Ian-- I know that I must be so frustrating for OT and the others, as well as yourself. The wakeup call is appreciated. I remember reading someone else's thread just after I signed onto the boards who was doing the same thing that I have been doing now, thinking, my God, woman, LISTEN!
And now, I am doing the same thing.
Maybe it is because I never broke up with anyone in my life; H has been my one and only. I never saw this coming, and most (if not all) of this time, I have been focused on trying to save us being a couple, that I got terrified when it looks to really be the end. Trying to take the parenting class together was a HUGE mistake! This has been the hardest thing in my life.
Today has to be a whole new start for me. I can see how I have given away the power of my life to this man, who has not treated me well. I wish I could stay angry; I actually feel better like that. Or when I keep this mess up in my head.
I feel a slave to my emotions--the same thing that I condemn him for! I've GOT to get a handle on myself!
Getting away for the week from CW across the street, my in-laws (who try so hard but are also a constant reminder), our mutual friends, our house with it's memories...leave all of it behind and try to find myself again. Enjoy the kids and family, feel small in front of the ocean.
The kids know H's phone number, so they can call on their own. I am going to put an alarm watch on S as the reminder so I don't even have to think about that. Emailed H that pick up and drop offs will be in the driveway, and I am staying in the car. I'm asking him to stay in the house. He can't come to our house, because there is a good chance that CW's H would shoot him. He hasn't been back to the house in over 3 weeks. I need the break, I need to go "cold-turkey" to get over this addiction. I AM hurting myself at this point, by putting myself in front of the bus (me and you, Nikki...).
Would you believe that I was a happy, secure, optomistic person before this whole thing blew up? He was not my whole life, but I have given up so much of myself while trying to get through this. I became willing to give up everything for him, and did for the most part. I have to get that back.
To hold me to task, I am going to post any emails I do send him here. And start a withdrawal count-down.
I did stick to my plan before I spoke with him earlier--I called two friends and the C, and did 2 active things from my list. The compulsion didn't go away, and I called. Of course, it is the same mistake I have made over and over. It never gets me any closer to what I want, no matter how much it makes "sense" for me to talk to him. So, updating the plan--call FOUR friends and do 3 activities, post here, and still DON'T call unless someone else is in dire emergency. My emergencies won't count. This might sound sick, but I have to almost pretend he is dead. No contact for at least...3 weeks (does that sound like too much of a stretch for me right now? Urgh...have to!!) That gets me to 9/7/07. I'll renew the plan then. I want him to be the one to contact me, so the timeline will (probably) have to be extended.
I'm at 5 hours. And I slept for 2 of them. How pathetic...but I can only get better from here.
If all of these words, from all of my wonderfully supportive friends and family, all of the books I have read, haven't been able to get through my thick head to keep me on the only path that has a remote chance of working, how can I expect MY words to reach H?
Yes, it is a process of learning to control your mind. It is very hard, but it can be overcome. You are on the right path. Keep the letter from yesterday to remind you of your anger. Anger will protect you from the other emotions. If you can remember why you hate him, you can keep the other feelings at bay.
OT, I called him back today. He called about me leaving abruptly from the class last night. I spoke with the instructor before I left, and she wouldn't tell him what about.
Essentially, it came down to that I don't want this. And he does. So, that is today's reality.
Sara--I can't print just yet, but I will re-read it every day.
*** This is the email (keep me accountable, friends):
I transferred $xxx from my checking acct to yours. This is for AT&T, Capitol and CL&P. The electronic bill payments that were scheduled are pulling from checking 01 (yours). Can you look at how to select which checking acct it pays from? I don't know how to do that. There are other bills scheduled to be paid, and I am afraid that they will come out of the wrong acct and we will be overdrawn.
Also, I am going to need the computer back. The one from school won't let me print, and I need to be able to do that. The cost of the filing ($225) came out of my acct, so if you get the computer, it would equal about half of that shared cost...? Please try to have it for the Saturday drop-off if you agree.
I am also thinking of replacing the tv in the living room. I don't want anything huge or expensive...I'll get some quotes, and I hope that you can at least put half into that, too. It doesn't have to be the same week as the computer.
Any word on the credit card thing? The $xx/month is just a few dollars shy of the minimum payment, now.
As far as the kids seeing you on the 18th--19th, I need to drop them off about 8 am. I am taking the parenting class all in one day on Sat. I'll drop them off in the drive; just let me know that you are ready for them at the window when I get there. I'll beep for them on Sunday at 7pm in the drive.
Here's the thing, some people like to suffer. They like to wallow as it deflects them having to take a good hard look at themselves if they continue to deflect onto the spouse. Not for nothing but when the hell are you gonna start caring more about yourself than you do about your H????
Donna - if this rings true for you, I found a book you might want to check out. I am totally excited about it, and can't wait to get it (wishing I had sprung for the quick shipping instead of the freebie!). I was looking for the Boundaries book Oldtimer recommended and also found this one by the same author: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1592850847/103-1255002-0708653
The title is "When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content"
I haven't gotten it yet, so I can't comment on how it is, but based on the reviews and the info on Amazon it looks REALLY good. If you're trying to save $$ there are used ones for under $5.
Here's the Amazon "plug" for it (I bolded the parts that really jumped out at me):
Quote:
Book Description Do you, or does someone you love, take comfort in misery? If achievement creates anxiety, if intimacy leads to fear, of if happiness produces uneasiness, you might be unwittingly making choices that keep you miserable. You might, in fact, be addicted to misery. Feeling too good for too long--or even feeling good at all--can be a frightening situation for those who believe that every joy must be equalized by a setback explains groundbreaking author and psychotherapist Anne Katherine. In this first-of-its-kind, fascinating, and prescriptive book, Katherine describes how many people guard against disappointment, fear, or shame by not allowing themselves to fully experience intimacy, success, or pleasure. Offering exercises, personal stories and gentle wisdom. Katherine empowers readers to climb out of their carefully calibrated misery and find new comfort in contentment.
And here is part of one of the reviews:
Quote:
Whether they like it or not, admit it or not, a large number of people are "addicted to misery." Misery addiction is an insidious form of self-sabotage that manifests in a large number of very different, but very "general" ways. For instance, we may habitually make choices that set us up to fail, or we may abandon projects right before they succeed. Maybe we choose abusive partners and friends; maybe we're chronically underemployed. Perhaps we avoid happiness because of a persistant fear that we will *lose* that happiness. Each issue-- in one way or another-- adds up to living a life in which we never really feel content or fulfilled, and like the "good things" of life somehow keep passing us by.
Whatever the issue might be, conventional psychology either does not recognize Misery Addiction at ALL, or it chalks such problems up to more "popularly acceptable" causes, such as poor self-esteem, lack of assertiveness, ADHD or some other more widely recognized "syndrome." In this groundbreaking new book, author and psychotherapist Anne Katherine explains that there's really much more at work here.
Both of these REALLY made me go "AH HA!" Especially the part about avoiding happiness and intimacy due to fear. Remember how you said you wondered if you and H ever truly had that intimacy?? I feel that way too sometimes. I have been reading Sara's reviews of Retrauville and thinking about going and the thought of it terrifies me (me.. the LBS who desparately wanted the chance to fix things... and it terrifies ME? I kept asking myself WHY???). I see why now - fear. And that fear is quite probably led to the breakdown of intimacy in my M (or the lack of true emotional intimacy to begin with, I'm still wrestling with that question).
Anyway - I see in myself that often when I make progress (in many things, not just my R/M), I begin to sabotage myself. I see that in you, too.
Hoping this book helps me figure out how to stop jumping in front of that damn bus!! I will be sure to share my "review" here after I've read it, but thought you might be interested in getting it before then.
(((Donna)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
"I transferred $xxx from my checking acct to yours. This is for AT&T, Capitol and CL&P."
Good!!
"The electronic bill payments that were scheduled are pulling from checking 01 (yours). Can you look at how to select which checking acct it pays from? I don't know how to do that. There are other bills scheduled to be paid, and I am afraid that they will come out of the wrong acct and we will be overdrawn."
Is there a way you can check this on your own?? I don't know how you've got things set up.
On the money - as soon as possible, I would stop with the "who's paying what out of what account" thing. I realize this is all VERY new so it's bound to be awkward for awhile, but you should really just discuss how much $$ each of you gets per month (I'm assuming he'll owe you $$?). Then set up the transfers, and use that to pay the bills. Then you have no reason to get into who's paying what when.
"Also, I am going to need the computer back. The one from school won't let me print, and I need to be able to do that. The cost of the filing ($225) came out of my acct, so if you get the computer, it would equal about half of that shared cost...? Please try to have it for the Saturday drop-off if you agree."
It took me a minute to even figure out what you meant here, but once I finally did, it sounds kinda bitter. I'd separate the computer thing from the filing thing completely.
"I would like the computer back. The one from school won't let me print, and I need to be able to do that. If you agree, please have it ready for me to pick up at the Saturday drop-off." [anyone have opinions on "need" vs. "would like"?? I was thinking it sounded better? Also should there be anything if he doesn't agree?]
Then SEPARATELY mention the filing (probably better up above with the stuff about the bills). First off, did you guys agree to split the filing in half? If so I'd say something like:
"Please transfer (or write me a check) for $112.50, to reimburse me for your portion of the filing fees."
If you didn't agree to that before - think about if it's worth it, and then you'll have to figure out a strategy to ask for this.
Quote:
I am also thinking of replacing the tv in the living room. I don't want anything huge or expensive...I'll get some quotes, and I hope that you can at least put half into that, too. It doesn't have to be the same week as the computer.
Huh??
No... if you want a new TV out of your money, after you've figured out who gets how much $$, then get one. There's no reason for you to be discussing household purchases or for him to be paying for them.
"Any word on the credit card thing? The $xx/month is just a few dollars shy of the minimum payment, now."
Assume that he'll know what this is about - this looks fine to me.
"As far as the kids seeing you on the 18th--19th, I need to drop them off about 8 am. I am taking the parenting class all in one day on Sat. I'll drop them off in the drive; just let me know that you are ready for them at the window when I get there. I'll beep for them on Sunday at 7pm in the drive."
How about?:
"On the 18th-19th, I'll drop the kids off about 8:00 AM. Please go to the window so I know that you're ready for them. On Sunday, I'll come get them at 7:00 PM and will beep in the driveway when I'm ready for them."
(subtle reword but makes it less about your needs, less about what you're doing...)
Last edited by NikkiB; 08/09/0710:33 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thought it might be clearer to read my suggested version all together (of course I am by no means an expert!):
Regarding finances:
I transferred $xxx from my checking acct to yours. This is for AT&T, Capitol and CL&P.
Please transfer (or write me a check) for $112.50, to reimburse me for your portion of the filing fees.
Any word on the credit card thing? The $xx/month is just a few dollars shy of the minimum payment, now.
The electronic bill payments that were scheduled are pulling from checking 01 (yours). Can you look at how to select which checking acct it pays from? I don't know how to do that. There are other bills scheduled to be paid, and I am afraid that they will come out of the wrong acct and the account will be overdrawn. [if possible I'd check this on your own and take this whole paragraph out, but if not I think it's almost fine - I would replace "we" with "the account" though].
Also, I would like the computer back. The one from school won't let me print, and I need to be able to do that. If you agree, please have it ready for me to pick up at the Saturday drop-off.
Regarding the kids: On the 18th-19th, I'll drop the kids off about 8:00 AM. Please go to the window so I know that you're ready for them. On Sunday, I'll come get them at 7:00 PM and will beep in the driveway when I'm ready for them.
Have a good week.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Streamline all the money talk. No, you do not get to ask him to contribute to a TV anymore than he gets to ask you to contribute to his dinner out with OW.
No, you do not get to tell him how to manage payments/accounts. Do it yourself or let him do it. But, get his business out of your business ASAP.
The money stuff is A MESS. Clean it up immediately. You have your budget, he has his budget. You pay your bills, he pays your bills. You have different bank accounts.
This financial stuff is a HUGE priority. Neither of you needs the added emotion and dissent of having mixed finances. He is giving you support of X dollars a month. The only money talk should be whether or not he has made that transfer. Change names on accounts as needed to make it so, this week.
If he had taken care of the credit card thing, he would have told you. Either take care of it yourself OR if it is none of your business, ignore it. If it is a matter of transferring debt to his name that he agreed to on the separation agreement, notify him in a businesslike way that it is time for him to satisfy that obligation. If he does not, have a L send a letter.
Re the computer, just tell him you need it back, do not bargain with him on it.
Thanks, Nikki. I would be interested in reading that.
I'm not sure if this is (one of) my problems, but I will think on it. Looking back, I don't see this pattern on other parts of my life before the bomb. I am reacting / acting in ways that I have never done before. This current desperate, impulsive, emotional wreck has never been me. I was actually happy with most of my life, if overextended and a bit stressed about my lack of time-management skills. I love my career. I have two great kids who bring me a lot of joy and pride. I was so looking forward to finishing grad school--I would have become a professional student if I could have gotten paid to do it. I have family and friends who love me. And I was happy and secure in my marriage. Was it perfect? No, of course not.
But the difference in mine and H's perceptions were huge. I saw flaws, but they were outweighed by all of the positives. OK, he didn't dance, write poetry or read novels for fun. I would have liked to talk about important matters much more (even he is seeing how this was a huge contributor to our current sitch).
Anyway, I think that is why I am such a mess. My current mindset is so different from my true self. The compulsion and lack of self-control is really pissing me off!
My days looking forward are going to be much more full, which I think will help so much. A week in FL, a full day of parenting class, visit with a local friend, 2 days in NJ with friends, one last weekend and then back to work/school. I have to get back to my life, back to me, and stop obsessing.
"When all you have to keep is strong And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along Like I know you do Just to make it through. When everything is wrong We move along, move along."
Good point on the credit card thing OT. (well and on the rest of it! But I hadn't thought of that on the card)
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
