OT-- BFF called H because I scared the crap out of her. She is on my call list. She ended up telling H that she didn't think that I would live through this (and I often feel just that way, although I will stay on the planet because of the kids). She wants nothing else than to see us back together. She asked if I wanted her to call him last night, and I said ok...(note to self: hearing my message through someone else pisses him off as much as if I were to call him--will not do that again).
I had to pick up S from the apt. It is all the same stuff...I simply can't be around him at all anymore. I told him that I will be staying in the car from now on when picking up and dropping off.
He just said that he is not coming home anytime soon. When he gets home from work to the apt, he feels at peace, he can relax. He can't do that around me. And I know why. I tried to explain the compulsion--that I feel like I am dying inside, and that I am so afraid that I will loose the will to live without him. That I could wait forever, but can't face any finality. He will not promise me that he will be coming home in six months, even if I get completely off of his radar.
I told him that I wish I could do with him what I did with my sister--I knew that begging and pleading would not change the way that she felt, that I was sad but accepted that she had to go and her reasons (even if I didn't agree with them). She left.
Three years ago. And has never looked back. I am so afraid.
He said that he has a lot to look back to.
I asked if he would feel like this if he were to stop seeing CW. He said that if she decided to go back to her husband tomorrow, he would simply accept it and move on. The only people that he feels the way I do over are the kids. He said he just doesn't feel the same way about me as I him. I said that you did love me, once. He said if he loved me like this, how could we be where we are?
I told him that there is no other on this Earth who I would ever want--he is special above all others. I gave him my heart, and it was forever. Even after all of this. He said that after this, I could find better. No! Oh, OT, I wish you knew this man. You would understand why I hold on...
He said that if he were to come back now, we would only switch roles--I would be content, and he would not survive. I asked him if he felt like this when it was bad for him in the M. He admitted that it wasn't to this extent. I told him that I would do whatever he needed, give him whatever he needed. I just want a second chance; why can't he forgive me? He said that he has to figure this out, alone. He offered to talk to me, but not when the kids are around. I said that it is not all bad that they see me cry every now and then (it's not often)--that they know that this is important, there are feelings that are ok to feel, and that we are trying very hard. I can't make them think that this is all ok, normal. It's not.
He wants to be friends, be able to talk and not have this come up in every convo. I don't know if I can do that, at least right now.
He said that my C is not doing it for me--that I have to find someone or something to help me get through this. I told him that I have even been to a psychiatrist. There is no one who can help me more than what they are already doing. There is only one way for this to end for me. He said great, now I have to worry about you hurting yourself again? No, not while I have the kids, I said. They are honestly the only things keeping me here right now.
I have to develop the As If attitude for myself. I may be setting myself up for a much bigger fall, but I don't know how else to get through this. I will become scarce and mute for six months. If he does not show any signs by the new year...either I will have gotten used to life like this, or I will check out. I can't let go of him, but I can let go of me.
It seemed to me that what started this current spiral was BFF telling you about her interactions with CW and H in the first place. That is what I was talking about.
It makes me sad to read how devastating this is for you, although I have felt, and sometimes still feel, a lot of what you are describing.
What happened to angry Donna? I'm wondering if you should find her again.
You may not want to hear or believe this right now, but you will and can get used to life like this. I know that this situation is far from what you want, but life can still be very good for you. I remember the aching feeling I used to have when H wasn't around and it was just me and the kids. I felt like such a big part of us was missing. Somewhere along the line, though, I crossed over to a point where I love my time with my kids and I actually prefer it when H is not around right now (no tension). On the 4th of July, it was just me and the kids going to fireworks, and I thought it would be a bummer, but, actually, I think it turned out to be one of the best 4th's I've had. Can't really explain why, it was just nice, fun and enjoyable. Anyway, I don't know if that helps right now, but I want to you know, it doesn't always have to feel the way it feels to you right now.
Of course you do not feel OK. You are in a lot of pain. Just focus on the present. No one knows what will be going on six months from now, neither you nor H. Don't try to predict the future. Just focus on today.
Thanks, Kat and OT. The understanding goes such a long way. I think maybe it is my friends who see me hurting and tell me to just move on, get myself together...they really are trying, but they don't get it.
There have been days that went better, even some great times, just me doing things, and with the kids. Those moments are good, but then reality crushes in, the stark differences.
One of the things that H said to me yesterday was to put the kids on the phone right away when they get sad and are missing him--he said that, that way, he can feel what I feel in that regard. I think that is the most empathetic thing he has said in a long time.
Well, from going to bed so early, I rolled over and woke up. D is in the bed with me. This has been a really hard week for her, as I think she has seen me cry about three times. Not the hysteria, but weeping. She starts to cry, and says it hurts her to see me crying. When I get on the phone, now, she tries to make me pinky swear not to cry. I've told her that it is ok to cry sometimes, when you are sad. But I have to make it much less frequent in front of her. She is already being deeply affected by this.
I wish I could have tapped into the anger longer--I felt strong with that. It is justified. But I couldn't hold onto it--unconditional love? I think that floors him.
He has said on more than one occasion that he is waiting for me to be on the same page. I think he has meant letting go. I don't think my heart can truly do that, but I will have to make every effort to Act As If...it might be that he can't start something new if I am already at the top of the see-saw, and he has to start at the bottom. Plus, I know that he is still trying to figure out his own life, "find himself." I always thought we had the freedom within our M to do that, but his sense of responsibility but restrictions on himself. He said he couldn't do it because I always wanted to be with him. I have said before that I always want to be near him, but it is my favorite place, not the only place...we all need space and separate interests, too. He locked himself up in the R, even while I was pursuing interests like volunteering and visiting friends...he wouldn't / didn't think he was "allowed...?" Thinking of it this way, it is not surprising that he feels he needs to be on his own, but again, all this resentment built up on ideas of who / what he thought I was, instead of talking to me about the real concerns. Looking back, I always tried to encourage him to take up hobbies, call friends, get involved with outside things. He would respond that he was a homebody, and the family was his hobby. And now, he resents that, too.
So much work, so much for him to figure out. Perhaps if I can shut up long enough, he may start to share these things with me again. He pointed out that I never even gave him a minute through this whole thing--I pointed out the week, sometimes 2 weeks, that I would avoid the topic all together, especially at the beginning, and he wouldn't spend any time with me--hours at a time, alone in the hot tub. I asked him, do you have any idea what that took for me to do? The few days before the bomb, I was happy and secure in our marriage. Suddenly, my world was ripped apart. And then you wouldn't talk to me about it at all, what was going on inside your head. A week was an eternity. He seemed to absorb that, but I know that it is another source of resentment. He said that it would never have gotten physical with CW if he had gotten the time and space that he asked for all along. I said, how much time and space did you need? You never told me--a few days, a week, a month...you left me to guess, and when it got too much, I simply couldn't contain it any longer...
Urgh...more rehashing of the past, things that we can't go back and change. Only today. I can only focus on today, and what I will do today. I will hold on today. I will talk to my C. I will re-read my plan. I will put phone numbers next to the names on my list of people to call on. I will use the treadmill as the first activity thing to try from my list. Yesterday, I printed off inspiring reminders of DBing from JenJam and Ellie (?).
Now, back to sleep after this brain dump. I sincerely don't know where I would be without you.
I start packing today for FL--the trip cannot come soon enough.
You are honestly thinking too much. I know I have over the last couple of days , last night I was realy missing my W and then started to think about everything and it was a downward spiral.
There is nothing to be gained at this stage by trying to analyse the past. There is even less point in trying to figure out the future. You have a Goal and thats great but you cant leap to it , you have to go in little steps.
Right now your H doesnt even figure in those steps you need to take now , that comes later.
Your steps now are all about you and working on yourself , See your C and tell her that you want to ignore your M for now and work on what you need to do to get your life back.
Take time to feel the sun on your back , to see your kids smile , Enjoy time with friends talking about things other than your R.
You can do this you have the strenght , I know you do.
