I don't know if your wife would consider going to a Retrouvaille weekend, but if you could get yourselves to one, it would really help you. They have a website with info -- http://www.retrouvaille.org. It is a retreat for couples, and it creates a safe place in which to have directed conversations with your spouse. It's not counseling, you work together as a couple, with no one 3rd party giving advice. The couples who present the workshop have all been through misery in their marriages and have healed and gone on to happy, loving relationships with each other. They serve as examples of what you are working toward. Weekends are available all over the country and in a lot of foreign countries too.
It was a turning point for my marriage, and I will never be able to thank the people who helped us turn this marriage around enough.
I've seen this mentioned before on the site. It actually may have been you, but I'm not sure. I would try anything at this point, but I don't think she'd be a willing participant. I hate that I can only sleep until 3 AM.
It may well have been me. But there are a few people here who have gone. If you get your wife there, she won't be first unwilling participant they've seen. That was PonyGirl's story. She got her husband there as a favor to her, but he opened up and did it. You can read her thread. Hers weren't the best results, but it gives you the story. The success rate is very high.
Just a quick update on where I am, and where I think I'm going. The big blowout happened on Sunday night, and we haven't spoken about it since. She is back sleeping in the bed with me, but I feel as though there is a lot of tension in the air. Yesterday I bought "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald. Lots of good advice in there. Similar to DBing. I'm going to start following the suggestions immediately.
Also did my first DB counseling last night. I spoke with Jerry. It was good to get all of this out. He reaffirmed my suspicions that the OG is already or will become soon more romantic. Hate that, but won't dwell on it. He made some recommendations... focus on family and doing things together, try and get her out to dinner for her birthday, etc.
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I noticed a few days ago that she had stopped wearing her ring. I took mine off this morning and left it on the bathroom sink. I'm intending that to be part of my As If approach... that I'm okay with the idea of D. She sent me an email this morning when she got to work "Did you forget something this morning or was it deliberate". Not sure if this is anger or disappointment. We'll see tonight.
Here's a good thing... There's a girl here at work that I've been talking to. She really helps to brighten up my day. Innocent flirting, but it is really boosting my self esteem. Overall, I'm feeling much better today.
The week went by so quickly. I was hoping that things would be looking better by the end of this evening, but it is really crap. Here's the week in review:
So after the ring incident, I came home that night expecting to find my ring where I had left it. No ring. Started looking around and eventually found a jewelry box on her bureau with both wedding bands, her engagement and anniversary rings. Let if where it was. That night she had plans to meet her old college roommate in PA for dinner / drinks. She got home that night about 11:30 and when she came to bed, she was very talkative which was a bit of a change.
Next night I had plans to out with friends from my previous job. I had planned on going home first to get the kids from camp and then get my son to karate. My wife would have met me at karate and then I would be off to the bar. Issue came up at work and I was the only one around to deal with it, so I called her to ask if she could leave early to get the kids. She had no problem with that for which I was very thankful. She calls later and tells me that I have sons gear in my car. He had a meltdown and wouldn't go to karate. After I get out of work, I go out to bar and have a decent time. W is on my mind a lot, so I'm not fully enjoying myself. Get home early - about 10:30. W is still awake which is unusual. I try to do some light talking, but she is very distant. Sleep fairly well.
The next day she has plans to stay the night with another girlfriend and than go to New Hope, PA the next day, so I haven't seen her really since Thurs. night. Today I spent the day with the kids. First to horseback riding lessons with daughter and then we go to Renaisance Fair in NY. Spend the whole day there. Some txt messages back and forth to W. Sent her a picture of a shirt that I was sure she would like. Really looking forward to see her when I got home, and we had also planned on going to fireworks this evening. When I walk in, she's in pajamas. Didn't want to go. Tired. Not talkative, and distant. I'm trying my hardest to keep a positive attitude. Trying to make small talk and about things from the past few days. Not much response. I want to ask about the rings, but don't. No touching. No kiss. Still no ring on her finger. Seems like the time around her is getting more stressful.
So tomorrow we have dinner at the IL. Monday I have a nice dinner scheduled to celebrate the W bday which is Tuesday. Tuesday we have a C session. Hate that it fell on her bday, but I'm going to try to have cake ready right after dinner with the kids and give her the kids gifts before we go to C. We also have a family vacation coming up the week after next. With the way things have gone this week, I'm really concerned about the dinner / bday and vacation. I'm hoping something shifts.
Trying to stay positive and maintaining a happy front.
Woke up this morning and lay in bed for a while with W. I know some other DBrs recommended that I not mention the ring, but this has really been eating away at me. I asked her where the rings had gone to. She said they were in her purse and asked if I wanted mine back. Said yes... I had been feeling naked without it. Then I tried to explain why I had taken it off in the first place. Told her that it wasn't to mean or out of spite, but that I wanted her to know that I was confortable with the idea of being apart. That I would do anything to make things work, but I could accept that things would go on afterwards. We talked a little about the past week. She had seen a couple of girlfriends during the week and I asked if she had talked to them about this and what they had said. Both of them were surprised at the situation, but told her that she needs to do what's right for her.
She mentioned that the other day when she had gone to New Hope, she had stopped at a lawyer beforehand. Guess it was a free consultation. She said he was very matter of fact. That we would need to get him all of our financial situation and spoke of child support and alimony. Ouch.
I spoke about the DBing site and book along with other things that I had read. How our situation was so similar to things that I had read about and that things can work out. I asked if she had been reading anything about relationships recently. She hadn't but pointed out that you can pick up a book on any aspect of the whole relationship issue and find something that supports your beliefs. If you are dead set on divorce, there is a book out there that will make it all seem like the right thing to do. I can understand that and had been thinking something very similar.
That was about as far as the conversation went before the kids were up and trying to get us out of bed. W and D went to bridal shower in the afternoon. I took S and went out looking or bday cards for W. Later went to the ILs for lunch and dinner. W and D came later. Still distant as ever. After dinner she disappeared out to the deck to be by herself. I could see that something was eating away at her. The kids stayed at the IL when we left cause they are going out with grandparents tomorrow. I stopped for gas on the way home. When I got home, wife was not there yet. When I walked in, the phone rang. It was her saying that she had stopped to get soda. Took the dog for a walk... about 15 minutes. Wife still not home. Called her. Said she was just driving around thinking. Hating this!!! She's home now, so I need to go.
Ok, your sitch sounds a lot like mine, except for the genders. H and I had become very distant emotionally over the years. 3 boys in 7 years, etc. No real interest in sex/intimacy on my part. H had 2 EA's, supposedly, while deployed, 1 one night stand while deployed. Found out about those while on maternity leave w/ S#2. Found out later he had seen a D lawyer and then we found out I was pregnant w/ S#3.
Ok, so, he never left the house during our whole D sitch. He did leave for 3 days here and a weekend there, but that was it. We knew he was getting deployed in May (he dropped D bomb in January) and he wanted to spend the rest of his time here in the house w/ the boys.
I DB'd my a$$ off. It sucked, yes, but we made it through. I finally asked him the other day what changed his mind. He said simply "I love you." He realized that, yes, we had issues, but we also could work through them. Unfortunately our WAS's don't realize how much effort it takes to keep a R/M going -- especially once we have children. They don't realize that the emotions they are feeling and the excitement of someone "new" happens to so many people, but they most likely will not be happy "on the other side."
My best advice is 'HAVE PATIENCE.' As hard as this is and as much as it sucks, you have GOT to be patient. You have got to just work on you and what you can do to make yourself a better person and figure out what you could have been doing or could change that would make your M better.
I started making sure I spent more quality time w/ H. Instead of just going to bed once the boys were asleep b/c I was exhausted, I made sure that I TALKED to him. He was lonely in his own house and I never knew it. I made sure I was doing my part around the house. It had kind of started being that H was doing a lot of the housework while I dealt w/ the boys. I didn't realize he was doing it so that things would be easier on me and then maybe I would actually spend some more time w/ him.
You honestly just need to continue to love her and be patient. Show her the H that she would not want to leave and would never want to lose.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for the support, but it looks like I don't have patience. She got home bout 30 minutes ago. Said she had nothing to talk about, so I said that there were some things that I had wanted to say from this morning. I asked this...
Given two scenarios: If we could stay married and both find the happiness that we want -vs- we get divorced and she finds happiness either alone or with another person... which would be the preferable situation?
She comes back to her insistance that she has no desire. That it hasn't been there. That she doesn't want to work on something that she just doesn't feel. She hasn't budged from this position for a month now. Talked about our past relationship. That the feelings were good in the beginning and that we had just let them slide. There was a time when we were living with my IL while our house was being built. She has told me in the past that I wasn't there for her emotionally during that time. That she was extremely distraught, and I didn't see it. She doubted that she would ever move into the new house with me. To me, this was a turning point in our relationship, but she insists that it was not there long before that.
Read her some of Michele's stuff about the WAW and about need for ongoing work in a relationship. Told her that if there was any glimmer of hope that we could rekindle our relationship, I thought it was worthwhile to give it a try. She was not hearing it. Not budging. She is done trying.
So I left the conversation as:
You know that I want the marriage to work, and I'll do anything you need me to do to make it work. I see now though, that there is no chance of it working. It looks like there is a 100% chance that it won't work. I have off of work tomorrow, so I will go looking for apartments.
Then she asks if I'm going to come back to bed.
Don't know. Don't know what to do.
Birthday dinner with W planned for tomorrow night. MC session planned for Tuesday. Family vacation planned for next week.
What do I do??? As much as I know it will be a mistake, I want to still try the dinner. Tell her that it will be strictly as friends. No R talk. I also desperately want the family vacation to go on as planned. I had been thinking that this would be a good time for her to at least see the family together and have fun.
Don't even say the "friends" thing. You need to STOP. Yes, still go to dinner and have a good time. I heard all of that too, and it took him about 3 months to come around. Do not move out and do not mention again looking for apartments or that you see that there is no hope. You need to start DB'ing big time. You need to SHOW her that you love her, no more R talks, no more pushing her to make some sort of decision. It won't work. SHE needs to see what it is she is giving up and losing. SHE needs to see that you 2 still "have it," it was just sat on the back burner for a long time and it needs to be heated up again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
SHE needs to see what it is she is giving up and losing. SHE needs to see that you 2 still "have it," it was just sat on the back burner for a long time and it needs to be heated up again.
She knows what she's giving up, or at least she has told me that. She tells me that she wants to try and find what she hasn't felt with me. This past month is the longest we have ever gone without physical affection. Before the bomb it was a couple of times a week. It's just been such a drastic and immediate change. I'm grasping at straws here. What I've been doing for the past month hasn't been working. I was hoping the apartment topic would help reality sink in. I will really try to convince her to keep the dinner date.
