Do not tell him under any circumstances. He calls the shots, he inflicts pain, he deceives and plots and plans behind your back and what do you got? You are not in any position yet to reveal your hand. Would you tell him that you have a range of strategies in place to save your R? That what you are doing is part of your ultimate goal? What is your ultimate goal here? Will it bring him any closer to you at this point? So he might confirm what you already know - big deal. Will he call you a sneak and a deceiver? Big deal - what is he? Some say don't snoop because it affects your PMA. That's true but I have found that some knowledge empowers me; eg I know that my H is utterly confused and frightened to death; our situation is that he has so much to lose. Even if we reconciled and lived happily ever after I WOULD NOT EVER TELL HIM. I would never be able to trust him in the same way again and I would be ever watchful of the danger signals. It's part of the pain we have to live with; don't make it easy for him; don't give him anything on a plate. Keep a cool head and let him blunder on. Do the opposite: don't react and act as if everything's fine.
Here is why...I think it is VITAL to the workings and "continued" workings of a M to have open and honest communication...sometimes that needs to be held for the right time but it still needs to be cleared...guilt is something that no one should be "forced" to live with and yet some can't seem to come clean even though they WANT to...it is easier if they are "caught" and usually make it easy at some point...
bar...you say that you would never tell, never trust in the same way, and be ever watchful of the danger signals...
My comment to that is what IF you were wrong and had all the wrong signals???...to never trust in the same way and to be "ever watchful" doesn't sound like a good time M to me...
I was lied to, cheated on, abandoned...but with OPEN HONEST COMMUNICATION I can say that I do trust my H...I am not so stupid to think it could NEVER happen again but I am not being "ever watchful"...if I had to live like that in my M then I would know there wasn't forgiveness...and without that there is only misery to be had...and life is much to short for me to be miserable, hold back from my M, and subject H to the same...I deserve better and so does he...
I truly believe that you need to have the truth...I don't think you need to tell ALL...I had GPS tracking on my H's phone when he left because I didn't know where he went or what was up...He will never know I did that (he thinks I hired a PI because I worked in the industry and had access to information)...but I did talk to him about what I KNEW, FOUND, and NEEDED to know...
impatient...it sounds like you are moving cautiously and carefully...that is good...it is best to find the time that you are ready...amnesty is a great tool to use...but remember this...you can't MAKE him come clean...it is still a matter of his wanting to or needing to...with my H he denied...but then with my tenacity came a point that he couldn't deny the evidence that I had collected...yes, some was by snooping...and some was just left out for me to find!
what bar is doing may be right for her...I know what I did is right for me...you have to choose your path...and what you can live with...personally, I like being able to talk to my H when something comes up that bothers me...like the email address he uses...it brings back memories...I finally shared this with him and he understands...he volunteered to change it so that I wasn't faced with that reminder all the time...baby steps...honesty...open communication...that is what my rebuilding of my M is based on...
Oh, I so agree with imLin. I did what BAR did 10 years ago and look where I'm now. I have learned by my mistakes and one was that I did not not want to face what had happened and that I did not require an open and honest M. I just assumed that it would be that way, if we got back together. NOT!
Good advice imLin.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Many spouses do leave signs and want to be caught. They want their secrets to be out of the closet. My H has it easier now that his affair is public so he can be more open with her. Before he had to sneak around. Now he can enjoy her company in front of everyone! How is that better? It is open and honest but in my opnion it is humiliating and immoral. Oh well. Even my kids know and he will have to deal with that pretty soon.
When and if your H tells you, you will be prepared. It will not be a shock and that is good. My H cried when he told me but he did not take any accountability or apologize. That was awful. He felt completely justified as I kicked him out and he told me he did not love me. According to him the marriage is over so it is not my business who he sees. The infidelity bomb is one thing. The apathy is another. How I wish my H acted like yours, remorseful, loving, caring. You have so much to work with here. Reward his positive traits. It is like dog training now. reward his honesty. When he admits it, you can say that you already knew but that you were giving him time for when he was ready to talk about it.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Things continue to go well and I am so hopeful and optimistic right now
On his overnight trip Wednesday, he left me 2 voicemails and an email. 4th contact, I answered the phone and it was a quick hello as he was between meetings. 5th call I answered, it was another quick hello as he was between dinner and drinks. 6th call I answered, and we talked about an hour, not R stuff. Then must goodbye, get some sleep, afraid he'll be tired at our MC appt tomorrow. This is A LOT OF CONTACT, more than when things were fine 10 years ago and way more than last 6 months.
Yesterday morning, he called from the airport to let me know he got in okay and would see me tonight. With only 1 minute left before the MC appt, he called to say he was having trouble finding the place. Phew! I was waiting anxiously, pretty sure that he was skipping out, but didn't want to call/pressure him. Glad I didn't. He made it.
He did most of the talking, offered up the "readers digest", and during/after, said he hoped he wasn't talking over me at all. I was happy to hear him speak though! I agreed with his assessment but interjected "I have a bit of a different perspective on that" from time to time. In the end, it was an "assessment" appointment as an employee assistance program through my work so we won't be seeing that MC again. She thought we had a strong foundation to rebuild our M and is going to be in touch with a referral so long as we are both committed to this, and we both agreed that we are.
Went straight home and talked. He wanted to clear up that he doesn't remember saying he wasn't in love any more; he thought he said and/or meant to say that he isn't sure about that.
One thing I told him was that one of my top 1 or 2 needs was his complete honesty. H: didn't know that. M: don't want to dwell in the past and agree with him to think present/future as we work on our M but... I KNOW he has done some terrible things and has lied and I am/will have trouble working on M so long as he doesn't come clean with me. Before I could continue my explanation, he interrupted: Okay, I'll make a list of things I'm not proud of.
Wow! I thanked him and didn't push it any further, no timetable, etc. I will try to be patient. Again, obviously, I haven't fessed up to my snooping. Planned to tell him that I "know things" and won't tell him what/how I know because I don't want him crafting some half-truth that allows him to answer/lie to meet it. He's very good at that sort of thing.
Some time last week, he invited me to a colleague's going-away party that is tomorrow, although he said at the time that his instinct was that he did not want me there. So I asked last night if I was still invited; he had not said when/where.
H: Of course. Please understand I might be a little weird and don't read too much into it. Since I haven't been going out lately, they've been teasing "problems at home, eh?" so now when I show up at a work-related thing with my wife when no other spouses are there, it's going to be obvious and I'm already anxious about it. But it's okay, our M is more important and I really don't care what they think but I will be a little weird.
From super-secret to full disclosure and commitment. Am definitely feeling lucky and loved.
Have Faith - I'm not sure what you say I am doing? I am facing what is happening now and it's absolutely the most destructive thing I have ever experienced. He knows I know and still it carries on and still we live together.
I do require an open and honest M but right now my H is not being open and honest with me: that's why I can't show all my cards now. Maybe one day. I know that stats say if they've done it once, they'll do it again and that's why I would be on my guard. It would be a long time before my trust was restored and I really believe M is different after A's.I would certainly not assume the M would be open and honest that's why I would still not show my cards. If I am ever in this position again, after reconciliation, I will not try to DB. That would be it.
My H also showed no remorse, said he didn't love me, didn't want to be married, did not apologize, and pretty much blamed me for making him do it!...He also felt justified and told me where he was, who he was with, and what he did was NONE OF MY BUSINESS...that is why he left me!
But all that has changed...he is sorry, he accepts responsibility and accountability...yes his children and friends all found out...he was not happy with that because he lost them all...thankfully he is being forgiven by his children and his friends now...
All is not lost in most cases...just keep going...
bar...I understand where you are at...it is very painful...I am not sure how long you and H have been married and what your history is but I don't believe that it is always the case that once a cheater always a cheater...my H was always so very loyal for the 27 years I had known him...he snapped...basically it was not HIM...and I don't think he would do it again...
I also agree that if...and that is a big IF for us...I would not DB again...I don't think I could endure this again...and I would hope that H knows that...but as with this time...and with other things I really can't say 100% for sure what I would do...because I never thought I would do what I did!!! Take care....Lin
I am not sure what the alternative to DBing is? My mom has given me so much good and bad advice. Some of it is DBing and some of it is moving on. They may not be exclusive to each other. My mother believes that jealousy is a key component when dealing with a MLC and infidelity. I am still unsure. She thinks I need to date immediatley and go out like a single person. Is that part of GAL or DBing? I am loyal while he is dating? How does that look to him? He is adamant about me moving on and minding my own business. My mom says he feels this way because he is already smitten by OW and I need to get over him with a transitional OM. Is that right?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hi Lin! I'm jumping the gun really; thinking: what if H goes, what if H comes back, what if I've moved on blah blah. Trust is a big issue with me. I'm M 30 years and cannot remember a time when he was not around. We built a good life eventually after some staggering ups and downs and we had plans for the future. Now H wants a new life and he is prepared to sacrifice my life to get what he wants. Trust will always be an issue. We are tied emotionally and financially. If H is determined to destroy it all then I want him to take the responsibility for leaving.
That's why I sometimes wish he would leave but I don't push him away. If it all happens and he came back one day, trust would still be an isse. I'm coming to realise that my life is more important than him or the M. Why should I self-destruct to prove my love? I thought I had an open and honest M for thirty years but he says he'd been thinking about leaving for years. All those years I trusted and trusted and look now; it counts for nothing. My trusting attitude helped him to build a new life, new friendships (all women) and eventually to find 'the love of his life.'
So yes I will be wary and cautious in the future.
I'm so glad your H came back. How do you deal with trust issues?
Me 54 H58 M 30 living together Bomb 01/12/07 grown up son
