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Awesome Ali!

I hope you went with sexy.

I need to print that out and post it everywhere around my house so I can drill it into my head!

Upside

WELL I HAD A FABULOUS TIME! WHERE TO EVEN BEGIN?

I can say that whoever posted maybe this would have come to a head at any rate when he had his outburst was most definitely right,, he was just waiting for me to mess something up so to speak to let out all the stuff ( not justifying it by any means~)
he did mention it again and I told him yeah I am sorry I got invovlved she just overwhelmed me... she called my H private for 12 hours straight on Sat. he finally told her off. And now he sees what I meant all along when he continued to talk to her. Then after twelve hours she calls me and acts INNOCENT?! WTF?
As much of a LADY as I am I had had JUST enough. I finally spoke my mind and I feel soooo much better. I told her everything I have been wanting to say in a calm voice and she hung uo on me and said NOW she will respecy my request not to call me cause she sees I do not want to talk to her? really sweetie what gave you the first CLUE? So enough of her~ and her sickness~ I am proud of me for getting that off my back.

So my H picks me up at the Airport and he was LATE cause of work and he said he was sorry * ! ( he never says sorry especially concerning work ) . On the way to the city we briefly talk @ his drinking and he says yes I think it has gotten out of hand. *! We go to get a room and of course cannot keep our hands one another as hard as I tried not be a N*mpho... it was awesome to say the least *! .
We rented a room with a hot tub *! Then he is tired so he says what do we do? and we could have just been sleepy and laid there but I wanted to have some fun with him so I do a 180 for me and TELL him what we are going to do!!!!! *!
We go to a local bar and have a few drinks,,, he mentions other woman briefly ( that my ex GF BF mentioned her etc etc) and I wanted to choke him but obviously did not,, sooooo his face got red and I mean real red ( he has beautifull dark skin) ( I guess the look on my face said it all ?) and he stopped talking about it immediately. I am over it and yet I would rather talk @ a ROOT CANAL than her!
So a few drinks and nice convo later he says " LET'S GO TO VICTORIA SECRET!!!" *! I think this is a great idea he has not been there with me in over 5 years! I ask the Bartender how to get there and we are off. He picked out some beautiful things for me and said he was embarassed to be there , I said " Are you these women are thinking wow he is *())&& awesome he takes his wife to VS!!!!! So stop it~"
We get back to the room and I model the "stuff" for him. FUN, FUN FUN~ *!

All I can say is he went to bed one content man~ I was really just being in the moment not worried about anything ( not even the D*MN Tattoo!!) and enjoyed myself. I am having a tiny problem with lubrication and I hate to be so honest but the passion is there my body just is not cooperating or maybe we are RUSHING? I dunno,,, so ladies can you help with any ideas? I did say the nest day we could get some lubricabt and he said you could also just get more lubricated. I took that as my chance to explain Female 101 ( well as best as I know!) and said wellhoney I am there and feeling it and I wnat you do not take it personal, I also need you to know I am not getting any younger and as women age we lose the ability to get lubricated,, so do not feel bad we just need to take it slow and go from there~ I love you dummy!
Oh yeah he said ILY to me so many times I lost track and I felt so content. I also once again remebered last year at this time and it made it all the more special.
Also while I was there I talked to him several times about his drinking and he agreed and says he wants to get healthy,, so I know it will be hard and it will ahve to come from him , but it is a start anyway.

I can say he demonstrated a tenderness I have not seen in ages and he really went out of his way to treat me like a LADY.
He didso many small things for me that I cannot begin to post them and they all say to me that he cares very much for me ,, They are all things he was not doing til I was who he needed to be~ he told me this a few months ago....

" I used to do x, y or z and when you are who I need you to be then I will do them again and not before!" just for instance the simple act of him zipping my luggage and checking to see if I left anything behind were huge for me.
And he did them genuinely not like hey I really dont want to but if it makes her Happy,, this was HUGE******!!!!!!!!!

We ML many times and I made sure I looked FANTASTIC too... He did say i need to start taking better care of my body and he is right but I did not let that stop me ( in the past I would have) he said I am not trying to be rude honey but you are supposed to be working out and you arent. So IN essence he wants me to take care of me and that says Volumes to me. I am sitting out in the sun typing this so I can get some color ( I am very Fair) and it feels goos to take this time for me. I spent the morning clEANING AND GOT THE KIDS TO HELP W/O TOO MUCH FLACK.
I like this new stronger WOMAN, I am becoming. I can still be beautiful and kick some a** too.
He kept calling me his B*tch and he knows I am sensitive so when he said it several times he STOPPED!!!!!! and said " I am not offending you am I honey?"
And I said" thanks for asking actually no, I am your B*tch and I am getting stronger so I know you enjoy this side of me and that is why you are saying it!" " I also want you to know I love when you joke around with me and arent angry and can have fun with me and are relaxed enough to say whats on your mind~"
What is awesome about it is he is acknowleding this new me I am trtying to get the kinks out of.... KICKING SOME A** COG!!!! I love it!!!!! I hate that word but when he says it like I am making him feel like a Man and he is feeling FRISKY oooooh that gets me going to keep working on this hidden side of me. Sexy clothes , a NEW attitude, being assertive and ML to my man are all working in my favor to get ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT more intamicy!
God bless....

That is awesome Ali, I'm so glad for you. Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

BTW~ Thank you all for your posts while I was away!!!!!

.... yesterday, I forgot to thank you all. MY MOM stopped over to visit when I was posting and I did not get to finish or even check my spelling~ Sheesh THANKS EVERYONE YOU ARE THE BEST~
LOVE AND GOD BLESS, Ali

Ali,

WOW!! You are an awesome woman! You are a REAL woman.

I'm very much not impressed by women who dress like men, want to act like men, work like men, be BETTER than men. I want a woman to be a WOMAN!! Oh right you are you wildcat you. My perfect woman is beautiful, strong, smart, has integrity, self esteem, can kick ass when she needs to, but above all else, is not afraid to take her sexuality to it's absolute highest peak, no fear, no regrets, no guilt! This idea that sex is somehow dirty, or not lady like, or done just to please a man is evil in my opinion. Sex between a H and W is good, it's blessed, it's a great gift, a journey of exploration, exhiloration, and wildness.

Ali, I can honestly say that I've never met anyone like you. I am so proud to know you, one of the very few REAL women that I've ever met.

I love the fact that you are'nt afraid to unleash the sexual goddess within you. To fearlessly allow your man, not any man YOUR man, your body, mind and soul to be experience the fullest power of sexuality as God intended it for you. That is from God my sister, that is one of the many gifts and blessings He has in store for husband and wife. But it takes great faith, courage, and strength to reap those blessings that come from the spirit.

Keep up the good work!!

Love,

COG

PS Your H made a very rude comment about you being a nympho. Maybe you should bring that up with him, allow him to apologize so that little seed of fear and doubt will not grow into a mountain. You are not what he called you in that drunken state. That vulgar term is not even in the dictionary. A nymph is an immature insect; or a mythological female spirit that inhabits woodlands and waterways. Well you are a female spirit alright, but a maniac you are not.

I'm leaving for vacation with the family. I'll check in when I get back. Take Care!

PS COG~ H actually did not say I was a N**pho,, he said an ugly sentence, which was worse tahn that word.

AND I would rather not repeat AGAIN

and so I posted "oh so what now I am a N**pho?" CAUSE IT CAME TO MY MIND AND IT WAS IN ESSENCE WHAT HE WAS SAYING!!!!!
It was absurd for him to say that I think sex fixes things or b/c I have once again found myself for him to throw this in my face. Are you kidding me? My sexuality is what he has been nagging me @ for years that I used to be so sensual and what happened!!!!!!! I think I SCARE him is what it is~

Oh well, he will have to bend and twist and GROW cause I am me and I will continue to grow and I aint going back to being locked up inside myself...H*LL NO~
I did adress his BS and that it is unecessary for him to talk to me this way.... and geez from what he said while I was ML to him ....seems he was in HEAVEN actually. READY TO MELT, like and ice cream cone on a HOOOOOOOOT summer day! And yes it feels d*mn good to have this power of MY femininity BACK. God made me a Woman and it is time I enjoyed it for all it is worth. I am a work in progress and now I see the Tattoo and think "SHE AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME, SURE SHE WAS 12 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME BUT MY SCARS MY EXTRA LBS AND CURVES AND MY SPIRIT MAKE ME THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I AM , THERE AINT NO OTHER ALICIA LIKE ME AND NO ONE ABSOLUTLEY NO ONE ESPECIALLY NOT GARBAGE CAN TAKE THAT FROM ME!"
Women have soooooooooooooooooooooo much unharnessed power it is ridiculous how I let it go to waste for far toooooooo, toooooooooooooooo long!

So he was just talking S*** ,But yeah thanks for the reminder ACTUALLY, he will be home this weekend and I will say something. HE likes to talk "MACHO" when he gets the chance,,, I hate it actually and then when he is in my hands he melts.. Yep this new me while he enjoys it scares him for sure now that I think @ it more!
When he took me to the jobsite my last day with him,, I had on a pretty shirt and jacket and a very feminine skirt on very ladylike and some heels ( classy of course!!) I guess they were staring at me ( I honestly never noticed!) and he walked up to me near his truck and said "THOSE GUYS ( HOMEOWNER AND SALES REP)ARE SUPPOSED TO WATCHING THE JOB NOT YOU!!!!" ( IN A FRUSTRATED/pouting VOICE ) I JUST SMILED AT HIM AND KISSED HIS LIPS.. and said " oh honey, I am all yours..." That was a huge 180 for me the old me would have apologized... not anymore~

Thanks COG for being proud of me and all the compliments your words have touched me and my hard work to change all this in me have reaped benefits for not just my H but for myself and my kids,, he gets stronger when I love him like this and love me too.
You have helped me more than you will ever know,, the sky is the limit and I can tell that he wants to keep up with all this growth,,, I love it....
Yeah he hit a road block and I hit it with him and then I realized I just need to get even better at this and stronger and he can come wtih me all the days of my life or I can grow alone and he will miss all the beauty that we have as a couple. Remember I told him this... You can lie to yourself but not to your heart... We are good together.
If people saw M as a blessing instead of "OMG I am shackled to this" WOW what this world would be like... JUST AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL!
I DARE SAY,, he will have to grow one way or another,, as the days go by I am firmer in my belief that to his core he loves me and he loves me even more than he cares to let on sometimes,, so he will grow wether he means to or not. I have waited 10 years for this and when I stopped waiting and took the risk this beauty in me unfolded ....and he is stronger b/c of me!
GOD BLESS...

Wow that was beautiful. I to need to love me thank-you for writing how you feel

Thank you Colleen ~ YES you need to love you... sounds easy and I suppose for some people it is. For me it has not been and there are still these little doubts that pop up in my mind and yet I keep on. I was never really loved as as a child not like I should have been ,, so it has been an uphill battle but if I can do it anyone can. LOVE you and take care of you and be the Goddess ~ God blessed every Woman to be and you will be on your way.
God bless....

I am so proud of myself~ yesterday I went to the "pond" ( my cousins man made pond) and I had a blast with my kids and I realized while I was there that almost exactly a year ago I was there with my kids and my life was just ~CRAZY~ .... MY H was coming on the weekends and being a WAS and yet trying to hold onto me at the same time. It was messed up to say the least. I thought @ this when we were there and realized ~H*LY **** I never thought I would have made it and that was it I let it go,,, no obsessing for hours thinking about it.
A few nites ago I had a dream that my H was up to no good ( CHEATING ON ME ONCE AGAIN) and my normal response is ok well you made a mistake now I have to accept it and change AGAIN........ BLAH BLAH BLAH.....
And sure I have forgiven him in the past but something in me IS definitely changing and IN my dream I was not ugly but I told him to be happy lying to himself but as for me I was on my way,,, I am beautiful AND I will not live like this anymore!

~WOW~ and IN my dream ,,, I also stood up to my Aunt who has been always having her way with me with no respect really for me or many others she acts very much @ 46 like a very spoiled 3 year old.

When I woke up crazy as it sounds I knew ~~~~~~ I am really on my way... I am arriving,,, I aint gonna take no sh*t anymore and not in a b*tchy way but in way that say I am important too and D*mn it,,, I am going to be treated that way or you have no reason to be a part of my life. For everyone not just my H . I used to think if I loved God then I must accept everything at face value and just turn the other cheek and it was making me miserable and people use me TO WIPE THEIR FEET WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Dad tried to tell me years ago that that was not GODS plan and I never got it til I fell flat on my face from loving everyone but me for too D*MN LONG!!!!!!!!! How could my H keep filling me up and I just wring my hands when things don't work~?
I needed to get dirty and get in the game and stand up for me and what is inherently mine. I was tired of my Aunt and her comments and MY H's disrespect and yet until I commanded it I was getting nowhere FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taking my own power back feels so darn good it is hard to explain and funny I taught all my kids not to be disrepected like it was GOSPEL and yet I allowed others to walk all over me.
Since this happened to me ( the bomb) I only have one close friend left and it is ok1!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not JUNK and refuse to allow myself to be treated that way ,,, I am 36 and I am not gonna be here forever it is time I started enjoying my life !!!!!
I am worth it and when the demons in my head try to make me think of the OW ( and is she really a WOMAN does she even know the meaning of the word ( DOUBT IT) and for sure a LADY she is not or negative thoughts of me or what my hubby may be up to,,, I let them go and trust in GOD. NOT FOOLISHLY ,, but with faith in my heart. I will be the loving , caring , beauty I am but refuse to sit by and be treated like JUNK anymore!
IT is not ok ,, you CAN love unconditionally and detach w/o being treated like JUNK!
GOD BLESS US ALL......