Well, I talked to H yesterday about the money. He called and told me he changed his mind about the "allowance". He said he wanted to do that so I said ok. I told him that we would both take out the same amount of money and that was what we had to use for everything that wasn't a bill (food, gas, going out, etc.). He said ok. Well, he went and took out his money...then he went and spent 50 bucks at wal-mart. That wasn't the plan. Two hours and he had already broken the rules. I was pretty mad, because all of the bills fall on me. If they don't get paid, it is MY credit that it ruins because everything is in my name.
Well, during my anger I called him. No answer, left a message. I called back a couple of hours later. No answer, left another message. Now, this is a man that checks his phone every five minutes so I know he knew I had called. I decided to call him back one more time to leave a message for him not to even bother calling me back (I know, this is not DB'ing, but I can't seem to help myself sometimes). Well, that time he answered.
Anyway, we started talking about the R. He told me that he needed to talk to me and he needed to do it in person. This doesn't sound good to me. I asked when, and he said he could come over at lunch today. I told him no because I would have to go back to work and I didn't want to spend my lunch break crying and not feel like going back to work. He said he would come over when I got off work.
I am not expecting it to be good news. I am actually expecting him to say he wants a D. I just cannot accept this. I know that I can go on without him, I just don't WANT to. Just a couple of months ago everything was fine. The week before he started pulling away and shutting me out we went out for drinks. He told me how much he loved me and said that he loved being married to me. I just don't understand it. It makes no sense.
Anyway, this is a really bad day. I am just trying to get through. My stomach is in knots about this conversation this afternoon.
I know that I will be ok. I know that. It just hurts so bad, I never imagined it would hurt so bad. I have this anger/sad/nervous feeling and it is horrible. I am back and forth. I am going through this vicious cycle and I am not sure how to break out of it.
You know, I talked to him yesterday afternoon and he was so nice. And then last night he was so cold. I am beginning to see that he is only nice to me when he wants something. Once he gets it, that's over. That is the reason for my roller coaster emotions, nice/mean/nice/mean.
I am so nervous about this afternoon. I am literally shaking while I type this. I can't get anything done at work. It was like he had had a revelation or something. I was telling him that I wish we could just go out and do something and have fun, just one day. He said "It isn't that easy"...I said, "why not?" and he said "It is something I need to talk to you about in person." That didn't really help my sleep out at all last night.
I know that I should just quit analyzing what I "think" he is going to say, but it is easier said than done.
OK well....here's the deal-io chick. You can't change what he's going to say. So you prepare yourself for the worst....and try to validate when you can. Don't beg, plead or cry....in front of him.
((((((((((((klm)))))))))
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
They are taking us for a ride on a roller coaster. One minute they are nice the next they are cold and distant. Some one wrote in a thread that they are nice, because they still care and they are cold because they are scared that they really do still care. But they think they should not care and feel that way, since they were so sure that getting out was what they truly wanted.
All we can do is be consistent with our actions towards them even though they are all over the board with their own.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
I am so bad at this. Well, he came over and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I knew he had been thinking it, but I didn't know actually hearing it would be so bad. I couldn't seem to do the not crying thing. He said he didn't even know if he ever loved me. Wow, that hurt. To think that it has all been a lie. He said it was over, he was done and nothing was going to change his mind. There was no way his feelings were going to change. I reacted the wrong way.
I am not sure what to do at this point. He has already moved everything out. He is gone. I actually feel like I won't see him again. He is not going to call me and I don't think a phone call from me will be welcome at this point.
On the upside of my life I got a phone call about a job today. It is in my home town. That was always the plan for us...to move back home. Neither one of us have been happy in TX and we both want to move back home. I am going to pursue this job. If I get it, I would probably take it and then we would be almost a thousand miles between us. I am sure that wouldn't help things, but at this point I have to do what I need to do for myself.
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry. but that is great about the job...sounds like it could be a good thing. I know, cold comfort when your heart is breaking, but I wish you luck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
