Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? DONNA--finding herself #14

Donna,

There you go again believing the lies he tells you. He had sex with her because you wouldn't give him time and space? BS!! He had sex with her because he was alone with her, his penis was hard, and she was willing. You didn't figure into it at all. If anything you gave him too much time and too much space. He is just blaming you for his affair because you are an easy target and he can't take responsibility for his own actions.

Moreover, the A began before he ever let you know he was unhappy.

H is simply blaming and rationalizing. Accepting that from him is not unconditional love, it is enmeshment.

I'm not sure what difference it makes at this point.

When I asked if he would be as devestated by ending it with CW as I am now, he said no, he would move on.

Maybe the intensity of my feelings of love, that I WOULD forgive him even after all of this, is scaring him. He simply said he doesn't hold the same feelings for me, and now I wonder if he ever has...it might have been better to leave him with the picture of me angry, moving on...

Regardless, I will not be contacting him. It may very well be the hardest thing that I ever do in my life, but it is also the only chance left, if it is there at all.

All I can hope is to be able to adjust to it.


I just want my family back. I hate this; I never wanted this life.

Donna,

Focus on being a whole person, for yourself, for your kids. That is your current task. Other things in your personal life will take care of themselves.

Again, the reality is your good days.

The bad days are you slipping back into enmeshment because it is a way of life you learned as a child. Those hurts are older than your R with H. The way you cope with those hurts masks your true self.

The good days are those without the masks.

So, of course it matters what is going with respect to love versus enmeshment. You can keep the love without holding onto the codependency.

The good days are those of independence.

Do not confuse reality and the future with being stuck in codependency. Codependency skews and distorts reality, it does not reflect it.

You have you and your kids. You are a family.

Printing this out to bring with me to C tomorrow. Maybe she can help me understand a bit more.

Stopped at the library today and picked up some books about D and kids, also found something on obsessive love I want to read.

Bumped into a co-worker from school at the grocery store. She was happy to see me recovered from my surgery in March, and we got to chat a bit about the coming year.

But my heart is not into anything right now. Going through the motions, trying so hard to accept the reality.

H called while we were coming out of the doctor's office to check on S (who is ok). I told him we were on the way home, and he could call there.

He didn't call until hours later, while I had a friend over for a visit. He said he thought maybe he misunderstood me...did I want him to call? I said if you'd like to speak with S; and he said he always wants to talk to them. I told him about the appt and I handed off the phone.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, but any contact I have with him right now tears my heart out. I need to get caller ID.
Day One of space, and I feel like sh!t.

Looking at Dr. Harley's site about being the best friend while the affair dies...but it still going, so I'm just as happy to stay out of it all, now. He doesn't hear a damn thing I say, anyway.

The kids are having dinner with him tomorrow night (I drop off and pick up, planning on staying in the car), then we have the state-mandated parenting course Wed and Thurs night--thank God we are going away the next day. I'm hoping that the change of scenery will help me snap my head back on after all that face time.

Should I tell him that the friend thing is not going to ever happen while he is still seeing her? Or just show it?

Answer my own question: Just show it. Polite acquaintences.

He hears... he just doesn't react the way you want him to, take the actions you want him to. It sucks, and I'm sorry. This was a hard one for me to learn too, and I still struggle with it.



I am pretty sure you answered this for yourself already but NO.

I hate to say this because I know it's gonna hurt but... he isn't sitting there hoping for your friendship right now. He knows you need to be civil for the kids, but I doubt he wants much more right now. Think of OT's water cooler post.

Do what you need to do, for you, and your kids. That's all. How to act if/when he stops the A, how to act 6 months from now.. none of it matters today, so work on letting it go.

I know this will sound backwards, but if you can, try NOT reading any D-related self help books for awhile (well, except maybe helping the kids, but none of the others). Just take a break from it. Focus on the positives and on yourself for awhile.

(((Donna))))

I am sure that you are right. It is CW's night, anyway. Some things would be better off not knowing...He didn't even answer the phone when the kids called to say goodnight, so S left a message.

I have read so much, tried so many things for this M...even sent him things that he said he would read, wanted the info, and I know he never looked at them. Even his "C" sessions were all a farce.

I am going to go watch a movie with the kids, and then go to bed. Tomorrow is another day...

I find it odd that you're going to the same parenting session. In MI it is also mandated, but they purposely schedule the parents to different sessions. Hmmm...

Hey, a new voice :0)

We will probably be the only "couple" there...ex-couple?

Whatever...We didn't have to go together, but I thought it was ok (probably better), and he thought it would be ok, too.

It remains to be seen. It is run by Catholic Charities, so hopefully they beat up on him a little. He has an earful of the CW, though, so it may not make a dent. I asked him if he had looked into any of the effect of D on kids yet, or them discovering the A, and he said that he thought that was what the class was for. No...it is about how to effectively co-parent. And I am not giving (read: spoon-feeding) you research any more. These are important topics, and I would hope that you would want to know what you can about them. But you've never read anything else that I have given to you in the past, which implies that you don't want to know about any other perspective than your own. You know how to use the computer and library (all said with a smile on my face).

Left it at that. Zero expectations about him looking up anything.