The beauty spot here is that if you really open yourself up (somebody stop me; that was an accident too) to masturbation (as an adjunct to, not a replacement for) your "real" sexual relationship ... you just might be able to have it both ways, at least to an extent you can live with.
Of course, if you and your LD spouse were really differentiated or French, you could just have Wolf #1 on Wednesday and Wolf #2 on Saturday. Assuming that Wolf #2 was pretty differentiated too.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Fran, how would it be if at 2 in the morning, you woke him and asked him to hold you while you mb? That can be very cozy, especially when your H is half awake, half asleep.
NOT a substitute for the wolf/pirate, I freely acknowledge.
Nothing, I have absolutely nothing against it. It just doesn't work for me. I would love it if I did, and I completely get what you are saying about using it as an adjunct so keep my drive in check while I wait for H to turn into the wolf.
I get horny, I start and that's it I stop feeling horny. No idea why. Fantasies work quite well to get me horny but just don't seem "real" enough once I get started. I just get bored and stop. The whole reason I woke H up at 2am was because I had (even though past experience had told me otherwise) decided I might as well MB. After five minutes I knew nothing was going to happen that way, and he kind of turned over a bit in his sleep and his breathing changed to a more awake kind of breathing so I jumped him.
FWIW H claims he feels the same way, and so did xBF. Also neither of my kids ever really played with themselves as toddlers, which all the books tell you is what they will do. So I can't help feeling that there are just some of us that ain't wired that way. It's like trying to tickle yourself you just can't do it.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Of course, if you and your LD spouse were really differentiated or French, you could just have Wolf #1 on Wednesday and Wolf #2 on Saturday. Assuming that Wolf #2 was pretty differentiated too.
Like I said:
Quote:
And if this is the case should we perhaps become more open to the idea that the hungrier person satisfies their needs elsewhere? Ok - I'm just going to put my flame-proof suit and hard hat on now.
But it seems like nobody's gonna flame me so I'm off down the Snarchian bar, see you later
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I can't argue with your experience ... everyone is wired differently ... in which case that really kind of sucks, for both of you.
I will say, though .... if you haven't *tried* a variety of toys, you haven't fully explored this option.
A toy is no substitute for the whole package (sigh ....) ... but on the other hand, NO man can do some of the things a good rabbit style vibrator can.....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Fran, how would it be if at 2 in the morning, you woke him and asked him to hold you while you mb? That can be very cozy, especially when your H is half awake, half asleep.
Because, apart from what I've already said about MBing not really working for me, cosy was NOT what I was after at that point. If cosy would have done it, I would easily have been able to sleep. What I woke H up for was a proper f*ck and to give him his due that's what I got. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying as Kettricken has also said if you over-satisfy your partner you're just never going to get them into pirate/wolf mode.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I'm just saying as Kettricken has also said if you over-satisfy your partner you're just never going to get them into pirate/wolf mode.
That's not 100% true. You guys really need to buy the book that I recommended on my thread. It's like the secret handbook to male sexual physiology/psychology for HDW. What you are really doing if you wait around for your male partner to go into "wolf" mode is that you are waiting for his dopamine/testosterone levels to build up to the point that he will start chasing you because you want to be turned on by the chase. Of course, one obvious problem with just sitting around waiting for this to happen is that sometimes men will just get lazy or anxious and dump their chemicals on their own without bothering to chase a woman. The author of the book talks a lot about how men are short-circuiting their own sexuality by creating short loops that go right from porn to just the head of the penis and thereby leaving out most of their own brains, body and the world of real women.
Anyway, the most fascinating part I've read so far is he writes about the White Tigresses an ancient Chinese society of female sexual warriors (isn't that so cool that it's almost the same as lioness!!) Their philosophy was:
Quote:
To a Tigress, a man pushing his penis in and out of her vagina to orgasm is not sex. To her, sex means recreating (youthful) feelings of adventure, romance and playfulness... In simple terms, she changes her perception of sex and sees through the eyes of a young girl seeking adventure, not an adult woman working to satisfy her emotional sexual desires and urges. Briefly said, she seeks the excitement of sex.
I so wish this cult was still in existence. I would join it in a heartbeat. Anyway, he gives some examples of modern women acting in accordance with this philosophy within the context of their committed relationships. Basically what he's recommending is that instead of waiting for a man to get horny enough to chase you, you should create situations of sexual excitement that will naturally pump up his chemicals enough to start the chase. The two components most of these scenarios have in common are exhibitionism or revelation of fantasy and delay of gratification. The most tame example he gave was telling your guy about a sexual "dream" you had while sleeping as you're both getting ready for work. The most extreme example he gave was MBing in public in front of a guy. Some other examples would be pointing out the other women you would most likely be willing to have a threesome with when you're out at a restaurant or writing the script for an erotic movie together.
The thing that struck me when I was reading this section was that these kind of actions have always worked for me but it was never really clear to me what I was doing wrong when other behaviors that seemed similar to me didn't work. Now I realize that the "trick" is in the context. When a woman signals sexuality very strongly in a context that makes it difficult or impossible for sexual behavior to actually take place or in a manner that doesn't make it clear that she actually wishes for the action to move forward, it greatly reduces male performance anxiety while simultaneously raising arousal. Also, most of the examples the author offered don't actually quite cross over the line psychologically to make it seem as though the woman is the "chaser". The subtle difference between strongly signaling availability and actually being the aggressor is maintained. The woman who nonchalantly MBs in public is actually being more "feminine" than the woman who timidly approaches her husband dressed in a flannel nightie and says "Would you like to have sex with me?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
When a woman signals sexuality very strongly in a context that makes it difficult or impossible for sexual behavior to actually take place or in a manner that doesn't make it clear that she actually wishes for the action to move forward, it greatly reduces male performance anxiety while simultaneously raising arousal.
By Jove, I think you've got it. That's how the best encounters start.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
