W8ing, Things just keep going from bad to worse. I had looked into H's cell records last month trying to make sense of his 'discrepancies/absences/lies' which totally I know I shouldnt have done; but they were thrown right in my face by him. I do deserve answers, we are married and partners at the present. He's been so secretive and mysterious, his life has changed before my eyes. Well, he made the comment asking when the bill would be here and that just got me going again. Needless to say; he says he's now had it with all my checking up on him etc. like he isn't even married anymore. I said I wouldn't have had any reason to question things had you not been so absent and secretive. He blew up and said now its my fault I've forced him out since I can't give him his space. Now he wants his own bank acct, money & I've got to deal with this all today/tonight. He's never dealt with banking or ANYTHING in our household for the entire marriage. NOW he wants to make a spreadsheet/budget etc. so we can get this over with. Just a business transaction that "needs to be handled" so he can get on with his life without me.
He's running so fast my head is spinning. I know I've done nothing to help but he's the one abandoning his committments. This is so unbelievable.
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
HBT - Do you really want to know now about an OW? I don't. I am not snooping because I don't know if I could handle that information now. Be careful about looking at his records - you may find out information that you don't want to know or can't handle knowing right now. You have been through a lot lately - give yourself a break. I know you deserve answers - but the question is, do you really want answers....let it go for now.
As far as the finances - I think we will need to have that talk tonight too. I told him last night that we needed to work on this and that it needed to be in writing. An attorney friend of mine said that in her experience, they are better at the negotiations in the beginning. As time goes on, bitterness can develop which means more fighting over the money. But I am putting off the talk by going into work tonight. Just a little alone time to pull myself together and catch up on some paperwork.
Remember that your H doesn't see it as abandoning his committments - he sees it as escaping (from what...who knows?). You want him to see clearly - he simply can't right now.
Can you and your D go out to eat tonight - just the two of you. Leave your H a note when he gets home - do something he doesn't expect you to do? Don't be there when he gets home - it is what he expects.
Whether we went out or not would make no difference. H already informed me he would be "late" the next two nights as he has dinner/work plans after work both nights. How crazy is this. Then he leaves Saturday. He says he can't stay her and keep going round and round with me. The weird thing is he's the one who's been starting all the 'talks'!
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
Whether we went out or not would make no difference. H already informed me he would be "late" the next two nights as he has dinner/work plans after work both nights. How crazy is this. Then he leaves Saturday. He says he can't stay her and keep going round and round with me. The weird thing is he's the one who's been starting all the 'talks'!
when he starts the R talks you MUST...I REPEAT MUST say to him...I am not ready to talk about this right now and WALK AWAY!!! no tears, nothing....walk away. mark my words you will shock him because it sounds like that would be a 180 for you. He is going rounds with you to keep him in control of the situation...break the routine now. Act differently. When and IF he really leaves on Saturday break off as much contact as you can with him. Let him call you...do not initiate phone calls, emails etc unless it is a major emergency.
What about the banking; he's insisting we HAVE to do this when he gets home. Of couse I've now been seeing all these multiple charges and it makes me furious. He wants his privacy, like yesterday and I'm in his way. Not to mention he will be in a 'happy' state of mind after being out with friends...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
we aare jumping back and forth here...just posted on the other thread about the finance talk. Actually, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do. Remember, only you can control your actions...not him!! If those charges are coming out of your combined acct, you have every right to know why the money is being spent the way it is!! If he comes home in a happy state of mind or not...don't have the conversation...how late is he going to be? Try to be asleep (or at least fake it)
We regret meeting you here this way. But you are here and we will share thoughts and suggestions. There are no answers to be had and there are no cures to be found. You are in a perfect storm you did not see coming.
If it is about mlc, and it seems possible, here are some consistent experiences learned by others. He feels his life is passing him by, and he wants his last chance to live it his way. He believes he must be away from you to do that. He feels guilty for wanting a life of his own, and turning away from his promises.
He will turn that guilt into extreme and uncontrolled anger against you. You are the one closest to him. You are the one he owes the most to. You are the one he must destroy in order to get his freedom. The more you resist, the more destruction will result. Try to avoid as much of this as possible.
Start by being glad he is moving out to destroy himself. It is not something you would want to observe from within the family home. He does need his time and space. So do you. You will learn in time that this is not all about you, but will become just that. It will become more about who you are and who you want to be, than what he thinks and alledges you did wrong. He will re-write history to fit his needs. He needs to justify his leaving and his need for a new life. This new life will fail him in time. You must give him that time.
During that time, you must focus on yourself and your kids. There are stories of those that went mlc and later tried to come home but were rejected. Sometimes they are turned away because of how much damage the do in the way the leave. Other times it is because the LBS grows and learns about themselve and find that the MLCer no longer fits in their new life. This is all a long way off from where you are. You are in the beginning of a storm, not the middle, and no where near the end.
Be clear and firm about finances. The average MLCer will go through a lot of money during the storm. You need to preserve all you can for yourself, and for the kids. You will be saving this money from the MLC dump. Help him pack. Help him move. Wish him the best. Then restart your life the way you would live it if a plane had just fallen on him from the sky. For all purposes, it just crashed.
The ones that end up wanting to return don't do it because they felt guilty. They sometimes do it because they were dumped by there new partner. Most of the time they just realize what a mistake they made, and they see you living the better life. They want to try to return to that better life they abandoned. It can easily take two years or more. If that is what you intend to prepare yourself for, realize there is no rush on your part.
You won't need to have a complete roadmap for life at this time. You will create one as you go, at your own pace. He will be in and out of your life and your contacts. He will do things you never imagined. It will not be him, but this new super ego that is exploding out of the body of someone who has suppressed a lot of issues for a long time. His issues are deep inside and relate to himself from his youth or young adulthood, not with you.
You didn't break him and you can't fix him. He is fighting with all he has for a "Do Over". You don't say why this is his second M and his first one may have had nothing to do with this kind of crisis. Or, he could have gone through an early Quarter Life Crisis without fully resolving concerns about his mortality that are now surfacing again. There is a lot to this, but so little can actually be explained in short posts.
Find things to read about mlc. Find things to do to avoid being consumed by it. Keep updating and folks here will try to share support.
we aare jumping back and forth here...just posted on the other thread about the finance talk. Actually, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do. Remember, only you can control your actions...not him!! If those charges are coming out of your combined acct, you have every right to know why the money is being spent the way it is!! If he comes home in a happy state of mind or not...don't have the conversation...how late is he going to be? Try to be asleep (or at least fake it)
HBT - mom and was2sad offer some great advice. I know that when I told H the other night that I wasn't going to talk, he was surprised. I was nice about it, but firm. It is easier though to just be asleep. I did that last night. Just because your H wants to talk, doesn't mean you have to. But you do need to protect yourself in the financial area. I am trying to figure this out too. He was out buying furniture last night - that couldn't have been cheap - I'm am trying to figure out how that enters the picture and how to talk to him about it.
I have every intention of following mom's advice on breaking off all contact with him once he moves out. Mine will be a challenge because I work with him. Can't believe I am probably going to lose my job too over all of this... In any event, I think she is offering good advice in this area. I also am going to keep up the cheerful front for two reasons - first - maybe I'll start feeling more cheery if I act it and second - I know that he will be getting reports from all over (friends, family, girls) on my demeanor. As far as I am concerned he can think that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Was2sad - you really know how to write. You put a lot of thought into your post and I really took it to heart. Thank you for the time and energy you took in writing it.
HBT - hang in there - let us know what happens tonight and I will do the same on my thread. Post here on one thread - forget the other one for now so you are easier to find!
