Thanks for that, I initiate and it also fulfills my physical need, but think it would be extremely hard for me to stop. W sees OM only every 3 months, so I would find it hard to leave it for that long.
Might be me being weak, but I need something at the moment.
Don't thank me. Re-reading my post I think I was a bit cruel....
On reflection, it seems that the DB thing to do would be to continue to act "as if" everything was fine. Appreciate whatever connection you can get, and don't push for hugs & kisses.
Focus your energy on having nice family times with your children, including your wife whenever possible. Remind her with actions and activities (but not words) of what she is walking away from.
No apologies needed. Counselling last night and whilst there was no major progress, a little step was made (or I could be reading the signs wrong). Planning to go out just the 2 of us this week and will discuss the Sex issue.
I will play it positively, I enjoy it, she enjoys it - lets enjoy it together. If she says no, act as though its no great big deal and keep with the 180.
Looking forward to holidays with children (seperate partly by necessity) and some time together, so will see how that progresses.
How do you know that 180s are working? Maybe I am sweating the big stuff too much and missing the little stuff.
At the moment, offers of help are met with resistance, then a little later gratefully received.
Gave W a hug this morning, more for me than for her, not sure if it was returned. Then had to phone her on a matter and she seemed happy on the phone.
Coming up to the holiday season and we are sharing the looking after the children (by necessity), but will only be 1 hour away from home). Hopefully this will give her some space to think things through fully and allow her to see me in a different light.
I also read the articles on this site and am sorely tempted to show them to her, expecially the one about forgiveness (I think she is struggling with this).
I am trying as hard as possible to be her best friend and not crowding her - hope its working.
Re: forgiveness. If you think she is pushing ahead because her affair is unforgivable, it will be far more useful to demonstrate forgiveness, rather than show her an article. And I think you are already doing that. The article would be "crowding her" as you put it.
This fits with why she resists the offer of help at first--she may feel she doesn't deserve it. I think it is a big positive sign that she accepts the help at all. As for the hugs, she may again feel like she doesn't deserve one, so she resists even if she enjoys it. For now, just be glad she doesn't recoil at your touch, as my X did.
Your 180s are working--you will see it in small improvements in your interactions with her. Accepting a hug, accepting help. Just keep doing it.
Big thanks for that, feeling a bit low at the moment. Not through anything we've done (good weekend, concert together last night and shopping today - without the children), but through some of the off-hand comments she is making.
I think some of them are trying to get me to react 'Think I will start smoking' (she works as a Pharmacist), was one and 'When you go on holiday in October (indicating that she will not be there)'.
I take heart from what you are saying, she stated today 'I don't like asking you to do things because of the situation I have put you in', I did the classic DB and did not react or discuss this, indeed as it was in a shop, I could easily change the subject.
In respect of the holiday, I was bright and cheery in my response (looking later, I noticed she was eyes closed, looking sad (which also breaks my heart)).
I really hope my 180s are working and we are still intimate adn share the same bed. She just tried to get me into an arguament and I did slip slightly, but then apolised and left the room.
I think people looking in will see more positives than me and I need the support to help me pull this through. The openair concert was an 80's event so we both knew the songs. Initially she wanted to meet up with friends, which I was cool with, but couldn't find them - lots of laughs, tactile touches (from me) and just enjoying the evening. Some of the songs seemed to strike a chord and I noticed her playing with her wedding ring at one point.
At the end of the evening, she txtd the local radio show and included both of us, so tick that one as a plus. She was drunk, so straight to sleep, then intimacy this morning before the shopping.
So sometimes I see moves and othertimes I crash back down. Going to read DB more this week and take strength from that.
You are doing better than you think. As long as you can continue to be close to her, have good times together, even just get through the daily grind together without a big argument, you are winning.
She thought announcing the affair would put an end to your marriage. You have shown her that you are a bigger man than that. You think of your children's welfare, and that gives you the strength you need to stand up for your marriage.
Strength and integrity like that well outshine whatever she can see in the OM, a man who apparently thinks nothing of seducing a married woman. You don't even need to point out to her that any man that would cheat WITH her will eventually cheat ON her. She will figure that out eventually.
Yes, she will continue to resist. Yes, she will test you with comments about your future apart. Reply with love and confidence.
Bottom line is, every day you can continue living as one family, is one more crack in the facade of this perfect love she thought she found.
MikeinMidland2: I know you were addressing Paul, but since Paul & my situations are similar (actually my WAW is ready to file... and there is NO sex here), I feel compelled to thank you for your encouraging comments. I needed to hear those words.
Paul (and EVERYBODY else), keep up the good work. We are people of principle. We know what is right, and we know what is best for our families. Our deranged spouses need time to see the light. We must continue to present them a person who they would not want to leave, and would not want to hurt. Do not let the occasional "backslide" slow you down (I have had more than my share.. staying on track from now on!). Keep up PMA... work on the 180's and go out and GET A LIFE. It's what our WAS wants to see. They just don't know it...
Thank you, your comments are just what I was needing right now. I suppose when you are this close to it, it does not always feel like that, but I suppose independent eyes do help.
W still treating me as best friend and we are going out for a meal on Thursday, so I will keep the PMA going.
I know I have a long fight ahead and sometimes I am going to question why I should be even fighting, but then I realise the love I feel for my W and know that all the heartache will be worth it if she remains.
Really down today. Crap day at work and comments like 'You are not doing yourself any favours' by a colleague does not help your esteem at all and this one knows about my situation.
Don't really have anyone to talk to about my situation at the moment (apart from here), so trying to keep myself going. Find it hard around the children and was in tears today.
Tonight, when the W comes home from work, I will need to put on a completely different persona; do they even care what they do to us.
My greatest fear is I will expend all my energy on trying to make this right and she will still walk. At the moment, I take the children to school, pick them up, feed them and run them to evening clubs. Sometimes, I want some time for myself, but when is that! Last night, she came home after visiting a friend, ate dinner, went out to another friends and come home half-drunk. This monring she had the audacity to state that I kept her awake at night and she was pressured!!!!!
Writing about it, while hard, does help and reading the books also does. As far a she is concerned at the moment, the books are crap, I am crap and the OP is a shining knight. What will she do if I suddenly state that I am walking - who will look after the children - the OP (I think not!).
Any case, chips are probably burning, so I will probably vent more later.
