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Larry,

Given the "givens", you should be proud and happy about how you pulled it all off. Not spewing, strangling or screaming, are in and of themselves, serious accomplishments in my book. Let alone maintaining an upbeat outlook. There are silver linings in all this and if I ever make a movie about MLCers, WAS's, I want to put in some of their wackiest statements and reactions. Like I told you, the other day a woman I know who left her h and kids for OM, said she'd mind if her h were to date or bring women to their home. I told her that was a "bit hypocritical" and she actually had to process that for a minute before reluctantly saying, "I can see that..."


WTH???!!! Her h was far from perfect and like I said, there was some violence at both ends so in THAT case, getting away from each other probably was best for the kids. But still, the whole cluelessness on the WAS's part is stunning. Only exceeded by the selfishness at times.

There was no OW in my sitch, as far as I know. As I write this, let me tell you that I am terrified at moments. I am taking a HUGE risk from a divorce standpoint b/c if we were to divorce here and now in this state, I'd get full physical custody (joint legally, but he'd be 3000 miles away so from a practical standpoint, I'd have her full time except some holidays) and alimony (btw, I don't like the word "alimony" in my sitch, but would call it restitution b/c I put him thru Veterinary school--yes he has 2 medical degrees-med school and the whole shebang...). Now, where I'm going my biggest fear is that if he goes bonkers again, we'll get joint custody and that would mean I'd have to stay up there until d10 turns 18 and that could really kill me. Literally. I had a really hard time in the winter there. Plus, the financial arrangements would suck for me comparatively. I took 7 years out of my career to stay at home, and since h was rarely home I cannot see how I could have done things differently--so my income is simply lower than it would have been otherwise. No regrets as a mother though, fwiw. So, I'm crossing my fingers. Hoping all works out well and working BIG time on a PMA like you have.

Sorry to hijack. Too busy and computer illiterate to figure out how to start a new thread for myself updating. But will soon. Hang in there Larry. It has been 25 months apart now for us, (with visits along the way though) and I'm joining him Thursday, the day after our 26th anniversary...I would Not have predicted this back then.

Time will tell, for all of us. Keep on keeping on, GAL and staying with the PMA. How can it hurt you? It can't, and it is doing so much for your kids that you will never know.
j-

Larry...

I havent posted on your thread before, ( i dont think so at least)
but I have to thank you. You gave me a much needed laugh with this statement you made.....

"At first, I hated the OM. Now, I'm starting to feel sorry for him. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into."


I so needed to laugh right now. Thank You!!

G

J - Thanks so much for the encouragement! I really need it now, because all four of us just got back from the grandmother's funeral today. The W was ok but distant and made sure the first thing she said to the kids as we drove off this morning was: "We're going together today because it's Nana's funeral. But I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Daddy and I are not getting back together." Charming. Still, I got through the funeral with her family and kept my cool. I was not needy or angry and I kept a PMA throughout. Also, two of her uncles and her brother talked to me privately and expressed their sympathy and support. Good guys.

This, of course, is right after W's romantic weekend with OM. I figure the intensity of the A will peak this month, but who knows after that. Still need to focus on GAL.

While W was getting it on with OM, I took the kids for a weekend in San Diego and Seaworld. We had a great time together. I'm getting to know them even better as people and I really like being with them. They love me a lot also. My 8-year old D, who loves horses, kept head-nudging me like ponies do and giving me love bites. My S just likes to hang out with me.

At her request, I agreed to let W take the kids to her parents next Saturday (because she was feeling left out) in place of me, but my son protested that he wanted "dad to take us". She then reluctantly agreed and will instead take Friday off to be with the kids. She's also taking them to California Adventure Wednesday, no doubt to meet up with OM again.

I guess she's trying to compete with me. With her strong maternal drive, motherhood is her Achille's heel.

Anyway, tomorrow is our second meeting with the divorce mediator. After that, I go semi-dark. No e-mails other than those to arrange schedules and take care of kids stuff. Whether this is a last-resort technique or not, I need to do it to keep my PMA and mitigate the pain.

I made some other notes to myself in my journal. Any feedback is welcome:

- Grab the initiative, e.g. in making schedules every weekend and initiating plans with the kids.
- Be assertive. Be cooperative, but don't take any sh**. Always establish limits calmly though, and without anger.
- Regard W as a single person with a separate life whom I cooperate with as a co-parent.
- Do the minimum to maintain the house unless it's for the kids or if she makes a specific request.
- Don't tell her who your friends are or what you're doing with your time.
- Let go of all expectations. Expect no kindness or positive feedback. Remember, her Taker side is in charge of her.

Thanks for listening.

L

G - Thanks for the appreciation. We really do need to laugh as much as possible while going through all this.

J - Wanted to further reply to your situation separately from my long-winded post above. I knew there had to be an OW or an MLC. Sounds like the latter. (my W has an OM and an MLC at the same time). Maybe it is a risk for you re divorce, but after 25 months, I think you are right to take a chance. My only reservation is that it sounds like your H needs a lot of attitude adjustment through MC or whatever before you move back together. You know best though.

L.

Larry - your plan sounds really good, and you sound remarkably strong given what's going on. That's great!

Thanks Nikki. I'm pretty low right now, but I'll come out of it.

Hi Larry,

Just checking in on your sitch. Trying to catch up.

The plans you outlined in your journal sound good. I hope you can implement them with the least amount of resistance.

It looks like your R with your kids is getting stronger. Keep up with the GAL plans and keep working on yourself and your R with the kids.

Good luck.

ps

The family and I are at Huntington Beach almost every Sunday (4pm til 9pm) for the fire pits. Hot dogs and smores, mmmmmm..... At least for a few hours it takes your mind off of the sitch. You're welcome to join if you've got the time.

Bakit - Thanks for the support. I might take you up on the HB thing once I stabilize a little.

Nikki - Well I got through the grandmother's funeral yesterday and our second meeting with the divorce mediator today and stayed strong. In addition, since I was able to endure W's romantic weekend with OM, I think I'm over the hump for now (pardon the expression).

L.