Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Frustrated and Saddened #2

hey waw:

She has not made an appointment with an IC that I know about. I really wish that she would. I'd like to think that they can help her sort some things out. This whole situation has me reeling and I don't know how to get past it. On top of this, I have not been happy at work for quite some time. Thinking about making a change there. She was supportive of this, just wants to make sure there is a plan in place. I know what you are saying about her family. I have basically told her mother to stop the pressure. She does not even talk to anyone else in her family because she doesn't like what they say about her making a mistake, needing to get help etc.... I am not going to bring up the Godparents thing to her, and I hope that they don't either.

Nothing new to report except that she did sleep at home last night. Although she did not get home until 3 am. She went to gym after work.

I have been unsure how to handle situations where I can clearly tell that my W is down and in one of her moods (anxious and uncomfortable). What I have been doing is asking her if she wants to talk about it, she always says no, and then I say that I am always available to talk if she wants. I don't know of any other way to handle the situation.

Today, I asked my W what the plans were for this weekend (I suspect that she has already made plans that do not include me) and she said she was unsure and would have to check. I think a major contributing factor to our problems is the fact that we spent and spend so little time together. I don't think that prolonged periods of time apart is going to strengthen anything that we have. But, she says that she needs her space, so I am going to let her have it. I just think that her space is creating more distance between us. And I don't think anything is going to improve until she sees someone for her IC so that she can address some of her issues.

Also, we have a weekend trip to Baltimore planned for next weekend the 28th(the plans were made back in January before all this started). Not sure how to handle this situation. She has not said anything about it and I have only mentioned it in passing.

Stew, I know this is so hard, I still struggle alot too, but you have to try and just let things be.
The one thing I tell myself daily is that I can't control what he does, and he will do what he does, whatever that is, I have in my mind decisions made if he was to return to the old ways.
That all I can do right now, I just have to let things be.
And that is what you are going to have to do.
The hours she work are and issue, but again you can't do much about that, so whatever time you do spend together make it count, and don't push, which you do seem to be doing a great job with.
If and when she is ready she will talk to you.
I think I would bring the weekend up again, only because its been planned and see what she says.

You are doing a great job and you should be really proud of yourself!!

Well, after she gets off work tonight (midnight), she texts me that she is going out for a couple of drinks and will be home in a bit. Still no word from her as of right now. Fighting every urge to call her/text her to see if she is okay. Just really annoying to me. She tells me how tired she is and then does stuff like this. UGH

Stew you really have to let this go, you are going to drive yourself mad!
She is going to do what she wants, and you can't do anything about it! I know it hurts and its hard as hell, but you aren't doing yourself any good!
Get on with your own life, you have to! Why don't you try not being there when she is, you be late some nights and don't let her know. You have to do something because eventually this is going to catch up with you, and its going to impact all the great work that you have done so far!

Hey Stew.

I know you worry about your W when she is out. I see your post was at 3 AM. I hope you had enough strength not to text her. This would be totally annoying to a WAW. Hang in there. You are doing great.

Stew

It a tough sitch you are in. Its late here so I will give you some quick pointers. Now this stuff will be hard to do and seem counter intuitive but I hope you trust me on this.

You have no control over your W. As hard as it is try not to think about where she is or what she is doing.

Think about yourself and working on the changes you can make in your life to make it better for you. try not to let your sitch consume your every waking hour.

I know how hard this will be because it was for me. You should only worry about stuff you can control. Worrying about stuff outside your control is pointless.

Take care now

Dave

Thanks to all who responded. I know that I need to try and let her do her own thing. If she had said that she was not coming home last night and that she would be staying out, I would not have had the reaction that I did. She said that she would be home, so it made me worry because the areas that she goes to these bars are not safe areas. I worry about her safety. So, when she tells me she is going for a couple of drinks and would be "home in a bit" and then I don't hear from her until 4:10 am I tend to get a bit worried about her safety. She does not tend to have the best judgment when she is drinking.

When it got to be after 4:00 am (bars close at 4:00 am in NY) I did call her. I just was so worried. She did not answer me but texted me few minutes later saying that she was getting gas and would be home in a bit. She came in at 5:00 am. She did not mention that the call bothered her and I told her that I was just worried about her because she had said that she was really tired yesterday during the day and it is about a 30 minute commute for her, and she tells me all the time that she falls asleep while driving home.

Still no mention of any plans for this weekend. I suspect that she already has plans that don't include me. But nothing I can do about that. Just have to do something that makes me happy this weekend if she is not going to be around. I have a college buddy that lives in Boston but is going to Albany for a bachelor party this weekend. Maybe I will shoot up there if she is not going to be around.

Stewart,

I agree with the others, let her be. She is going to go do it anyway, but your choice is how do you want her to think about you when she does go out. One, he is trying to control me so I'll do what I want, or two, why doesn't he seem to notice or care?

I've been the first with my W and seems like it had gotten worse, now that I'm "As if" she doesn't rub it in the face as much and seems pretty confused about me and curious.

Keep it up! It's FRIDAY!! Do something for you. When is the last time you went to a batting cage, I think I'm going this weekend.

Stew,

I won't repeat everyone else's advice, it's spot on. Get out and do something for yourself. Regarding the quote above, this seems to me like pushing and reminded me of Michelle's thoughts on not saying ILY. The WAS knows how you feel. Saying ILY remeinds them that they don't feel that way about you. Similarly, asking her to talk everyday is probably viewed as pressure by her. Don't do it. She's got to know you're there for her if she wants to talk to you.

The art of detachment is letting her go without letting her go, if you know what I mean. Let her go. You're driving yourself nuts.

BD