Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again back to square -1 or -10000

Cat,

I don't think I have posted to you directly before but you did post to me when I first came on to these boards with my problems relating to my fixation with OW.

I am so sorry that this has happened - it is the thing that we all fear and dread so much - esp when we are piecing - for whatever reason.

I am with Sara on the confontation side of things generally and maybe OW could do with a timely reminder. Your H has very particular problems and she may well not comprehend the extent of these.

Whatever you decide to do and however you 'play' it you know that we are all here behind you, rooting for you and praying for you. These OW are EVIL and there's just no two ways about it.

Saffie

you might be right RT, he might still suffer from MLC, I have tried so hard to please him in everyway, and he was always to tired for me, but apparently him and ow have been going it at it like there is no tomorrow, he said there was no real chemistry between us and that i still treated him like a child, that my search for affection was too much to deal with when he wasn't ready.
My friend from church, a psychologist, thinks he might be depressed, we'll see, he'll be seeing a therapist soon.

Thanks saffie, every prayer and post tells me I'm not alone

You have to be consistent now. No vascillating between feeling sorry for him, then tough. Choose a path and stick to it until he shows signs of working toward you. I am so sorry you are reliving this nightmare again, and I hope that now you are stronger, you will use a bit of tough love. I cannot see how anyone can use ADHD as an excuse to have an affair. There are other ways to have some excitement.

You are right when you said he has to fix himself. It sounds like you are heading toward enabling him. It is rare that contacting the OW is a good thing, but I think in this case, you did the right thing (I would've been tempted to post her d*mn pics on his phone to an XXX site ... teach her a lesson not to mess with married men.) You must be so disappointed and angry, but now is the time to be proactive. No more bailing him out of his debts, no more feeling sorry for him ... he is a grown-up and must feel the consequences of his stupid choices. You were also right in not allowing him into the M, and letting him eat cake.

Looks like he knew exactly what he was doing ... using you to get out of debt, while planning to visit her, and find a place with her. Now he is upset because he has been found out. I am sorry, but your H is a coward. Can't play the game honestly.

This sitch, too, is something I 'fear' happening to me again. Loving one's spouse is so important to a M, but trust is far more important, IMO. If ya can't trust your spouse, then there is no point in staying with them, unless there is a way for that spouse to be and prove their trustworthiness.

Take care.

Cat: this is KEY. I think part of DB'ing and getting back to who WE are, is not catering to our H's -- especially when they are the ones who have had the A's or want the D.

Of course, we all do it, but I think maybe you need to back off -- maybe he needs a huge wake up call. Maybe he needs to see that he could truly lose you over this kind of cr*p and see what his life would be like then. You have supported him through everything and I don't think a lot of women would have done that.

Cadesmom is right about the getting back to US part.... that truly is the key to DBing.

Here's a couple of thoughts that may or may not apply...

Perhaps the leash didn't extend long enough for him to get OW out of his system...

Maybe you have worked too hard to make things "perfect," made changes to try and make him happy, put most of the effort into making the marriage work while he hasn't met you even half way. Would you say you have carried most of the marriage load (especially recently) on "your back," figuratively speaking of course. (I know I did that for a long time!!!). One interesting thing I remember reading in "Not 'Just Friends'" is that sometimes affairs are not about trying too hard in a marriage and it failing because of that, but never putting enough into it. In other words, the person who puts less in has an easier time going into an affair because they never put enough in the marriage in the first place. And I sometimes wonder, if we (as DBers and people who really believe and want our marriages to work) tend to be the ones doing ALL the work. Maybe we just worked too hard, put too much into it and not required or even allowed the other to do their part.

One reason I bring this up is it is something I've done. I was always the one putting everything in the marriage, working "too hard" to make it work each time my husband would try to yo-yo out of the marriage. I'd try to reel him back before he really had a chance to experience life "on the other side of the fence" and get that whole "grass is greener over there" out of his system.

cat03 ~

I hated to see your post on my thread.
I remember when you left.
Victorious.

Don't you think sometimes the op should just be subjected to a good old fashioned ass whippin'?
I do.
Especially one that persists as the one in your sitch has.
The high road sucks so much of the time on this journey...
And we have learned that the op is not so much the problem as they are a symptom of it. Even still....

cat, I have not been in a good place myself the last couple of months so I don't know that I can offer you anything other than what you already know. You have to go dark. I believe you are at the point that your battle clearly belongs to the Lord. You have done as much as a person can on their own. It's time for your husband to put up or shut up and making excuses for him is not serving either of you well. Sympathy and understanding are one thing. Enabling is another.

Your husband has to want to help himself as far as the ADHD goes.
It's not an acceptable excuse with so many treatment methods available. Until he gets that help, I'm afraid you are wrestling demons that don't belong to you.

Step back, pray a hedge of protection around him and give him a chance to man up.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear from me but it is a response I have thought about for several hours after reading your post.



AmyC

[No vascillating between feeling sorry for him, then tough. Choose a path and stick to it until he shows signs of working toward you.
No more bailing him out of his debts, no more feeling sorry for him ... he is a grown-up and must feel the consequences of his stupid choices.
you are right, i have to stick to my guns, got to stop trying to soften the blow, sounds like he wants to move out,then he'll take his debts with him.
You are affirming what my friend told me this morn "let him be a man"

I think part of DB'ing and getting back to who WE are, is not catering to our H's -- especially when they are the ones who have had the A's or want the D.
...you need to back off -- maybe he needs a huge wake up call. Maybe he needs to see that he could truly lose you over this kind of cr*p and see what his life would be like then.
yes you are right, he had some spine and stayed away (my original plan) until we see the councelor. I have tried to do it all and it backfired, then again, I know it is not all my fault so i'm not beating myself up for it

yes, knowing he had not much to give me when he came back i went full spead ahead in trying to fill the voids in my M, not sure he was in shape to carry his weight at the time, but yes, I was doing most of the work, and that stops NOW

Dear Amy, thanks for your advice, I see a pattern here, that i have to let go, let him swallow a bit of water and just watch from the shore, til he is strong enough to swim my way without me throwing a rope and hauling him back with me.
He has lots of demons, he needs to fight them, you are right. I only hope I stay strong and not stuck in limbo, that I live my life in peace with my children til whatever happens happens.

Everyone, thanks so much for your helping hands, my heart feels lighter already, i'm dusting off DB rules "don't pursue" "don't be too available", etc etc. Love you all)))))))))))