Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back

the first time I asked him to leave, I didn't really ask, actually, I threw his stuff into garbage bags and hauled it out to the porch. it must have been quite a scene, actually, looking back at it...I was huffing and puffing up and down the stairs and he has a LOT of clothes...I swear I lost 5lbs in the process. I was ANGRY because I found out he was still seeing her/making plans with her, etc. He ended up coming back because our 5 year old was really taking it hard...I'm talking begging/pleading/hysterically crying every time H came over. horrible, horrible, horrible memories.

the 2nd time, it was because he chose to do something I asked him not to. he swore it was an outing with clients, just happened to be on her birthday (gee, he really thinks a lot of me, doesn't he?). he chose to go, I told him to pick his stuff up. he was gone for one night, hadn't picked the stuff up yet, and came back promising me the moon on a silver platter, so I opened up and let him back.

the 3rd (and final) time that I had him leave, it wasn't in anger at all, it was because my whole focus seemed to shift back to him. I was making some good progress in my own therapy, etc, and I started losing that completely. One of my best friends is a therapist and she layed it out for me...pretty much told me that based on her experience and on what was going on in my situation, we'd be divorced within the year if I didn't have him leave, at least for a time. my therapist agreed (although didn't put it quite so openly/bluntly, my friend can say things that my therapist won't). so I talked to him, asked him for 2 weeks, so I could try to move myself forward a bit and such. He agreed, he was a wee bit crabby, but wasn't bad, he seemed to respect what I was saying, but at the same time threatened me with the fact that if he left, he would go back to her.

that, for me, said it all. because if it was so easy to go back to her just by leaving for 2 weeks, then he would go back to her no matter what. the first time it got hard again, he'd be gone. and no thanks. he went to therapy the next day, and his therapist suggested 6 months was a better timeline. that hurt, because it seemed more like a real separation than this little trial/just regaining focus thing that I originally wanted.

I think I was right to have him leave. I do. I'm sure he blames his restarting his affair on me (he blames the affair on me as it is, so that's not much of a stretch). who knows. he is still swearing that he isn't seeing her, but I know he is. nothing I can do but to continue to work on me.

as to how I got him to leave, well, I've pretty much told you. I did talk to a couple of lawyers early on, and one gave me ideas on how to get him out if he wouldn't leave. thinking on it now, prior to the first kick-out, he did pull the, "its my house too" bit. but lawyer suggested I bring her into it if needed. I actually had something hanging over him that I could have used, as well, should he refuse to go (he works with ow, would not have been good if I had called his boss...he was terrified I would. funny, because it never crossed my mind).

keep in mind, all of this was prior to me finding DB. I just found that a month ago. Not sure if it would have helped to find it earlier, I really doubt it. I just don't have a lot of hope for us. what I'm trying to concentrate on is having hope for ME...that I will be okay, regardless.

good luck, I'm pulling for you. I don't know what your situation will be since he is the sahd, and you are the breadwinner. he'll still need to take care of the kids daily, right? that might make it harder. I'll tell you, my sister had an affair 5 years ago. it shocked us all, obviously mostly my bil. he was a sahd at the time, and she realized pretty quickly that she would lose her kids...not completely, but she wouldn't get primary custody. now, she was the one who had the affair, so that was different than your situation, but still, definitely think about it. if you haven't called a lawyer, call one...they will almost always do a free consult in their office or on the phone. find out what the rules are in your state.

in case you are wondering, my sister and her h were able to come back from her affair...she was highly motivated, at first because of the kids, but later because of her H. they will both tell you they have a better marriage today than they ever did prior. I think part of my problem is that when I found out about H's affair, I used them as a model, assuming their steps would be mine, the result would be the same, etc.

well, its late at night and I'm still awake...have a feeling its going to be one of those nights. its been a while, just restless. my 94 year old grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks ago, and tomorrow (thursday) they are operating...there was not choice, even at her age. I guess the cancer is just so bad. I can't even imagine the recovery for her, if she survives the surgery. she's on my mind...any spare thoughts/prayers are greatly appreciated.

wonder if H will even ask about her tomorrow? guessing not likely. I swear he is in a fog, sees only himself.

well, goodnight all.

Hi morgan, so sorry about your grandmother. My step father (of 20 yrs) is in the middle of treatment for cancer, and H hasn't asked once about him. Fog, fog, fog.

You have been SO strong morgan, I only hope to gain your strength!! I can't believe you have been through so much (thank you for retyping it, I should have just looked at your threads, DER). Amazing how together you sound, but maybe clarity was needed for you to re-focus, huh? I am so so SO sorry about your kids (sigh, the innocent faces, I can only picture them, but I know, boy do I know) and the memories you have in your mind now.

I think you should still use that model that your sister had. I think you and I have the same problem though, H's who don't show any interest/remorse/concern, etc.

SIGH!! At least we have found this place. Hope you get some sleep tonight. You deserve it.

PS: Finally someone understands my feeling of betrayal from the OW, someone I knew through a bond of other mothers, women, making friends through our children. And she does this??

Morgan and lwb, I am very sorry for the added stress at an already stressful time. Do your elder relatives know whart is going on in your lives?

Morgan, I have also heard from friends that their marriages were stronger after reconciliation, post affair etc. It may be a generational thing though because women really did not have choices like we do nowadays.

lwb, I must sound so much stronger online than I do irl. seriously. I should link you to the blog I started when I first found out...I have yet to go back and re-read it, but wow, it must really reflect the ravings of a broken hearted mess.

maybe I seem stronger now because of time, and its all just part of the roller coaster for me...you can see it all over the place, the fears, the self-doubt, the feeling like a troll...but then there is also the acknowledgment that I don't deserve this, the determination to move myself forward, the mama bear doing what's right for the kids.

thankfully I did end up sleeping some last night...not enough, but some. enough to give me energy to go to the gym (I really need that in my life) and be here for the kids when they get back (h took them overnight since he won't have them for this weekend).

take care of yourself. a pox upon both our ows! seriously, mine is a mom, too, and is divorced herself. I just don't understand how you do that to someone. trust me, I don't hold her more responisible than H, but she does share some of the fault as far as I'm concerned. and don't worry about me re-typing, I probably didn't type all this in the first place. I'm guessing I was supposed to do that somewhere, think I might have done a partial job in infidelity. right or wrong, I kind of just dove right in when I found this place.

I'm so sorry about your stepfather. good luck to him.

Mkultra, welcome back! thanks for the good thoughts on my grandmother. know, she doesn't know what is going on in my life, she doesn't need to at this point, imho. why worry her? my parents know, my sisters and their husbands know, but as far as I know, no other family does (no-one lives around here since I'm not from here).

and once again, I can do no right. H just dropped the kids off and I asked if he could help me move a dresser. he got all bent out of shape about it. not the physical part, but the fact that I was moving it at all.

H and I have never had a real bedroom set...there was always something else to spend money on, and honestly I was having a hard time deciding just what I want. we have 2 dressers that were his when he was a kid and have used those...I have one of them, and most of the other (hey, he's a nice guy in some respects). since he's been gone, in fact, when he was still here but on the couch, he hasn't had any clothes in our room...not the closet or the dressers.

our plan that we had discussed for a while was to move this dresser eventually into the boys room. they have a small one right now, and its inadequate at best. I decided to go ahead and move it. If H and I reconcile, well, then its my impetus to finally get something for us...it would be nice to spend the divorce money on new bedroom furniture instead. if we do divorce, well, I'm sick of having his old bedroom furniture, will treat myself to something of my own anyway.

he was really irritated that I was doing this, and par for the course lately, apparently forgot we had always planned to do it. In fact, when I (nicely) mentioned that, he said sarcastically, "oh just another thing apparently I don't remember that you said." very obviously meaning I am full of crap.

ugh. can do no right.

but I let it go. I did. I didn't get sucked into an argument, I didn't even respond, just moved it with him. which I didn't do right because the thing is so heavy, even empty, that I had to set it down halfway for a minute.

ass.

okay, he's gone and I won't see him for almost a week. woo-hooo!