Please listen to the advice here. If you give in...just further proves to her that she 1000% control. She isn't even making love to you, hd, ever...and she wants to control every OTHER thing in the relationship as well...geez...
Hey, if you have time while you are in Tucson, hop on over to Kitt Peak Observatory for a few hours. Its well worth the hour or so drive up there.
How long do you have to decide on the trip? Plane ticket prices should be pretty steady for a few more weeks. The main trouble would be the concert tickets selling out. It may be possible to put off buying the tickets for a bit, try NOPs idea, and then go from there.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Some answers: Mrs.Nop: she stopped drinking wine when she started her diet, which was on Sunday of this week. She was having 2-3 glasses each night up until then. Part of the way she justifies spending money on the food is that she won't be spending it on wine. My thinking: she has been on diets before and on stop-drinking-wine "binges." Neither lasts for too long. She was on Weight Watchers for several months in 2005, but eventually stopped that. She's given up wine/beer for, at most, a couple months at a time.
Fearless: Who makes the most money in your household? It's close, especially when you consider that a chunk is going to my ex for child support, but she probably grosses a bit less than me. Who works the most hours? Another close one, but probably she does. I work a 40 hour week, and hers vary, but are probably closer to 45. What percentage of the time do your kids from your first marriage spend with you? About 45 percent (from Wednesday evening at 7pm until, alternately, Saturday at 10 am or Sunday at 9am). What things does your wife do daily or weekly for relaxation and enjoyment? Reads, watches tv, up until last weekend she'd drink wine, surfs the internet, plays with her new puppy (bought with 'her' money she earned by working 'extra hours'). She plays with our DD6. What do you do daily or weekly? Watch tv, read, and that seems like it. I have been spending a lot of my "spare" time lately stripping wallpaper and preparing walls for painting in our kitchen, which we are re-doing. I spend a lot of time doing yardwork or other household projects, but I wouldn't say I do that for relaxation, or that it's particularly enjoyable. I play with our DD6. I spend time with my older kids.
And just for the record, our finances are in pretty good shape. We just hired a weekly cleaning lady (her Father's Day present to me). We're re-doing our kitchen. We have money in our budget for the ~$2,000 tree service which is coming out next week to rid our lawn of dead Elm trees and other tree-related problems. We just made the last payment on our minivan. We contribute to college funds, but we're 'okay' so far on the amounts that are going into them.
Seriously, when she was discussing with me the possibility of the cleaning service last month, she seemed very positive about out finances. This is more of a, "OUR money situation is fine, but you should be spending any extra money YOU have on YOUR kids, and maybe on YOUR wife. Not on YOURself."
Instead, take 20 bucks and a sleeping bag and go camping for the weekend. If you can't get a bud to go with you on short notice, go by yourself. Take a book or four.
Excellent idea Nops!! Hdog, you live in Ohio right? I don't know where you are but Zaleski State park down in the Hocking Hills area is great place for overnight hiking/backpacking. There is a 10 mile loop with 2 camp sites each with water and an outhouse plus an additional trail that can add over 10 miles onto it. My XH used to do solo overnights there and we did a few together there too. I also have done plenty of dayhikes there.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
The root of the problem is two fold, as I see it. First you let her control the budget. You have mentioned before that you are ADD and let the finances get out of control, but that isn’t really an excuse. You can manage the expenses if you want to, though it does take some effort. Take control of your finances, do it responsibly, and she won’t have room to question how you spend your money. You do need to show self discipline and an improving financial position. You can do this.
The other aspect is that your wife is a control freak, for her own FOO reasons, whether good, bad or otherwise. You also know her need to control is a reaction to control her feelings of panic. She needs to learn to reprogram these reactions, and how to do that is the real question. Confronting her is part of the approach, but soothing her is also critical. I think Fearless made a good summary of what your wife might be feeling.
She let slip out that you should buy her something, and that is probably the truth about what she feels even though she deflected that to focus on the kid’s needs. Underneath all that control is really a need for compassion. But once she gets it, she feels uncomfortable so she throws it back in your face. Maybe get her something small to make her feel wanted, to show her you are sharing a gift with her of the fruits of your labor. I think she might be feeling a little abandoned, so go on the trip but give her the validation she seems to need. But don’t cancel the trip. I agree with the others that doing so will set you backward. (BTW, what is that second job? Are you jobbing out as a gigolo on the weekends? LOL!!)
This is more of a, "OUR money situation is fine, but you should be spending any extra money YOU have on YOUR kids, and maybe on YOUR wife. Not on YOURself."
I subscribe to the airplane oxygen mask theory - where the parent puts THEIR oxygen mask on FIRST before helping their child. IF you were already feeling great about yourself then spending that "extra" money on yourself would seem a bit selfish. BUT what you were doing is part of a plan to get yourself in a better place which makes you a better parent which is merely getting the oxygen mask on yourself first.
Do the two of you have any mutual interests which you could start doing TOGETHER? I think that it would be EQUALLY important to develop a mutual interest as it is for you to focus on making your needs a priority. BALANCE is the goal, right???
Oh and I thought things had improved a bit with the ML issue. Is that true or not?
Also I do remember that back in March your wife was very considerate about your desire to watch your beloved Jayhawks get beat in the tourney. I thought she even gave you a kiss and said she was sorry they lost. That does not sound like a heartless, unreasonable b1tch to me.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
That's a good idea, Nop. I'll definitely consider it.
Lil, moretocome, chrom, yep yep yep. I'm a little concerned about the tickets selling out, but I bet my buddy could sell them at the venue if I ended up not going.
This is more about recovery from NGism than it is about seeing the band or even my friend. I actually expected that the short discussion this morning would be rather benign as she formulated her strategy to reassert her control. Sheesh...I make her out to be some sort of control freak, and oh...poor little victim me. Maybe she'll simmer down a bit if she has some time to think about this. Maybe not.
I do agree with CE that we need to look at the budget again and see if there is a way to restructure it so that my salary can be segregated and go toward college fund and other "my kids" expenses. Makes sense.
And yes, moretocome, the sex is basically non-existent. We ML in the middle of May, and since then, nada. Her shows of affection have pretty much dropped off, too, with the occasional nominal hug, caress, kiss, except for the usual goodbye and hello kiss. Something Martelo said to cemar last week or so about sexual aversion, and, over on the NG site about the sexual moratorium, and generally, "why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you" has been hitting me hard lately.
Despite my initial reaction to just drop the idea of the trip, I think that pushing forward on it will be good for me, and maybe, for my marriage.
... plays with her new puppy (bought with 'her' money she earned by working 'extra hours')....
And just for the record, our finances are in pretty good shape. We just hired a weekly cleaning lady (her Father's Day present to me). We're re-doing our kitchen. We have money in our budget for the ~$2,000 tree service which is coming out next week to rid our lawn of dead Elm trees and other tree-related problems. We just made the last payment on our minivan. We contribute to college funds, but we're 'okay' so far on the amounts that are going into them.
Seriously, when she was discussing with me the possibility of the cleaning service last month, she seemed very positive about out finances. This is more of a, "OUR money situation is fine, but you should be spending any extra money YOU have on YOUR kids, and maybe on YOUR wife. Not on YOURself."
Hairdog
Especially given the above .... by all means go.
In this financial context, $200 is chickenfeed.
If the concert is what you desire, do that ... IMHO ... don't try to make this some sort of higher-moral-ground relationship test (the camping or any other "free" excursion). The results might well be revealing, but then you're still dancing to her tune, aren't you ... instead of truly "getting a life" you want.
You earned it, you can afford it, it would bring you pleasure and damage no one. Laissez les bons temps rouler.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Some answers: Mrs.Nop: she stopped drinking wine when she started her diet, which was on Sunday of this week. She was having 2-3 glasses each night up until then. Part of the way she justifies spending money on the food is that she won't be spending it on wine. My thinking: she has been on diets before and on stop-drinking-wine "binges." Neither lasts for too long. She was on Weight Watchers for several months in 2005, but eventually stopped that. She's given up wine/beer for, at most, a couple months at a time.
Fearless: Who makes the most money in your household? It's close, especially when you consider that a chunk is going to my ex for child support, but she probably grosses a bit less than me. Who works the most hours? Another close one, but probably she does. I work a 40 hour week, and hers vary, but are probably closer to 45. What percentage of the time do your kids from your first marriage spend with you? About 45 percent (from Wednesday evening at 7pm until, alternately, Saturday at 10 am or Sunday at 9am). What things does your wife do daily or weekly for relaxation and enjoyment? Reads, watches tv, up until last weekend she'd drink wine, surfs the internet, plays with her new puppy (bought with 'her' money she earned by working 'extra hours'). She plays with our DD6. What do you do daily or weekly? Watch tv, read, and that seems like it. I have been spending a lot of my "spare" time lately stripping wallpaper and preparing walls for painting in our kitchen, which we are re-doing. I spend a lot of time doing yardwork or other household projects, but I wouldn't say I do that for relaxation, or that it's particularly enjoyable. I play with our DD6. I spend time with my older kids.
And just for the record, our finances are in pretty good shape. We just hired a weekly cleaning lady (her Father's Day present to me). We're re-doing our kitchen. We have money in our budget for the ~$2,000 tree service which is coming out next week to rid our lawn of dead Elm trees and other tree-related problems. We just made the last payment on our minivan. We contribute to college funds, but we're 'okay' so far on the amounts that are going into them.
Seriously, when she was discussing with me the possibility of the cleaning service last month, she seemed very positive about out finances. This is more of a, "OUR money situation is fine, but you should be spending any extra money YOU have on YOUR kids, and maybe on YOUR wife. Not on YOURself."
Hairdog
OK, a few more questions.
1. What kind of crack is she smoking?
She can spend 'her' money on a new puppy ($200 easily within the first few months, even if the puppy is "free"), but you have to spend every penny you get hold of over and above your existing obligations on anything but yourself?
She's essentially saying that your obligations are unlimited, that no matter how much you make, you owe it all to someone else. That won't fly. Any bankruptcy court in the civilized world would laugh at that idea and toss it out in a heartbeat, no matter how much money was owed or how little was paid.
And if y'all make about the same amount of money, either your finances are joint, in which case you both should have some "personal" funds in the budget, or they're not, in which case you split expenses and each keep what's left over after you've paid your share.
2. Whose idea was it to redo the kitchen? To cut down the trees? I have a strong feeling it wasn't yours. But you're spending a lot of hours on it. That ought to count for something. If she doesn't think so, you might as well stop doing it.
3. Are you current on your child support obligations? Is she paying any part of your child support? If she is, time to redo the budget. If not, tell her she's free to give your children monetary gifts when they're grown for whatever purpose she pleases, but you are not placed in her debt thereby.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
6) Since this is a completely optional trip (No friend or family member in need and no family event), I think couples SHOULD make these decisions together.
Really? Why?
In what way, "make the decision together"? By discussing and resolving any complications, ie financial or scheduling snafus that might exist ... or in the sense of having mutual veto power?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
