Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Reality...Bite Me

oh well.. off for the weekend.. i have my children this time. yay

Hi DR,
Well, I think I have to disagree with you on this one...for once I think it can work, but just like with everything, both partners have to agree on the goal and how to get there. There are a lot of careers out there that require one parent to be away quite a bit and I don't see if any different than a musician...there are always ways Besides, I enjoyed it. What I should have done was still had my own life instead of clinging to his.


I think H is actually using her. She has a good voice and I think he think she is going places...


Backwards, I know. She was our little surprise (accident if you will, although she is NO accident to me).

I agree that he has a bad case of Peter-pan-ism!

I don't know that our D10 could bring him out of this. H feels like he is a great father to D10 now...I think because his father left him when he was 5 and was hardly ever available even though he always lived down the street. H lives about hour 1/2 away and he still makes it out to see her twice a week...a 150% better than his father.

I believe he will have to experience some level of success and the hardships that can go with success before he realizes what he has done...ya know, "be careful what you wish for".

Hey there...i took the day off yesterday




any anyone who takes one of those careers, and is a parent, is just as much a Bad Parent. They are abdicating their role as parent, and dumping the responsability on the other parent. Plus, depriving their child of their presence. Bad thing to do to a child.



There's a difference between "clinging", "having your own life", and "having a married life".

You having your own life, and him having his... is two people having separate lives. which is the exact opposite of "marriage: two people sharing their lives"

Anything that interferes with you two sharing your lives together.. by definition, is interfering with your marriage.



you mean, he may THINK he is using her. If so, he's an idiot.
Name me one singer who made it big, who either

a - stayed with the same band they made it big with
b - stayed with the same manager

even if you can name one... compare numbers to all the ones that DIDN'T. He's an idiot.



Studies on human nature, would say otherwise. Partial success, is actually the biggest reinforcer of "keep doing exactly what you are doing".
Best thing would be for him to completely blow it/get dumped/etc.

So glad you took some time off! Hope you enjoyed yourself.



I don't want to beat a dead horse, but doctors, lawyers, farmers and many people in the corporate world who travel all require a lot of time away from the family, in turn, depending on their spouses to take care of the children. I agree that there are people who can be "workaholics" thus neglecting their children and family however there are great parents in demanding careers. I think it depends on the person and the agreement between both spouses on the best way that they can be a family.



I agree with this. I think this is why he has clung so hard to this band even through all the hard times. I guess where I was coming from before is that I think H believes success with the band and success financially will make him happy. I think H needs to realize that only he can make himself happy; not money, not fame, not another woman...sometimes I think he might have to experience these things in order to realize that happiness comes from within, happiness is a choice no matter what sitch you are in. H is not one to think too far ahead. He even said to me that you can't think of the future until the present is fixed...whatever that means...it just showed me he can't think ahead. I think H is too far gone from reality to ever make it back. Even if he catches a glimpse of reality, I think it would be too hard for him to face it. I don't see much hope for H, I don't have much faith in him and I really think I am giving up. H received a wedding invititation in the mail the other day addressed to H and a guest and I had no idea who these people are! He really has a whole new life for himself now that does not include me. He's a good dad to D10 and I guess at this point, that is all I can ask for. Sorry for being a downer...I feel like this is partly acceptance and partly hopelessness...not necessarily a bad place to be. I feel sad, I cry sometimes, but I don't feel so devastated like I used to, just a feeling that this is what it is.

Well said! This is one of life's most important truths.



I dont think it's about "hard". I think it's about selfishness. your husband sounds to be very selfish. although he DOES also have some level of a responsability streak in him too. The only question is whether he'll finally grow up.
That, and will you decide to wait for him until that happens. It may well be a long time.

I'm sorry for your sadness. I know how you feel.

Bit of an update on me: wife haggled with me over division of furniture yesterday. wants to get "her half" moved over to her mother's house. PLUS she wants me to pay her money to half-finance new beds for the kids, since I'm getting to keep the old ones. sheesh.

She was sad, and cried a bit. said it was "tough seeing us like this".
Trouble is, she's put on an act so many times before, completely convincingly, it's almost impossible to tell when she's being sincere now.

it started with me first laying into her for not trying to work on our marriage for the past 4 YEARS (6, really), after her opening with how i should "do what's right" and give her money to set up her new place. She went defensive, although did actually acknowlege that was mostly the case. I kinda emotionally shut down then , and went into business mode, probably with a bit of a nasty look on my face.

THAT's when she showed her "soft" side, and "this is hard" kinda stuff. I said it didnt have to be this way. She said she "didnt see any other way". I replied that she hadnt really LOOKED.
talked a bit about our situation. We both cried a bit. I even gave her a kiss, which she sat still for (no kiss back). only the second one since june 2006.

She claimed she's going to "do some thinking" over the next few days. Which sounds really positive... until matched with the last times she's said she would "do some thinking". Absolutely nothing came of those; i think those times were purely "i'll get back to you: lets do lunch sometime" kinda things.

She doesn't usually cry. That makes things seem kinda different. Although the last time I remember her doing so... was the night she decided to move out. The tears didn't particularly mean anything positive for us THAT time.

Maybe this time is different. I'd like to think so. But I'm gonna try to avoid getting on an emotional rollercoaster about it.

grmblegrmble... easier said than done. I'm going to have to find creative ways of distracting myself over the next few days, to avoid calling her and asking her, "Wellll? are you actually doing any thinking? What are your thoughts right now? I'd really like to chat with you about it..."

Don't ya just love how the WAS/MLCer leaves and then all of the sudden it's sooooooooo hard for them and they need help with this or that. Give me a break!


Honestly, I wouldn't put too much stock in this if she has done this before. She knows she is breaking your heart and maybe this is a way for her to feel a little less guilty. We don't really know what it means to her...shoot, she probably doesn't even know what it means to her. In any event, the key thing is to really keep your mind off of it and not pressure her. Regardless of what goes on in her head over the next couple of days, I would keep in mind that this is a nice gesture on her part and maybe you can appreciate the fact that she hasn't totally thrown you by the wayside. At the same time, I would caution you...this is a really big decision and for her to make a decision either way in a couple of days seems to be a bit unrealistic. If she wants to remain in the M, you both need to find each other again slowly. All of this takes time. As they say...it didn't take a couple of days for her to decide to leave and it won't take a couple of days for her to decide to come back.

I wish you well. Enjoy yourself this weekend!

Journaling...

H and I actually had a fun conversation via TM last night. We started out by making arrangements for our days with D10 and then he wanted to tell me about a great show he just went to. Things just went from there. While we were making some arrangements for D10, he was checking with me if I had some plans because something last minute came up. I thanked him for checking with me first and taking my plans into consideration. He replied that he wouldn't have it any other way. I told him that was very sweet and he actually said thanks. Times before when I would say something like this, he just wouldn't respond.

This made me think of a post RCR made about the WAS coming back with confidence and not groveling. It makes so much sense to me now. I was one of those who thought if H comes back he should be kissing my a$$ and begging for my forgiveness. RCR made a good point that this shows their weakness and might I say insecurity. We don't want that, we need someone who is confident about themselves and confident about their decisions.

At any rate, I wanted to write about it because it felt nice, but I know it doesn't mean much in the big scheme of things.

I intellectually "know" this.. its what is always said.
And yet at the same time, it would never have come up, if I didnt "pressure" her, about how she never really tried during our marriage. Odd kind of contradiction of "what works vs what doesnt", isnt it?

In some ways, if I go with the DR "go with what works, change what doesnt" idea... I think i SHOULD pressure her... since in the past, she has used "i'm going to do some thinking over the next few days" to get me to leave her alone... and I DID... and she never talks about it again.

??? time to change my tactics ???