Well I cannot report a Miracle but I can say he is trying. He has been dry for over a week now. He left on Sunday ( HIS WAY OF DEALING WITH HIS ANGER) to blow off some steam... and in the middle of my post he returned. I notmally would have caled him to say "hey lets talk, blah , blah , blah" or WORRIED myself sick and just plain let him control my day even when he is not here.
INSTEAD: I watched a Movie with the kids took a bath gave myself a pedicure and pampered me!
When he walked in the room I acted "as if" and kept watching TV. ( I noramlly am not a tv person) I was actually online posting but my D9 came up and said " Hey MOM Dad is home so I closed my Laptop and put the TV on....
I was almost laughing when he said I just had to hurry back back to see my sweetheart... He was pleasant the rest of the evening...
I later mentioned he had no reason to blow up and just leave. What did he fix by leaving? ( he was angry cause must have been over a week ago when he had company. Someone stole over half my CD/DVD collection. When he asked me why I had not said anything I replied " cause then you act like this" .....( ANGRY/RUDE)
" WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" this comment "hurt him"
So when he came back ..... I said "so did you get the cds back?"
No reply....
I cannot say a Miracle is in progress and I will not hold my breath,,, but I do believe he is trying. And as for me? I am not reacting.... and it does feel strange to me but it is also liberating. It feels like when I was separated.... it is uncmforatble to work thru the :"NEW" BEHAVIOR but when I do the results are Fabulous.
I have even said to him since my last post when he was rude to me ......that I was going to kill him one day and give him a heart attack....
"I AM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.... IT IS THAT GARBAGE IN YOUR SYSTEM THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BLAME ME ANYMORE FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF. IF AND WHEN YOU DIE IT WILL NOT BE B/C OF ME BUT B/C OF ALL THAT SH*T YOU PUT IN YOU." " THAT IS WHAT IS GIVING YOU SO MUCH F***ING ANXIETY AND PROBLEMS NOT ME." " YOU JUST PRETEND NOT TO SEE IT!!!!"
from MY H .....
ABSOLUTE SILENCE ( PROBABLY SPEECHLESS AND SHOCKED......)
AND FOR ME TO SAY THAT was for me a brave moment.
He wont admit it to me.... ( THAT I AM RIGHT) but I heard him say to his sister on the phone that his drinking had become a problem.......
WILL POST MORE LATER.... I AM DOING WELL.... AND I CAN SEE THAT HE IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO DIFFERENT. IN THE MEANTIME I WILL KEEP STAYING NON REACTIVE AND KEEP WORKING ON ME. PRAYING FOR HIM TO OPEN HIS EYES TO WHO HE HAS BECOME..... I HAVE ALSO STOPPED COMPLETELY WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AND IF HE WALKS HE WALKS.... HE NEEDS TO HEAL AND GET BETTER AND ONE DAY HE CAN LOOK BACK AND SAY MY GOD SHE SAVED MY LIFE....... ( OR IF HE DOESNT GET BETTER HE WILL LOOK BACK AND WONDER HOW HE LOST HIS FAMILY ) ~GOD BLESS....
"I AM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.... IT IS THAT GARBAGE IN YOUR SYSTEM THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BLAME ME ANYMORE FOR SOMETHING YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF. IF AND WHEN YOU DIE IT WILL NOT BE B/C OF ME BUT B/C OF ALL THAT SH*T YOU PUT IN YOU." " THAT IS WHAT IS GIVING YOU SO MUCH F***ING ANXIETY AND PROBLEMS NOT ME." " YOU JUST PRETEND NOT TO SEE IT!!!!"
Well said, well done. When he interacts with you he needs to interact with reality and that's just what you are right now. Courageous, strong, and REAL!
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( he was angry cause must have been over a week ago when he had company. Someone stole over half my CD/DVD collection.
Oh he hangs out with a real classy group of people does'nt he? That's something you could possible remind him about at some future reality lesson.
I think it's a real positive thing that he's been sober for a week now. At least it shows that he may be recognizing that he has a real problem. This might be a good time to produce some brochures on rehab clinics or AA meetings.
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ONE DAY HE CAN LOOK BACK AND SAY MY GOD SHE SAVED MY LIFE
Well I would'nt hold my breath if I were you Ali. However, you're doing real well with the tough love, and that's what they need most, not co-dependency.
Keep up the good work!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Thanks so much. Is that what you call it tough love? Then yes I am giving him lots of tough love. I did mention Rehab days before this comment and he says he does not need it he can stop on his own.... I hope so. But yeah sweetie I am not holding my breath. And also I am not going to hold his hand thru it. I will not enable " baby" him thru this anymore..... he needs to change like I need air to breathe.
When I said that to him @ the sh*t he puts in his body. I also said.... you fail to realize that when you cant get a drink the next day or you are hungover you suddenly HATE ME when the day before you loved me so, so much. But unlike you I do not fail to see this. So you can lie to yourself and keep this up or you can change. I also said....
You are such a COWARD the way you speak... what happened to you?
he asked what did you just say?
And I repeated it..... COWARD......
he again was speechless..... I am not holding my breath and yet I hope this new "tough love" will help get the ball rolling..... I have decided in my heart that he needs to change or this will end. I have cut the rope and I am not expecting him to change "JUST FOR ME" .
He needs to change because he wants to and because he ackowledges there is a problem.
IF NOT then it wont be genuine.... he needs to do it for him and then for his Family for this to stick.. he needs to love himself enough to take the first step. I can see he wants to keep taking baby steps , but I just pray he will be diligent enough, disciplined enough.... to keep taking them and stay "clean".
I have stopped trying to fix him and I do believe he feels it. I also realize I have been doing this with others in my life... trying to always make evrything right and mostly at my expense.... I have a lot more free time and peace of mind when I focus on LIVING! I have lost a whole 4.5 lbs and it is something I am doing for me.. my H has no idea I joined Weight Watchers. I am proud of me!
also yeah his "friends" are real classy..... but that subject I am so done with. We have established that they have no reason to enter my home now. He may not like this..... or that.... or the.... "NEW ME" and actually I have a hard time being this HARD all the time, but I must. I also have noticed that when I am " tough" with him he seems to be gentler more loving with me... does this make sense? He stayed home all weekend except for when he left for a few hours in the afternoon.... so his babysteps are good. I also told him I was proud of him for not drinking all weekened and he smiled real big and gave me a hug. Instead of beer he had Frosted Flakes and Bananas...
It seems to me like he feels he doesnt deserve to be JUST HAPPY and CONTENT.... he has been doing this for years when we get close to being just content he has to F**k it up somehow. Last nite he received a phone call from and old boss in South Dakota.... that can he go there... he thought @ it for 5 minutes and he called him back and said " NO".
I was shocked.... I didnt show it but I was nervous he would go and then just forget @ stopping drinking .... and I thought he would be so eager to just get up and leave. Like he used to.... even the way I used to be it would have just been easier to let him go work far away,, so I dont have to "work" SO HARD.
He surprised me... inside I jumped for joy but I did not show him I was elated he decided to stay.
IS THAT WRONG?
SORRY , I AM BABBLING A LOT.... I feel hopeful,, I just need to stay on track with TOUGH LOVE.
~Thanks COG!!! And thank you to everyone for all your help and your advice... Love and God bless.... ~Ali
no, that's not wrong, it's showing him how independent you've become. ==================== I have stopped trying to fix him and I do believe he feels it. ================ keep at it girl, you are in my prayers babes))))))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
[/quote] He surprised me... inside I jumped for joy but I did not show him I was elated he decided to stay.
IS THAT WRONG?
NO it is not wrong. You have every right to feel that way.
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He may not like this..... or that.... or the.... "NEW ME" and actually I have a hard time being this HARD all the time, but I must. I also have noticed that when I am " tough" with him he seems to be gentler more loving with me... does this make sense?[quote]
Yes this does make sense.
Even though he doesn't like it deep down he knows he needs it. To him it is an act of love from you when you are tough.
This is just my OP though and you can take it for what it is worth.
Have you read the book Tough Love, Sounds like it.
You go girl!!!
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Wow~ you all are so sweet as usual! I am doing very well thank you, I have not had the internet for awhile now... cant remember how long it has been. But I can say that these weeks have flown by and for a bit it seemed rough and then poof as if by magic he has done so many 180s it almost seems unreal.
He has stopped drinking for the most part ( occasionally having a drink , when he and ****I go out to Buffalo Wild Wings),,, and he is also "clean". This has made a tremendous change in his attitude and he is just so loving now. Sure he occasionally has an outburst here or there but for the most part he is being just amazing. Really , there is a comfort between us that had never been there before. We are both very loving to another and the kids have also gotten so much happier as a result. He has gone out once , maybe twice since my last post,,,, the rest of the time he wants to go out he takes me with him and we have dinner or just have some wings and "chat".
I couldnt be happier,,, there is a calmness in my heart that feels so wonderful. I have waited a very long time for this and now it really and truly is finally here. Even this Christmas we will all be going to Mexico as a Family... Yeah I know somebody pinch me. And my role as the victim I am sure is far tucked away. No it isnt even tucked away it just seems to have left the building. I am also very proud of that too and thank you to sooo many of you here who opened my eyes and "slapped some sense into me" so to speak. The way we get along now and how Good this is just beyong words really. I could spend a lifetime with him like this....
And when he does get a little edgy I just let it go and in the beginning of breaking this I did have to tell him quite often you are being downright cruel and a few tears may have come down my face. And then I would let him come to me or decide to apologize or change the behavior. I think once he saw how amazing our days together could be w/o his anger he has worked very hard to change his actions.
Just recently we had a local Festival and he told me to get ready and hed be back for me. Then my cell died and I was waiting for him,,, well here he called me several times to get on down there to be with him. We also had our 11th ANNIVERSARY.... on SEPETEMBER 26... and the day before we had a fun time a Buffallo Wild Wings... and the next day you know what we watched Movies and snuggled on the couch. And I must say that was the best ANNIVERSARY ever.
Thanks Cat and Cog~ you are the best. And Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone else for being there for me and helping me. I am at a local coffee shop on their Computer. I just found this place yesterday but ~ was too busy to post. I am doing well... I love you all so much and think of you often and keep you in my prayers always.And will keep in touch more when I can. Just know I will never forget you all. My Marriage is the best it has ever been, I feel truly blessed. Love and God Bless, Ali
awwww, i'm so happy for you Ali, you've held on with such determination, God has blessed you, I pray that when the unevitable bumps come your M stays strong)))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
