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TGF

Things have really gone from bad to worse. I am struggling with how quick everything is happening. Can you explain why there is such a rush to leave?

He has found an apt., signed a lease and is moving out next week. He is out furniture shopping now. We have had no fights since he dropped the ILYBNILWY speech in early July. He wants to file for divorce immediately. Can you explain why he is in such a hurry? Is it because he thinks the pain will end quicker?

I can sympathize w/ your wife w/ the breakouts. Many years ago I was the WAW for a brief period & even though I thought I was in control of it all, I broke out badly on my face & had to get my first chemical peel b/c it was so bad. Now my H is the WAH & I am breaking out again but on my back this time!

w8ing,
wow, my h is beating yours to the punch-leaving this saturday!! Can you say mind blowing! He can't get out fast enough. I know all my emotions are not helping; probably pushing him but its SO f****ing fast and devasting to my feelings. So so raw. Do they have any feelings left in there at all guys? Really? I said to h that I know in my heart they are buried in him somewhere, deep down but he has/is pushing them so far deeper to not even try to see or feel them. Its hard to imagine anything postive right now, my entire life is about to change. Simply gut wenching.

W8ing,

When things were real bad early in the year, from the time I announced leaving until the time I did was only about a week. The reason I hurried and it could be the same for your H, is I need to get on with my life. This is my life now, I hate it but I might as well get use to it. Their also becomes a belief that if one is not faced with a problem every day it will go away.

I do not know how long it will take, but if you back off and just deal with you and the kids he will probably come to realize running from the issue doesn't help, in fact for most it makes it worse.

It is gut wrenching and I feel for you. Chances are he has feelings and your H. believes this will take away the pain.

Let me bring those interested up to speed. Yesterday I sent her an email, like I did before, basically saying would you like to talk about the schedule for the weekend since family is coming in and I have a procedure coming up next weekend. I also said maybe we could talk some tonight since we will be busy all weekend. No reply of course, when we had a chance she said you always pick bad days I am tired. I said okay, she indicated that she was late coming home from work last night and only had 4 hrs of sleep. Well fact is she had enough energy to talk to her Male friend at 1 in the morning Wednesday but not enough to discuss our situation. Well I could not get out of my own way, I said it appears you have made a choice to put others in front of us yet again.

By the way that is my issue from all along it seems that other circumstances or people get first billing instead of our R. That has been an issue for me for about 5 years and until recently have expressed my displeasure with it. My fault I know but still my preception. When I said how come you have time for others and not us, she got defensive and said I am tired of living like this. I said we don't have to live like this, it is a choice we are making. Not bad, but she said something else and since her mannerisms where indicating her irriation with me, I imploded and said you can file when ever you are ready I won't stand in your way.

Then I walked past the room about 10 minutes later and said if I can't express how I feel sometimes then what in the world are we doing. She said it just makes me mad because I did not ask for this and I don't want to give you more than I want to give you. I said that is fine and wished her goodnight.

Bottom line is punishment is the name of the game along with selfishness. When I was the one who was unsure she would wake me up at two in the morning and I would talk until 4 am, I go to work at 5 am. Whenever she wanted to talk about it I made myself available. It is funny how what is good for the gander is not necessarily good for the goose. I am very frustrated by last nights events and irritated with the selfishness on her part and to some extent on my part.

Some days are okay and some are not, I just try and curb emotion, I am sure there are times when you just feel like you get kicked in the private place over and over. This is why so many people give up because the road back can be twice as hard unless both are committed to it. Hang in there folks I am sure there is light at the end of the tunnle.

You aren't kidding, TGF. I really wonder if I have what it takes to stay in this thing. I know it is going to get worse, not sure how and when, but if my timetable is any indication it will be soon.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. When do you know that it isn't MLC and just a bad marriage? I keep wondering if he is just really unhappy and I am using MLC as an excuse...

w8ing,

You were married for 15 years, you have children, I don't buy it was an unhappy marriage otherwise it would not have lasted that long. My mother threw out my biological father when I was 4 years old and my brother was 1. They were married about 4.5 years. Call it MLC, call it depression or confusion, call it what you want, bottom line something happens or doesn't happen and it causes people to examine everything in life. Hang in there if you think it is worth it.

I will be honest I am in a lousy mood today and right now don't feel very confident about anything. However I also know that this will pass soon. I always take a few days to let my high's and low's pass. Normally I do my best thinking and DB when I am calm. Anxiety and fear of the outcome are the enemy, the enemy uses these emotions to cause doubt and pain.

Do not allow the enemy to accomplish their goals, their goal is to make you forget that we are loved every day, and we should love others and ourselves, the way we are loved. Let your stress and fear pass, they will come back but know they will not be there for ever. In the end no matter what is thrown at you, you will be given what you need to get through it.

By the way on the subject of my parents not working it out and the divorce games that were played on both sides. I can assure you that kids want their parents together and it is very selfish for parents not to do what they can to save the family, with the exception of when the situation endangers the children. Such as physical abuse or drugs in the home. Just my opinion.

GF,
I find you story/posts to be very insightful to say the least. I sincerely thank you for your strength to share your feelings and wisdom with us. It must be hard since you are facing so much pain as well.

As far as my sad saga continues; H is headed out the door and soon-this sat. He leaves me so confused even now, he is so damn hurtful last night and this a.m. shows empathy and remorse for 'what he has to do' to me and our family. Held my hand and said he's sorry. I think he's just trying to relieve his guilty conscience personally. H asked if "I'm ok" for when he leaves etc. I said of course I will be, but this isn't MY choice its yours. I said I do understand your in pain and its not easy for h either and that he needs to figure it out his way but he's had all this time to think and strategize his moves and I've had days! I told him I now know I can't talk him out of it and will pick up the pieces here at home that he leaves in his wake. I said I really didn't mean for that to come out to place guilt on him purposefully but it is what it is. Me and my beautiful family will be forever changed! My heart is SO heavy right now...

Hbt,

It is difficult when you are the one who doesn't have time to plan out your next move. When a bomb or whatever is dropped on you. Hopefully this helps, when I left I planned it out also, doesn't mean I knew it was best, I just believed it to be the only answer at the time. Just because they leave does not mean they won't come back.

It is strange, when we are incapable of giving ourselves to the other, we tend to run away. It takes people time but again most learn you can't run away from yourself or your family. Mainly because we realize our family is really a piece of ourselves. Once you put things into perspective and it takes time I know, then it will get easier. Not all the time but most of the time. If you want it to work out between you find a way to keep something, a memory or something so you don't close your heart and feelings completely to him.

I don't know for sure, but I suspect you two will be given a chance, just trust you two will be ready to embrace that chance. I wish the best for you and your family. I will get over to your thread and read it.

My H seems to be very involved with his OW right now. I know he ran from our sitch because he didn't know what else to do and getting involved with her seemed like the best choice because she was making him happy when I wasn't and had enough of the problems between us. Not that running is ever the choice but talking things out would have been better but I don't think he knew how to vocalize it.

Now he is telling our friends that he has never been happier. Told my friend when she talked to him about it and going to MC. He said he would have maybe been up to it a few years ago but now. He told her that he couldn't stay any longer because he couldn't keeping drinking beers and whiskey just to pass out. I didn't drive him to that by fighting with him or nagging him all the time. I think he started it because he just didn't know how to deal with the difficulty between us. I just withdrew intimatally with him because of it. I am sure also him carrying on a PA with someone and coming home and acting like things were normal were also causing him to drink alot more heavily.

This just goes to show how not communicating your feelings in a R can be so destructive. He seems content now with the ways things are that I have a hard time believing that he would ever want to come back. He doesn't think that we can go back. I don't want to go back to our old M but move forward. The only thing I can hope for is that she will tire of him and maybe then he will want to come back. He more the type tho to just run from a problem and keep running instead of trying to fix things.