Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again back to square -1 or -10000

I had stopped coming here a while ago since it was a year my H came back and things seemed ok.

well, the ow rises her head again, she thought he was divorced (I found a letter where he even says I left with another man) and sough him out again in june. Well, they've been having a steemy PA since then, I broke into his email and found picts and everything. I only found out today when his cell phone bill online showed 240$, i checked it out and it showed hundreds of txt msgs and pict msgs (yea, dirty naked picts from her)

They had planned a beach trip, which i thought was with the guys at work but apparently she was going to drive there with friends to meet him, he made up this "training" trip at the end of this month, I was going to give him 300$ for food and lodging, well, he was going to her home state, she had bought him a plane ticket. And the grace shot? he was looking for place to move out.
No wonder he kept asking me when we'd be done paying his debt, we have a joint checking acct, so my money went to pay for it, I do the finances so he only has a bit of money, thus the tricks to pay for the trips and etc.

I was sick, sick sick, left work, couldn't reach H (his cell is acting up ) Finally we talked, he acts dumb for the first min, then I told him I had proof, then he said "fine, I'll give you a divorce" then "i will break it off with her today" "I am stupid, thats why I did that". If the oldies remember, he has adhd and is never at peace, he feels at odds with the world. AFter counceling he said he was feeling better, that we were getting closer, but now he tells me he was just not happy, that nothing makes him happy and needed a new person to talk to and she showed up, according to phone records she call first.

It's too long to describe, but now i'm torn, I love him and want him back, but this has hurt too much, i've changed, ive been loving, tried everything. So many lies. He's empty, he needs therapy, he needs help, he is still the shell of a man he was a while ago, he confessed to try to stay at work longer so he wouldnt' have to come home, that he felt at odds.

Am I stupid to take him back? I dont' know, my kids, my sweet sweet treasures, if it weren't for them, I swear, I wouldnt' take him back. Then again, I still love him, that's half the reason I want him back.

Here I am again, shattered, not in pieces, still one big piece, but shattered.

Hi Cat,

I'm sorry to hear this terrible story. You were so nice and helpful to me when I was feeling bad after my H's deception. And now, I wish I knew what to say to you about this. I would rather believe that this type of thing doesn't happen. That really is bad. Why doesn't he have the strength to stay away from her? Why is she so persistent? There is a theory on the board that these other people are representatives of the devil. This theory is getting hard to argue with.

thanks Sara. You are right, it is the devil, and my H's weak state of mind, he has issues like you have no idea, he thought this PA would jolt him back to life, now he sees he's bringing everyone down with him. I'll give him credit for actually telling his mom the whole thing, when I found out last time and while it was going on she didn't know (her and his sister are the only family he has)

FIrst i told him to come and get his things. Then I felt sorry and told him he could sleep on the couch, now i don't know if that was the right thing. A small part of me is actually afraid he'll hurt himself, he sounded like a mess over the phone.

Just keep me in my prayers, my case is a weird one, there is always one poor soul who drops out of this board because things go wrong, but there are more success stories than failures from here.

I've got to agree with you on that one. It just seems to me that if OW was a decent, honorable person, she would NOT try and initiate (or continue) a relationship with a married man. Some evil force must be at work for that type of behavior to occur. Selfishness, greed, lust all come to mind. And it is so sad. Would she like to be the waiting wife, with the situation reversed? I think not.

Cat,

So sorry to hear you're going through this again. You know that you don't have to decide what to do right now while everything is raw. OW is your H's drug. From what you posted, it doesn't seem like he's trying to say he's in love with her or doesn't love you. He sounds like a confused, hurting, man who's trying to feel good and find happiness outside of himself. Doesn't help your pain though, does it? I've been there too many times myself and know how much it sucks after things were going well for so long. Be patient with yourself and take care of you and your precious babies. You'll find strength and answers in your heart when you're ready.

Huggs,

Sheila

Cat,

Just read your new post and am curious. Are you saying your case is weird because of H's backslide after a year now? I was thinking actually that it might be typical for him to revisit the A if he still hasn't dealt with his ongoing issues. Deb (fizzle) comes to mind as well as some others I've read. Yoyo's hubby went back and forth for a long time before resolving to work on their M. My DH seemed fine for 5 years with issues that he stuffed before they reared their ugly head again. I guess what I'm saying is, at some point, the issues have to be dealt with or they'll eventually crop up again. That's what makes piecing so hard I think. At first it's like a honeymoon and it's easy to pick up where we left off maybe. Some things are dealt with, but unless the WAS finds peace within themselves and the decision to commit to the M again, backslides do happen. You're not alone in that and it doesn't mean your sitch is without hope. For us it just meant that I had to dig in and we're having to be diligent in rebuilding our R no matter how much time is passed and how comfortable things seem.

Sheila

thanks JD, I did the frowned-upon anti-db thing, I called her. For better or worse I kept getting her voice mail.
Without utteting one insult (I still can't believe that one) I told her I was his wife, that he was still married (she thought he was divorced) that he had lied to her and that i thought she might like to know, that maybe she didn't care, but that i wasn't going to let my dh have his cake in the event i took him back.

Told her that i wouldn't respond if she called, not to bother. And I finished with telling her that messing with a separated man (back in 2005) was messing with a married man, that is WRONG.

What timing, Jay Lenos's musical Fuel just sang a song that said exactly what i feel:

ay it to my face
Look me in the eyes
And say what you have to say
You know we can't erase
These words before they bind
And turn the final page

Ah, here comes alone again

Coz everything's broken
everything's vacant
everything's wasted time again
Sentiments, hopeless
Innocence, jaded
everything's wasted time again

And so we leave this stage
And all our best written lines
and all the acts we played
so, say you want to leave
and say we'd never have
the way we always hope and we'd cry

And say hello to alone again

Coz everything's broken
everything's vacant
everything's wasted time again
Sentiments, hopeless
Innocence, jaded
everything's wasted time again

Someday we might find
(someday we will find)
some sacred place in time
(yeah, in time)
but until then
all will share
our dreams we left behind

Sheila, tx honey, I dont feel so alone anymore
Well, i'm saying that because there are folks who come here so afraid that things are just a mirage and very scared. My H fell in the trap pretty much becuase ow called him and he still had issues he was glossing over.
We did have some talks, when I was feeling he wasn't giving me affection(tip, be friends first, or you risk pushing your S into something they aren't ready for if they are coming from an A)
and he did tell me he still felt disconnected, but later on he'd act normal (now I know he was putting up an act so I wouldn't hurt if i knew the truth)

My H has a particular coctail of issues that arent your typical MLCer or man who is not faithful, his issues go back wayyyyy to childhood and untreated ADHD.

Cat,

I'm all for the confrontation. My son confronted OW for me, and threatened her if she didn't stop seeing his father. That was the moment I was proudest of him. They think they are getting away with something unless you let them know that they're wrong.

Understand dear Do you think it is easier to be compassionate since you know that his issues are mental health/childhood related? My H suffers with OCD/anxiety since childhood. It wasn't until he was diagnosed and started getting treatment that he stopped feeling like a total failure and I started to understand it wasn't about our R or me really. It was more about him running from failure and seeking happiness. Leaves us with a complicated ball of wax to deal with, but I'm a little more grounded when he gets a case of the crazies knowing what is at the heart of it.

Stay strong!