Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Are we piecing yet?

Hi All;

Well, I had a good weekend. H is moving out and in with a friend tonight. We went out to dinner Saturday night and I told him that I felt that he needed to move out until he could commited to me 100% and that I needed to start detaching. That I was feeling too close to him. I also told him that I was kinda excited about this single thing. That I wanted what he had with OW. I wanted someone to tell me how beautiful I was and who wanted to touch and kiss me. He got tears in his eyes and said "I don't want to move out, but I will on Monday." "You will probably find someone right away." We had a great evening and he touched and held me thoughout the night in bed.

On Sunday, we golfed and again had a good time. I was very upbeat and laughing. He kissed me several times on the golf course. He has never done this before. We came home and I took a bath. He came in to the bathroom and got into the bath with me and asked me to wash his back and that he would wash mine. Funny how relaxed we both were.

Later that evening he said "you seem like you are happy about me moving out and not being here in the evenings". I said I wasn't happy about it, I loved him and wanted our marriage, but that I needed to start detaching since he was still in a relationship with the OW.

He spooned with me twice last night in bed and touched me often (he is not a touchy person). This morning he e-mailed me at work and told he how much he enjoyed our week-end and how he wanted to golf with me every Sunday and what his plans were for my b-day on 9/1. He said "isn't is ironic that we are getting along better then we ever have and now I'm moving out".

I don't want him to move out either, but I have to get him off the fence. He seems so close to making the commitment to our M and me, but can't stop the communication with OW. He talks about our future and wants to go on our annual golf vacation on 9/7. He seems to be concerned about me "being single". I just hope this doesn't backfire. I have told him that his A with the OW could now be public. He says he has to set boundries with the A. I don't know what that means.

So all in all, while I'm sad, I'm being strong and happy. I want him to see the best that I can be and a happy smily face when he leaves tonight. Someone he would want to come back home to.

Wish me luck.

Faith

Faith,

H's OW is married but supposedly unhappy. I wonder how her H feels, if he knows, what's going on in their house. I know, I know, don't let OW consume me. Easier said than done.

And you totally pegged it. My H has it pretty good here too, most of the time. Especially since I started DB'ing, because he can avoid confrontations with me altogether. At times its peaceful and at times it feels fake, you know?

lwb,

It takes time. I still obsess over her, but I am finding it easier as time goes by. Have you and H discussed what changes he would like to see in you and you in him. I found that my H and I started growing apart because we just didn't spend enough time together. He understands this now.

There is a needs questionnaire on this web-site. I filled it out and then gave it to my H. I didn't think that he would complete one for me, but he did. It helped me understand my needs better and what I was missing and was probably angry about. His turned up some interesing things too. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

I bring this up only so that you know what you need to start working on and showing him those changes. Since he is living with you, you have a better chance of him seeing you make those changes and see what he would be missing if he left for OW. You want to be the best lwb you can be.

You are doing great with no pressing him about A and OW.

Faith

Thanks Faith, I will check out that questionnaire. I don't have a lot of faith that he will do it, only because before DB, I had asked him to read books with me on relationships and see a therapist and he refused.

That is a good idea about asking him what changes he would want from me. I know a few already (what our main issues were before OW came along), but maybe it would be good for both of us. I have a list for him (LOL), but will hold back until I know he is fully committed to me.

I am very proud of you for asking H to leave. Its so hard, but sometimes you get to the point where you need him to go. If H decided to leave, I honestly would be fine with it. Thanks to DB, and feeling stronger these days, I wouldn't be a major wreck. I would miss him to pieces, but in a way, he isn't really here anyway (physically he is, just not emotionally).

Hope you have a good night. I am sure H will be looking for all those good changes, and wondering what's going on in your life.

lwb - I had asked my H to read books and go to C and didn't get very far either, however, he was willing to complete the questionnair after I had completed mine and had given it to him. I also found that while he wouldn't read a whole book (except he did read a lot of "How to Survice an Affair") he was open to chapters in a book. This sometimes lead to him reading more.

As for last night - I knew that when H got to the house, after his workout he would be hungry, so I made dinner. I figured by the time he got his stuff together and moved, it would be late and so I was nice.

When he came home, he was a little distant and was having problems controlling his emotions. He hugged me and looked away from me, but I could tell he was crying. I did not cry. I have always been so emotional and he has not. I don't understand why I'm not now. It is odd.

After dinner he said that he was going to do some work on the computer (his second job is real estate). Everytime I would mention him packing, he would say that he was only going to take a few things because he could pick up more later in the week. Well before I knew it, it was after 9:00 and he still hadn't packed anything. He mentioned how late it was. I knew what was coming next. He says, "it is late and by the time I get my stuff together, get the groceries and go to friends's house and blow up my mattress, it will be too late. Since I don't workout on Wednesday evenings and you will be at your golf league, how about I pack my stuff then and move it to friend's. Since it is our 18 year anniversary of our first date, I can meet you after your league and we can have a couple of drinks and see what you think". I told him that we had already discussed this last week and that I had already given him another day because I really wanted him out on Sunday. He said "I know, but this is so hard for me. Last time I moved out I wasn't attached to you. Now I'm attached and while I know it is something I have to do, I'm having problems with it". I wanted to say, well then GET RID OF HER AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO LEAVE, but I didn't. So I gave in and said ok.

I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. We have been getting along so well and enjoying each other. We went to bed and he was very cuddly. This morning he reminded me that we had a date for lunch in the park today.

I just feel like he is cake eating. I feel like we are just so close to closing this chapter and moving forward. He talks about things in the future all the time. Like investments we have, our retirement plans, some minor home updating projects, future vacations. Unless he has a change of heart this week, I don't see him moving off the fence without me forcing him to move and him seeing me GALing.

I just keep praying for strength, courage, and wisdom to do and say the right things. I hope that I have. I want him to leave, (so that he might get his head on straight)but I want him to leave on a good note. I don't want him to leave angry. I want him to remember how good it was and how our life could/would be.

Faith

Faith, I feel ya girl! I had to literally be mean and kick my h out by being mean everday ( i know not DBng),but I wanted him out so badly. He was cake eating really bad and would take off on the weekends w/ OW.

Still 4 months later h still has clothes,shoes and all his stuff in the garage. I jsut movesd his clothes out to his extra room & he is pist?? I said you dont use those clothes, you dont live here & I need the space... I told him I did it before he came home to visit /w the girls and tonight I will be out /w the girls so he doesn't make a scene. He wants me to put it all back. I told him most women would of thrown your stuff out to the garage by now.

chicki, I feel for you. My H did a 180 about 12 weeks ago and the A isn't in my face anymore. He doesn't have much contact with OW, but he has some and I think that his move out would get him back on track as I have not seen any changes in him for the last 6 weeks.

Since we have so many more positives then negative I don't want to stop the progress and making him mad would only push him toward her. Right now he is more incline toward me and working on our M. He has told me that she is not for him and that he does not love her. He just gets off on the high he gets when they are kissing. I can't do that for him anymore, as I am old hat(these are my words not his). I do believe the newness is wearing off as he states that he is no longer in a bubble and that was then and this is now.

I hope you can put your M back together.

Faith

So today is our 18 year anniversary of our first date. He has reminded me of this several times over the last week. Never was a big deal in prior years and don't really understand why it is now.

I have golf league tonight and then H wants to meet at Applebees to have a drink when I'm done. Probably won't be until around 8:30, but I told him that would be nice. I bought him a book that he probably won't read, yesterday at the Christian book store call "When Good Men are Tempted" by Bill Perkins. It peaked my interested within the first two pages. Now I just hope it does the same for my H, as I have read it and found it to be very helpful. He isn't much of a reader.

H is suppose to have his stuff moved out tonight and then staying at a friends until he can get this figured out. Last night when he came in to brush his teeth, I was already in bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around me and held me for a long time. He said, "I will miss you a lot." I said I would miss him too. He came to bed and was touchy all night and then spooned with me this morning before he got up. When he left for work, he said he would call me today. I think he has been waiting for me to tell him that I didn't want him to go and that he could stay. I have done that in the past. I'm very comfortable about him leaving. If he spends more time with OW, then he will see that they do not have anything in common. He already know this and he has told me that he has seen things in her he did not like. GOOD! Let him spend some more time and see more things he doesn't like.

Anyway, I'm in good spirits today. It will be hard to not have him at the house, but I think it will be harder on him them me.

Faith

Well, well. What a surprise today. I'm really getting the treatment. So right b/4 lunch this beautiful bouquet of flowers shows up w/o a card. I called the florist and they told me that they were from my H and he did not want a card sent.

I went to lunch with a girlfriend and when I got back I had a vm from him saying I'm outside of your office, but you aren't answering the phone. Anyway Happy 18th Anniversary and ILY. This is the first ILY. He has said LY, or signed cards and e-mails with L, but no ILY.

I called him back to thank him and he said well it is an important date (never has been b/4. It is just the 1st time we met and went on a date). And then he has to throw in "no matter what happens with us." So why did he have to throw that in there? I'm trying not to think about the negative comment, but it bothers me.

At any rate I will live on the ILY for a long time. Maybe once he has said it, he will feel more comfortable saying it again.

Hope so.

Faith

Hey faith,

Thanks for putting a smile on my face today. Nice to hear good news once in a while

Husband