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Well, now I am thinking of filing to try and get her as far out of my life and the life of my son as possible. Is that still trying to control her, or just moving on with my life?

Are you thinking of filing or filing?

If that is the reason, I'd say your moving on and perhaps trying to Punish her or make her pay or teach her a lesson. You may be harming your son too. Is it in his best interest to be to have his mother as far out of his life as possible? For how long? For ever? Who best to decide whether she should be in his life? You? Think you're really objective and clear headed on it?

N

WC

sorry no caps, right shift key on the laptop was ripped off by S, and i hate the left reach with the pinki, can't do it.

i feel where you are, sounds like your at the ropes end. but ask yourself, have you tried everything? have you really tried everything? maybe a more important question is too sit down and really think what you want, is it with w. i know i don't want anything with my w, unless it is a new r/m without the old habits, verbal assualts, and drinking. but i do know that we could have a m that we both wanted and a relationship were we love and respect each other.

think it through, find your answer so that you have thought before you act. i think the way your heading is for the d, and it appears to be controlling.

don't think i'm judging or anything, i did a lot worst then you this weekend with my r. i'll post up on it later. but i need to just get to a point of turning the check and riding it out. i know you will find what you want, and then get it, either way.

Man, I don't know.

I know my son is absolutely miserable. I know that we are not making any progress at all right now, as she does not have the courage to file for divorce, and I'm still trying to save our marriage. I know that the bills are getting way out of hand. I know that IRS is planning on taking action against us soon. I know that W is still trapped in the clutches of Infatuation, and will not even approach rationality until OM is out of the picture entirely.

Yeah, I'm at the end of my rope. I have given her every opportunity and more, and just keep getting kicked for my trouble.

Fact is, she doesn't love me, probably never has. She probably is not capable of feeling real love, for me, OM, her son, or herself.

I'm committed now, whether I like it or not. I made it plain that if she went to see OM this week, it is over and the divorce will be exactly the divorce that she has earned. If she chooses not to go, then I will be a DB'ing fool.

The decision is hers, and hers alone, now.

cliche
OK, on the "probably never has". I can relate to this statement, but remember these are your thoughts about what she has / has not felt, who knows what the truth is. She sounds completely shut off. All you can do is wait this storm out. I am so sorry you are going through this.

CVA

Thanks, CVA. To be honest, I'm not very sorry to be going through this. It really has been one of the best things for me. Ever.

I cannot speak for her, of course, but for myself this has been an extremely unhealthy relationship. It was quite common for people to ask "What is she doing with you?", to which I always responded "I don't know". Now I am finding out a lot about myself, both good and bad, and I know (in my heart if not my mind yet) that she has been the lucky one.

I have some similar tendencies/similarities to your sitch: She is a "verbal wimp", meaning that she will not share her feelings openly, only builds resentment and operates on silent revenge. I, on the other hand, have always shared everything with her, never building any healthy boundaries for myself. That is why the pain of this betrayal has been so difficult for me to bear: It's no ones fault but mine, but I really put all my trust in her. As a fellow ACOA, you know how difficult it is to let go of ingrained loyalties, no matter how damaging they may be to you. Luckily, her continued arrogance and brutality have finally given me the chance to see her clearly for the first time, either in a long time or ever (not really sure which).

During the friday call, I pointed out my concerns about S hurting some poor girl when he gets to our age, because he will have been taught that this is just what people do. She protested, said that of course she would not teach him that. I responded by pointing out that she is, in fact, following her father's footsteps exactly (as a refresher, her father had an affair with W's aunt, broke MIL's arm in front of W at age 6, divorced MIL soon after, used blackmail and deception to win full custody, remarried 3 months after the divorce was final, and beat his children regularly).

I've said it before (including to W during the Friday call), and I will say it again: I am so tired of being right. I just want to be loved.

P.S. If anyone has any advice on how to handle these recent developments, I am willing to listen. In a way, I am following the "After the Last Resort" technique from DR. Or, at least I feel that I am. I'm very concerned about losing my credibility by going back on my word, but divorce is not the way I want this to go down. Since the friday call, I have been very upbeat in my few moments of contact with W, including some shared nervous giggles during the goodnight call last night as we "jinxed" each other with our goodnights to each other. I saw it as positive, but I'm afraid it just won't be enough of a connection to help her make what I see as the "right" decision.

So, offer any advice you would like, because I am just not seeing any solutions right now.

wc,

don't worry about your crediability or going back on your word, those things only mean something when you do them and make the wrong decision. growing up as men we always learn those are two big deals when dealing with the world, but the caveat was that you stood in the right, not just for you but for others as well. my only suggestion is that if you want this to work, show her and that is all, then stand in the good spot and don't follow what you did before just to set a standard. thats if you want it. its a big pill to swallow, those parts of the book are tough for me to swallow, don't be right just be there. sucks i know.

I know the GIGO rule, despite my (mostly feigned) inability with computers.

It just depends on which way you want to read the book, Atlas. In the section on the "After the last resort", it clearly states that losing your credibility in such an all or nothing sitch is tantamount to showing that you are not worth being with. Also, I do not beleive that I am doing this to be right, just for the sake of being right. LEt's face it, I am doing this totry and give her the chance to work this out between us, no matter how it ends up.

She is of the feeling that her R with OM is not an affair, just because she is living at MIL's house. I informed her, calmly if you can beleive it, that no matter how she has felt and for how long, she did not make the decision to leave until she had started her R with OM. This makes him part of our sitch, and fair game for the D. Her decision.

I alos pointed out that her R with OM is not only putting her R with our S at great risk, it is also putting OM's R with his kids at risk. Apparently she met his kids over Father's day (what a scumbag to do that to his kids, after all it is only the second time they have seen each other in person). I hope there is some shred of humanity left in her, but if not, then not.

wc,

your right about that part of the book, forgot about that. i guess my view of it is that you have decided and want to follow through on it for you and the crediability.

i guess i would ask the lawyer what are my options, can i back out, when has it gone beyond a point of stopping, can she stop me from withdrawing. i guess just make sure you know all your facts so that you have the best view to make a decision, especially if something changes.

i'm sorry to hear about this, it's amazing how the mind works, oh its not an affair, huh? then what am i an inconveniance. the whole logic thing left a while ago, probably what got me to where i am now, love isn't logical.

I feel you.

She's beating the "You are keeping our son out of his home" drum now, conveniently forgetting that she is the one that took him from here so she did not have to sleep alone. She also claims that she is still trying to get into therapy, but 4 months is long time to be "trying".

As to the legal issues: In my state, a petition for divorce that is not contested within 31 days of service is considered uncontested and granted on the grounds of the initial petition. It can always be backed out of, but if it gets that far I doubt she will have the guts/decency. My hope was that she would file on "irreconcilable differences", so I could file a counter-motion on adultery and still claim that I did not want a divorce. Unfortunately, she seems wholly convinced that this is something that is just happening to her, not something that her actions have helped bring about.

The book that we all hold so dear can, and is, wrong in certain situations. Also, in any life event, it is important to know just when to break the rules. I have spend the last 2.5 hours working out, so I'm a bit shaky and not in my right mind, but I just know there is an answer somewhere.

Just another bit of venting: During the Friday call, I pointed out (in my honest opinion) how poorly she has treated me throughout our relationship. She asked why, then, would I still want to go forward with her. I said for my son's sake, but I just wish that that were true.

Why the hell do I have it so bad for this girl? Why can't I just shake her off the way she shook me off so long ago?