Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

I feel it's over this morning. How can this possibly work out. She isn't coming any closer to me. Why would she? She doesn't love me.

She made mistakes too. This marriage isn't dead just because of what I did wrong. She stopped trying a long time ago. Why do I even want to be married to her? She didn't give me what I needed. I was constantly putting my own happiness aside to try to give her what she wanted. You can't do that. If they aren't satisfied, they won't be.

If we could end it now. If I could keep my daughter here with me. If I could just move on with my life, maybe, after some time, find someone who I could love and who could love me.

My daughter. I still think it's best, even though it hurts so much, to let her go with my wife. She'll still be my daughter. She'll still love me, and I'll still love her. But I hate to let her go. I know my wife will be a good mother for her.

I'll ask for and demand lots of time with her. Maybe every summer, all summer. Whatever, we, and the lawyers, can work it out.

Some have faced much worse than me, much harder situations. Some of those have ended well, with the marriage better than before. But I don't see any hope right now, at least not much.

If she doesn't love me, let me go. (or I'll reach my limit and go).

I want my M, I want my W, I'm not ready to give up - yet. If she has made up her mind, I wish she would tell me.

The rationsal part of my brain keeps objecting to this line of thought. It says she hasn't asked for a divorce, she calls you and returns your calls, that there are many LITTLE signs, and that mainly, I need to give this time. But I don't want to listen to rationality now. I'm hurting. I'm allowed to cry sometimes. The pain and anxiety builds up, and it's got to be released sometimes.

Hi -
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your story really resonated with me. I can hear your heart - your love for your wife and kids. I've been dealing with a similiar situation for the past year (minus the kids and living in separate states). I wonder if the roller coaster will ever end! Sometimes it is difficult to remember what they hell you're fighting for. And more than that, it's difficult to keep fighting what feels like a losing battle. Hang in there! Rest and gather strength - a blessing is around the corner...

So It Goes...

Thanks ediemaria,
I read your first post. I'm sorry you're here. Maybe you'd agree with this statement; our Marriages could be so good if our spouses would just get past all that crap.

Good luck to you. I'll try to catch up on your sitch. If you've read all of my stuff, you'll know I had an A many years ago too. I quit mine rather than leave my W and kids. These means to me that I'm no 'better' than my spouse, or yours, and that I can understand a little bit of what the spouse who had the A is feeling.

Although my W is acting totally different than I would or did. Sounds to me your H is too. I would ask forgiveness (have) offer to do anything (have) and work hard to have a great M. My W is pulling away, not saying sorry, not asking forgiveness. Maybe our A's were motivated by different emotions. Maybe her A, and what she is doing now, is more of an MLC or about her than about the A. Maybe that's true of your H too.

Thanks again. Sometimes I feel lonely on these boards, It's nice to have someone drop in.

All I can say is that piecing sucks! I also wish, sometimes, that I can just move on and leave, but I'm still here with my H, trying, trying, trying.

I think it's natural to have this rollercoaster thing going, even in piecing. My emotions have been all over the place in the last couple of weeks.

Also remember asking my H to let me go, if he doesn't love me. He never could, and now he says he does love me. Go figure! I think there is still hope in your sitch. You also have to realize that just because you acted differently after your A, doesn't mean your W should. She is herself, and one cannot say what is going through her mind. I know it's hard, but maybe try and lower your expectations, and continue GAL, and finding a way to laugh every day. (Sometimes I think life is a huge cosmic joke!) It must also add extra stress on a M with such a huge distance. I am experiencing some of that now, meself. 'Eh!

I will say it again .... piecing sucks!

Take care.

Thanks BeingMe.
It does suck. And it is a roller coaster ride. I've been on a slight up turn today, but if I don't control my thoughts, I could get down fast.
Sometimes friends don't help,when they tell you you're being treated like sh*t, that she's leaving and using you, that she could still be seeing the OM. Best not to listen to those people I guess. It affects you though.

Thanks again, and good luck to you too.

journaling,
She is coming back today, this evening. She will be here about a week and then returning to AR with my daughter. Last night, I barely slept. I can't believe I'm letting my daughter go.

I keep going over it in my head. I think it's my fears that make me want to keep my daughter here. Thinking rationally, I think my W and I do have a small chance of success (I used to say better than 50%. Ha! We'll see). I think that my daughter going with my W is best for my daughter whether my W and I reconcile or divorce. Either way, I will demand liberal visitation, or to be primary care giver (whatever the legal terms are).

I believe that the better my W and I get along, the more we treat each other as friends and with respect, the better off the kids will be.

I desparately want to talk with my W - R talk of course. I will resist. But I can't let her talk my daughter without telling her how I feel. I don't know what I'll tell her. Some I should keep to myself. For instance, does she know I could file for divorce and it would keep her from taking the kids out of state? Does she know how I've restrained myself, and how much I'm trusting her with my daughter? Does she have a clue what this feels like to me, how much it hurts? If she does, that's a good sign the marriage is over. If she can hurt me this much and not care, or not care enough to fix it, then the M is over.

I don't agree when people say they deserve to be the most important person in the others life. I think it can be great if that happens, but your spouse doesn't have to make you the center of there life. I do think that in a M, the partners have to keep each other safe and not hurt each other. How can you love someone who has hurt you so badly?

That's all I have time to write right now. Aaaaargh.

Well, they left this morning. I helped them pack and sent them off. I still am in a little bit of shock. I can believe I've said goodbye to my wife, but I can't believe I let my daughter go with her. What am I, was I, thinking? Is this really the best way to handle this?

On the kind of positive side, my W said it will be OK as she left. Also, I took her on a date last night, and she initiated R talk. She said she wasn't "playing" with me (prompted by one of those pesky love songs that cam on the radio). She is worried that I will think she is stringing me along until she gets everything she wants and then she'll divorce me. I am worried about that, but not much.

She also gave me lots to think about - but I don't feel like writing, talking, just now.

bye.

Hey LIN - just stopping by to check in. I know it must be painful to have your D and W gone. The bright side is that your D is part of you, she belongs to you as much as she belongs to your W. Your W having your D will just provide that much more opportunity for positive interaction between the two of you. Even if you and your W divorce, you will ALWAYS be in one another's lives because of your children. Use this to your benefit and to the benefit of DBing. My H and I don't have children and he has even said that if we did he may not have done the things he did (wishful thinking, I know, and he's the one that doesn't want them). My point is she can't just disappear into thin air with your child. Your D won't let that happen - you will always be her Dad and she will want you in her life.

Hang in there!!
Edie

LoginName,

Have you and your wife looked into the Retrouvaille weekend. It works miracles for about 75% of the people who go there.

Sara - could you please swing by my sitch? I had a question about Retrouvaille vs counseling...thanks!

Login - sorry for jumping on your thread...