 7/26/07 Sep 7/30/07
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
CVA, First of all I would like share a little something with you about my sitch, if that is OK,
A few days ago me and my W, really talked, and she said to me it's been 6 months and nothing has changed, you are still without a job, and living with your mom, and I had to tell her yes, while that is true, there are things that have, Am I yelling at you? Am I trying to get you back, am I letting everything that has happened bother me, like it did when this first started? And to that she had to say no, then I told her then there is your answer, Things have changed, I've changed, I'm not the same person I was, I will never be that person again, I told her this, whether you realize it or not, has been a wake up call for us both, Even though I didn't want to wake up, I had to. Even though you thought that you could make me wake up, by telling me it was over, you didn't, It didn't start happening till I decided to do it. That is the gospel of my sitch, the underlying truth. Nothing happens till, someone wants it, and makes up their mind to make it happen, whatever their way of doing it is, it is still a change. I know that you know this, just wanted to remind you, You do give great advice, as I try to do the same, I realize that mine isn't as good, as yours or some others on here, but if we aren't practicing what we preach, then what?
Believe me, every feeling of anger, hurt and pain that you have ever felt, is justifiable, what you do with those feelings makes you the person that you are, Just like my W chooses to run, fight, and complain, I choose to face them, learn from them and let them go, I do get down, quite often, they keep coming back, but now I know how to deal with them, and I learn new ways every day. This is after all, a journey, a sorry and bad one, yes, but one to learn from, none the less. Take the test, learn from it and you'll pass, You will be all the wiser in the end. Peace to you, Take care.
Boy, people like you guys/girls say I give good advice, I need to go read some of it. It is amazing how calm I can be with others when they are flying off the handle; to be honest, its actually amusing to me to watch other people freak out because of how volatile I have been over the years, its sobering! Just a little peek into the very sensitive, sometimes mixed up and twisted mind of CVA!
I saw that movie 23 w/Jim Carey the other day, if you have seen it, you'll understand that I worry about waking up one day and someone saying to me, CVA, dont you know you did xyz? Huh? I did? My W actually told her BFF I had done something 11 years ago that I do not remember. First, should show me that she is still holding quite a bit of built of resentment that she has never forgiven me for, two that I either am blocking or she is fabricating something that didnt happen or at the minimum embelishing quite a bit. Either way, those are the kinds of things I want to get out in the open so they never come back to destroy us again, if I get the chance.
Thanks for all of your support. I fell off the wagon yesterday, but again, maybe I wasnt even on the wagon, just watching it.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
"I bore you with all that because the point is, YOU, do you hear me, YOU need to make long-term changes for YOU which she WILL notice.
I have said this to others, if YOU change, the whole relationship has no choice but to change. Your W has to be able to come out of this fog she is in, but she WILL notice you changing trust me. She wont admit it right away, but she is watching no matter what her actions say."
Did CVA write that? Good Job W33! And god job CVA!
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
CVA, I know the feeling all to well, my W, resents so much that has happened in the past, that is our major problem, she is constantly judging me by it. She doesn't believe in change, but I am showing her that she is wrong, I have and am changing, more and more, everyday, it is because I want to, not because she wants me to.
She, just like yours, needs to truly let go of your/my past, it is just that, our past, it isn't going to solve anything for them, here in the now, and it sure ain't going to make their future brighter, We are the only ones who should remember our own past, we should use it, learn from it, and do what we have to, to make sure it never repeats itself, That is all the past is good for.
If our Wives are holding grudges against us for it, then they are stuck in the past with it, things will never change for them, unless they open up their eyes, and see us change. Seeing is believing, you know, and unfortunately, for some people, you have to hit them repeatedly over the head with a sledgehammer to get them to see. Well, our changes are the sledge, hit them hard enough, long enough and they will open their eyes.
Got to say, I haven't seen that movie, yet, I'm not a big Jim Carey fan, (I do really like "Me, Myself and Irene" and "The Cable Guy") From the previews of it, I think its a more serious movie, I might have to check it out, would like to see how he plays a serious part. Keep up the good work, and take care.
