Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis please help with advice, new here, H in mlc

HBAT

W2S is telling it like it is. Listen to him, he knows and has been there. I have been there and so have the others here. We will be here for you. It will be easier when he leaves. Believe me when I tell you this becasue i tried to make my h stay and it was a living hell. They spew all kinds of garbage at you and your kids don't need to be around that. It will get very rough for him, you too, but you will make it! Honestly you will. Give it some time and give your h the space he needs to take this journey by himself. you can't help him right now, work on you, keep busy and if you need to talk to someone we are here.

Y

I am so grateful for all who have responded; I am truly trying to take this all in. I feel like I'm in a dense fog waiting to lift right now. I know I have to heed all the advice to go forward; I just need to find my will. I haven't been w/o him for our entire marriage, not more than a few nights.

Im still burdened with this financial thing, learning so much more of the garbage going on. BTW, I had already affirmed the 'no snooping goal' to myself before I even received your comments because that one is really not hard. I'm just not USUALLY that kind of person - h has done this to me, the emotional upheavel over the last days/weeks has set me in a full tail spin. I know I cannot control him nor do I want to. I find it insulting that he even suggests that I would want to 'track him down'! I say don't flatter yourself! I guess I'm done.

Yes, 2sad, there is alot more to the story and his previous life. There was alot of guilt over him leaving his kids from the previous marriage I think but we ended up raising them much of their lives. His son has lived with us full time for 12 years(just left for his own place with MY help-moving, cosigning, etc) and before that we had joint custody of them with 'me' as their primary caregive/babysitter as well. You would never know it by his story though, he blames me for 'messing up his kids lives'. His son and I are stronger now than ever in spite of him certainly not because of him. He did everything to come between us; by never putting me or our marriage first. Man, I could write a book. Step family dynamics are so tough! But we did recognize this going in, we always said we would get through it together, light at the end...Our emotional commitment was solid; always!! I know I didn't imagine this!

Yes, I admit I wasn't the 'perfect step mom' by no means but I simply can't be the monster he makes me out to be. Both of his kids have always called me mom or mommy and my SS just called recently to say how sorry he is and he loves me. We talk or see each other almost daily.

Never once did h step foot in their school setting or dr offices. Nothing in our household was his responsibility whatsoever, and now thats my downfall...he feels I didn't respect him. We were the 'perfect couple' to all who knew us, very romantic, touchy feely, affection at all times anywhere. I doted on him. We still held hands watching tv up until a few days ago...always grossing the kids out!

I guess I'm rambling...

W8ing,
I'm here, I agree totally. If I can just get through the next few days, h*ll, how about next few hours! My ss called and apologized to me; wanted to be sure I wasn't upset with him. He offered h to come to his new apt for now so h wouldn't sign a perm lease. We all know this is at most a temp fix but it was so thoughtful of him to think of and offer it. I told him not to ever worry; I love and appreciate his support to both of us-I expect no less! This isn't his battle, I think he knows it. All the kids are hurting already(except the young one) as she still has no idea. H wants to tell her now-of course he wants to tell the whole world but I said no (for now). I'm just not strong enough to pick her up from this yet. I need more time to think. What did you decide to do?

I'm so glad you spoke to your family; thats really great. Even though their oppinions are biased, I know they do stand by me no matter what. Whats so sad, I believed h would always do that for me too. I know, naive.

HBT - H went to a hotel tonight - I posted in my thread. Not doing well now. Hope you are doing better....

HBT
I started my third month in this storm and I know how you are feeling. I dropped 15lbs in the first month 1/2. My W however still has not told her mother or father and only 2 of six sibs. All the of her sibs know and have called offering their support. Though my children won't open up to me they have talked to a cousin who told me that they know it is their mom that is messed up.

This is going to take some time for you to come out of the "fog" it has for me. You'll feel like a ping pong ball when you talk to them. Yesterday I got one phone call where she told me that she was leaning towards divorce and a hour later she called and asked me to set up a joint MC session. In my case we are sharing the house and summer home just not in the same place at the same time. For me I look at the person I knew, they look the same, sound the same but they aren't the same person. I the kids and her family don't know this person she has become. I have gotten to the point that I don't know if I want this person back any longer, don't get me wrong I'm still in love with the old person but I don't know this new person. You will become the opposite of who you were before this happen, stronger. I know that I have and she ran when she found out I wasn't going to avoid her on issues. You will pull through this it takes time and effort. I did alot of reading in the begining trying to fix the R, now I am reading how to be a better parent for the kids. I see yours are about the same age as mine. They take it hard and hold it inside, monitor them as much as possible, I have found out things I never thought my kids would do. You must watch them and be strong for them, they might not tell you but they are watching and tell their friends that they confide in. Find some good pareneting books on divorce or seperation, I wish I would have started there 2 months ago.

One last thing, I know it is hard and you will think about it every minute of the day, but you have to give them their space. No calls, no text msg, nothing.

Be strong

not w/o hope

I said these very words to my parents today when I told them what was happening with my H and I. They asked why and I told them that I don't know. I was doing fine with the old H, but this new one doesn't love me. They are angry at him, obviously, and I told them to be angry at this new H, not the old one. They probably think I have lost it.

Can you tell me what you mean by you "have found out things I never thought my kids would do"? We will be telling our girls soon and I want to know what to expect in both the immediate and far future.

Thank you.

HBT - Just up now and thinking of you. My night was a little easier than I thought with him not being here - sleep more peaceful - now if I could get a couple of hours more.....

Keep hanging in there........

Don't want to hijack HBTs thread, but my younget daughter keeps a diary, the language she has been using and the selfestem crashed. She talked about her "boyfriend" in much the same way I am being treated. I have been watch her just a little more. The older one however, a SIL was in town and needed a swim uit o she topped by when no one was home. the oldest had two water bottles in her dresser however it wasn't water. She is keeping it more inside and it is harder to monitor her behavior. I know that there is a new boy starting to come around that is out of school that I have not yet met, and from what I understand me didn't get to graduate from HS. My oldest is a straight A student with big plans and is involved in school. I have talked to her about risky behavior and will see what happens. problem is I am not always around (right now) to watch, I also think that she is seeing her Mother do this same behavior and thinks its ok.

Must go to work

just checking in on all of you this morning. I understand that you are dealing with spouses you no longer know. I have been there and it is an awful feeling. It has taken so much to begin to see my H as human again. I have told him everything I felt and the things he did that hurt so much...he doesn't even really remember...well, he remembers but he said life was surreal and he felt like he was the one in the fog.
I can't stress enough to try to get on with your lives as best as possible, especially when you have children to worry about and currently you are the stable parent. I felt so alone because my H ditched all of us...didn't even take part in the kids lives for the 6 months this was going on.
I started counseling by myself the week H left and have just recently started going every other week. I have become much stronger and know I can live without H, I am making the choice to try to make my marriage work.
Once I got out of the fog and began to tolerate the feeling of rejection, things started to get better. I did not throw up everyday, and slowly he did not occupy my thoughts 24/7. This will happen to all of you!
Stay strong and please treat yourselves nicely...remember you did nothing to cause this!

mom/w8ing,hope, yr,all,
I appreciate all of you so so much. Not sure what I'd do if I didn't have this site to run to. I am up all hours reading etc. and yes mom, the throwing up is still going on. I'm starting to worry as I have a kidney Dx and they are hurting now too. Anyway, I made some initial steps this am to not talk to h and went on with my own business; I had cleaned the entire downstairs, watered my outside plants and garden(which were on the verge of death) and fixed the back sliding door(all by 8am)-which h had been spraying silicone on to unstick it for about a year now to no avail. Well I got out the good old br clorox, cleaned the heck out of it and put evoo on the track and now it slides like butter! I am so proud. My son came in this am after a sleepover and I told him and he just smiled so! It made me feel good.

Amyway, about last night-I did take a stand on the finances. I told him the spending HE was accauntable for would NOT be tolerated or any part of the new budget plan since he feels the need to spend like no tomorrow. It was a real awakening. I told him where he can find the records and figure it out and I will answer any questions he has but his check better not move. He said he hates it when I'm like this! Oh well!

Then, he insisted on talking to my d and I wanted to shelter her from it for alittle longer but our talk got alittle heated. It ended with me telling h I have to do whats best for her since I will be the one to pick up the pieces when he goes. He tried to say that wasn't my call. Well, unfortunately, I found my d in her br crying. She was shaking and quiet. I got her to open up and she said she was afraid we were getting a d. I talked to her for a moment myself then went to join h to let him in on it. It was so heartbreaking, the hardest thing I ever been through in my life. I assured her ther was NO talk of a d and this was just some time apart for H to think. And just as soon as it was over, he was back out drinking and smoking his cigars and me and my d spent the rest of the night bathing, listening to music and talking about HER/girl stuff. Nothing about us. It was so strange. Then we tucked her in assuring her nothing would change for her and we went to bed. H seemed very withdrawn and despondent, seemingly taking in the enormity of his actions. It was so surreal. I did NOT shed a tear for him!!!HORRAY!