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Kelley,

I agree not communicating on both parties part usually will cause problems. Yes you are dead on, right now the OW meets his needs and he doesn't have to apologize or face up to reality with her. Too bad, because one can not run for ever it will catch up sooner or later and the same issues will arise because he never addressed and fixed the problem in the first place.

Actually I hope for both of your sakes he decides the OW is not the answer and comes back to you to fix it. Based on what you have written that seems remote, but if that were to happen then you guys have a chance. In your mind you would know he choose you and the family, regardless of what decision you make after that, he would have chose you.

I hope my W. realizes no matter what had happened or what will happen, I came back because I chose to face up to problems and address them so I would have a chance and getting my family back.

Don't know what will happen but I will someday sleep better, knowing I made some huge mistakes, but I did the best I could to atone for them. All we can do is try, you only really fail in life when you don't try! I mean really try give it your all, and more often than not you won't dissapoint yourself.

Well we have company at the house this weekend it came in the form of my FIL. Nice man, but a bit antisocial, as per usual routine, once my W. family comes to visit which is about 2 times a year I get the icy chill. Any sort of warmth is gone, the opportunity to talk does not exist while we have visitors.

Don't really know how I feel today, I took a walk last night with my S. and W. it was nice but I have to do all of the work in making a connection. I am pretty sure now since it has been two days of the same type of behavior from my W. that I am going to alter my behavior.

Let me explain, for the past week and a half I have been complimentary, (not just to be so but when it was warrented). I have been affectionate and it seemed to be going better. Some open communication, at least more than we have had for a while. The last couple of days ever since see admitted that she is stressing again she has withdrawn from what has become my normal self. Since the lack of return or if it is returned it feels forced, I think a new goal is in order.

I will continue to be supportive and bust my butt on the house since she has lost a lot of her ability to do things she use to do. Probably due to stress! But I don't think other than listening and offering cordial greetings and salutions, I am going to continue the way I have been. Difficult to do but I will let her make the contact, I do not know if this is the best measure since at times it seems we get closer with affection, but for my own sanity I think this is the best course of action right now.

It is so weird the last few days she has withdrawn again. Of course I did not help matters a few nights ago, but like most of us when we feel mistreated I believe it is necessary to notify the other about boundries. For instance I have made it clear that I do not approve and have an issue with the late night personal conversations about our R. with her friend. I know many of us wait out the OP relationship and I am not saying I won't wait it out also. However, I am not going to let things happen without calmy indicating how I feel about it.

I remember my W. once told me, that I was one of the few people who would not put up with her crap. She never felt like she could railroad me or that I would lay down when I felt a certain way. Therefore despite my lack of footing in this R. I will not give that part up. I think it is important that while we change our behavior some of the core qualities still remain the same. At least the ones that are not "bad"!

Happy Friday to all!

TGF,

Can you take a look at my sit. and let me know what you think. I dont know how to link so if anyone can help me. It is under I am thinking about leaving and the title of mine is I am so lost I dont know what to do. HELP. I would appreciate any feedback from your point of view.

I am wondering if the last resort is what I need to do.

Hi, trust me when I say this...as an almost WAW.....we suffer a lot. We are not totaly inhuman, we may be selfish, insane, and some other things, but we hurt also. I, too, am willing to help anyone I can to try to understand this side of the fence. In my case, I am the W who had an EA with OM over the internet. H found out, grown children found out...it hurt very, very bad.

I don't want to take away from "Lessons from a Former WAS"....but just wanted to throw my two cents in. Just know that regardless of how well we seem to cover it up....even try to make ourselves believe we are happier with OP...don't believe it. We don't get by untouched!


Sandi2

Amy,

I replied on your thread! I don't know for sure what you so do, I offered some thoughts. Do what you think you should do, or do nothing and give it some time until you are ready to decide.

This weekend was up and down, Saturday was nice but W. seems to be more involved with her own activities than anything else. She continues to take calls and leaves the room so no one can hear what she is talking about. One minute she talks about a future and the next she withdraws and avoids any type of emotional contact.

I have decided that tonight I will attempt to have a conversation with her, since nothing seems to be changing, instead of giving choices this time, I will offer what I would like to do. The current techniques and mindset is not offering enough positive results so I am going to attempt something different.

I have decided and the opportunity has presented itself that we spend more time apart, since she seems to be uncomfortable most of the time with us together recently. Our baby sitter has fallen through again and I am going to suggest she work all nights and alternate weekends with our S.

I am not going to pretend this is totally selfless, since the situation is starting to cause me to feel resentment and anger! Before I say something I will regret, I am going to suggest this.

I have decided that it is necessary in order for any hopes of reconcilation in the future that I try and put a stop to the resentment I am feeling! It bothers me that things she was admintally against in the past, she is now just fine with it. Some of thoughts she currently has are that she feels like she is settling and that working on it together means she is giving up happiness.

I of course know this mindset is ridiculous since I have been there also, but I also know what I did was cause resentment in her and now she is doing the same to me! I realize this and I am going to put a stop to it! She is struggling with her wants and if truely look at it, she can deal with having to make the decision right now. Therefore I will intiate what I believe to at least be a different approach and I positive if nothing else is my S. will be with one or the other almost the entire time.

tgf,

A question for you: When you left, did you feel that it was for good or did you just think that you needed time alone to work on yourself? What brought you back to the realization that you wanted to be with your family and work on your m?
Thanks for sharing your story with us.

NA,

I needed time for myself. I could not honestly tell you if I knew I would be back! I was brought back because I fairly quickly realized my family and my M. was the most important thing to me. I also realized that even if I did not succeed at mending the marriage, someday I would be able to look my S. in the eye when he asked me and daddy could say S. I gave it all that I had! It is very important to me that my S. learns some lessons without being exposed to them.

I hope that his mother and I can at least give him a better start to relationships and how to work through them than we were given.

Thanks for responding both tgf and sandi. I will take any advice I can. I know my husband needs space and quite honestly I do too right now. I actually was thinking today that it is very peaceful here with no one yelling at me or the kids. Maybe this isn't so bad.

Well after Monday's long and late night talk, things are not looking very good! We had a discussion about of all things not talking! W. indicated very admantly talking about her feelings doesn't help. However she enjoys talking to her male "friend".

I indicated how I felt and it was boundry for me that was being crossed. She said she wants a seperation, knows I can't move out right now but wants a seperation. I did not say this but we have been seperated already at least emotionally. She did however express for the first time some anger and call me some names. I thought it was good to start to get some of it out! I think she bottles it up and that is not healthy for anyone!

Regardless of the outcome, I thanked her for sharing her feelings. She contends I don't really want to hear them, but yet I listened for about 20 minutes about how I have ruined everything and caused so much pain. I don't know what will happen, trying a very casual detaching mode. It is a fine line between showing interest in what she is talking about and not showing too much.

Space and time will tell the story as with most of us. I can't remeber being this nasty and selfish, but maybe I was! More importantly I am sure I was perceived at being this selfish. She called me selfish and asked me to stop being nice and stop trying because it just won't work! She can't get past it! I don't believe that, but I do believe until she wants to get past it she won't.

She claims she hasn't cried and that worries her because it means she doesn't care. More likely she isn't past the anger stage. Plus she has forgotten how upset she was in the beginning of the year! I don't know what it all means and I am not sure how I feel about everything. Some days I just want to call it quits and some days I just shut up and take it!

Interesting enough, when I brought up finances she gets very defensive and says I am threating her. I said I am not threating but we have to look at this realistically. I don't know I have to do some thinking and definitely have to let go before I get as angry and pissed as she is. Then things are really doomed.

Curious,

How do you deal with the fact that after making it clear about your boundries, they continue to infringe on them. All I can say is; if nothing else I understand how selfishness can cause the other person to become so resentful and angry that it makes things seem a lot worse than they are.

The situation has not improved, however I have started to detach and I am not really interested in talking to her about it anymore. I think maybe I need to re-examine the situation and understand that sometimes people just can't forgive past mistakes. Sometimes we just can't get out of our own way and sometimes it just takes a long time! What a wait, but I know putting a timeline on things is just not reasonable.