Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Need advice on WAW with OM

This is also a good one taken from Nomo's thread;

Originally Posted By: EAA
Dlt1,

I appreciate your responses to my thread, so I wanted to give back a little!

I am by no means, an expert...But I've had a chance to make some realizations, through trial and error, and I would like to share my thoughts, for what they're worth.

1. STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR M. Seriously. Think of the M as a piece of paper. Nothing more than a legal document. Instead, remember all of the things that made you and your W sign that legal document. Before anything else, you were a good friend to her, right? Are you being a good friend now? Truly? If say, a male friend of yours was dealing with the death of a close family member, would you feel the need to pressure this friend? Or would you gladly and genuinely respect their space and offer a handshake? I'm assuming the handshake would be enough, even if this was a friend you REALLY cared about. Do that. Be a true friend and realize, for yourself, that the friendship that the M was based on may be more important than the legal document. Looking at it this way can make it easier to back off AND to help yourself. Friends shoudn't be pushy. Friends accept.

Next, remember that it was based on love. Love, love, love. Don't love like a H, love like a family member. Don't express it in words, but in actions. I have absolutely no doubt that your WAW loves you in this way, so be happy with it. Understand that her objective isn't to cause you pain, and be happy with that. Pain is just an unfortunate side effect.

2. FORGIVE! Do it for yourself. Forgive everything that has hurt you and forgive completely. I forgive my WAW every morning when I wake up alone. It works! You will feel better. You can't change what has happened, so don't think about it. If you count the days, the pain will mount up. Just let go of the past and deal with TODAY. Today may hurt too, but don't hurt for yesterday and tomorrow hasn't been written yet. Today is the only thing you have any real control over. Don't forget your ultimate goal, but don't focus on it. Instead, focus on a goal for each day, but remember where you're going. Does that make sense? Focus on happiness today. You can find some, if you look. Focus on that. Be thankful for any happiness and forgive any pain.

3. REMEMBER THAT SHE CANNOT HURT YOU. She already did, and that part is over. She has already told you the most devastating thing she can say, and you're still alive. Any more pain you feel is pain that you allow or even create in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you can always avoid the current pain. Not at all. There will be times when it's too much. But you can realize that it's YOUR pain and your responsibility. Any smile you crack during a day is better than the way you felt when she asked for a D. Don't let you hurt yourself. Only you have control of this.

4. DON'T BLAME HER. Understand that she did not plan this, and it hurts her too. Most likely, she's not trying to punish you by not returning texts or messages. She's just dealing with the pain in the best way she knows how. That's exactly the same thing you're doing. You've just found a better way. Take pride in that. And that's another reason to keep DB'ing! You know that what you're doing is best, so stand by it. She's standing by her way, right? Let her do it. In time, she may discover that your way is better.

5. DON'T CALL, TEXT, ETC. If you must, there had better be a good reason. If you MUST call occasionally, have a good reason. Even if it's a fake reason, make it seem real. Keep it very short and start out as all business. If you have time, make a quick joke or tell a VERY short funny story. If she laughs, be happy. If not, then let her be unhappy and distant. Her reaction shouldn't affect you negatively at all. Regardless of the reaction, get off the phone! Be happy with the moment you had and don't be greedy. Hang up first. It may feel like you're giving up on something that's going well. You're not. You're knowing when to stop it from getting worse. If you hang up while everything seems good, you both win! Both of you will have each had a pleasant experience for the day, and that will be what she remembers of you for the day.

6. LET HER FEEL PAIN. This one has been extraordinarily hard for me. I hate to see W in any kind of pain. My natural instinct is to comfort her and tell her that everything will be okay. But if you do that, you're showing her that she is in charge and you have no control. You're showing her that she has nothing to lose, because you'll always be there. Let her hurt. Let her heart crave happiness. If, like me, you simply can't stand it, change the subject to something lighter. Smile and be happy. She will have to deal with the pain on her own. Remember, the ball is in her court. Don't make it an easy decision for her.

7. BE HAPPY. I know you've read that a thousand times now, but it's true. If you fake it for awhile and make an effort, it will become real for you. You CAN be happy, but you may have to work at it. Find happiness in everything and focus on that. You are the only person that can control your emotions. No one else. So you might as well be happy. Being miserable isn't going to get you anywhere. It won't solve anything. Happiness will, at the very least, make you feel better...And at the most, make you someone your W would like to be with. In either scenario, you end up better than if you remained miserable.

8. CONTINUE WITHOUT CHANGE. Even if you feel that you're getting somewhere, don't change your attitude. If the situation seems to be improving, resist the urge to change your behavior. Keep doing exactly the same thing. It's obviously working, right? Then don't stray from it. I expect that she will be crytal clear when she's ready for the two of you to make a change together. Until then, stick with what you know works...Otherwise, you risk undoing all the good you've done.

You can do this! No matter what, remember that. YOU can.

Best of luck,

EAA

Thanks Sunny!

The castle analogy and the "AS IF" article were very helpful. After the hurtful things my wife has said to me lately I was resigned to believing there was absolutely no hope of any reconciliation, but now I have some hope that I might be able to actually turn things around someday if I do the right things.

I've noticed that many of the situations on this thread involve couples that are still living together while separated or have situations where they still have see each other like younger kids.

My situation is a little different in that we live separately and have no reason to see each other. Up until now I haven't done the right things when I have had the chance to see my wife (i.e. begging, pleading, showing extreme sadness). This has lead to her not wanting to see me at all. No that she doesn't want to see me how will she see any changes I do implement in my behavior? I'm afraid that the lasting image she has of me, while we have our 1 month of no contact, is not a good one.

Hi Svejk,

There are many sitch's like yours on here where you don't have to see each other b/c of kids, etc.

That's why it's so important to contain your panic & manage your emotions when you do talk or see ea other.

I can only say that this is sometimes painful difficult & takes a lot of practice & will power.

The cost of not using DB skills is huge though.

Post on this board & create some support for you to use when the going gets tough, b/c it will go up & down. Don't worry that you won't have just the right thing to say, it's how we all learn.

You will notice a difference when you pull back, is my guess. Even if you don't see ea other, by not returning phone calls right away, maybe even for a few days, & then calling back w/ a big PMA will show some change. She'll notice the difference.

Hang in there, it does get easier ((((Svejk))))

Sunny

Also, read Jen_jam's top 10...that is what I read when I really want to call the H...then I count to 10 and do something else to distract myself...or I call one of my friends instead and tell them what's going on!! If you can't find the top 10 let me know..and I'll post it on your thread! we're all here to help!! good luck! Christa

I am thinking about taking a weekend trip and asking my wife if she can watch the dogs while I'm gone. Since she thinks that all I do is sit at home moping about our relationship I was hoping this would give her something to think about. Is this a good idea or not?

Svejk

svejk,

Sounds like a good idea to me, not just to show you're wife that you're not 'moping' but because it'll be fun. Mostly because it'll be fun.

BD

IMHO it's a good idea. Keep it mysterious. It might be a chance for her to see a change in you.

Sunny

PS)You may want to wait a little to get others imput. Looks good to me though.

Yes

There was an interesting development last night that I am confused about. My wife and I have not spoken or seen each other for about a week since we agreed she needed some time and space to work things out on her own.

I came home around 9 last night after dinner with some friends and my wife was waiting in my house. She was visibly upset and crying. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong other than she had a bad weekend. She asked if she could stay at my house and just have me hold her. Of course I couldn't say no. I'm not sure if I should have let her stay because sometimes I feel like she just uses me when she needs something or is having a difficult time emotionally.

I have a hard time resisting relationship talk when I see her but I managed to keep it to a minimum and we went to bed after some small talk. For a change she was very nice to me and it was nice holding her and the best night's sleep I've had in a long time.

When she woke up in the morning she completely reversed her mood and was very grumpy and actually was yelling at me for no apparent reason. Instead of just letting her leave I made the mistake of following her and trying to find out what was wrong with her. Of course she wouldn't say anything except "leave me alone".

I realize I should have just let her go without asking any questions. Does anyone have any idea what any of this means? Is this type of behavior normal in a WAW that is unsure of what she wants? Is it a good thing that she wanted me to comfort her?

When you've had some closeness, the WAS will need to establish a safe distance again. Read the "picnic/castle" analogy, it explains it perfectly, along with what your reaction should be.



Yes! Your reaction will determine a lot, however, in how safe she feels to come to you, ie. no pressuring, R talks, questions.

Keep on reading & learning until it becomes ingrained. It's tough to not react when they distance, that's for sure.

Sunny