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No she never really has acted jealous. When we first started dating about half of my close friends were women. Some of them were even ex-girlfriends. She fit right in with everyone and it was never an issue.

Steel,
Just keep validating those feelings of hers and reinforcing that you want her back. Someone posted elsewhere, and I forgot to save it, that the WAS is scared of coming back -- what if THEY are rejected. She may be fishing for reassurance.

BD

THanks BD.

I hope that that is what I've been doing. I'm just not really sure how to do it differently.

I'll just sit down, put on my seatbelt, and keep my hands inside the ride at all times until I know more.

Steel,
I just finished reading through your posts. Wow, it looks like things have progressed very well for you! Congrats.
So how have things been going? Have you gone to or brought up C again?
I know you posted on one of my threads that you felt you were backsliding...feel free to give us an update. Hang in there!

Journaling, venting, sitrep

Alright, I have been slipping. I guess that to have realized this, is a good thing, but I have to fix it.

W returned from work trip late wednesday night. I had dropped her off at the airport on Sunday so I picked her up. It was late 12am and I had been up since 5am so I was tired. She wasn't the same as when she left. She wasn't really smiling and she didn't give me a hug when she got to the vehicle. Instead she handed me her backpack and said she had to go back in because the luggage was delayed, turned around and walked off. I attributed it to her being tired too. When she got back she said hi and started talking about work.(wheee) Any way, after a few minutes she reached over and held my hand while she talked We go home and around 1:30am and I was exhausted and stll had to get back up for work at 5am again. So there wasn't alot of talk or convo. I went to bed, she snuggled with the kids for a while and then crawled in with me. It was awkward I couldn't relax and go back to sleep.
Went to work - uneventful other than fighting to not crash.

I left a little early and picked up some furniture that had come in for her. The store called me for some reason to try and set up a delivery. It was just an ottoman so I pick ed it up and delivered to her place for her. She wasn't there so, I figured I could just go in set it up and leave and then it would be a little something nice when she got home, without me there to expect anything from it.

She didn't go to her condo thursday again, she stayed and talked after helping put the kids to bed. One thing of note from the conversation was that she said that she purposely didn't hug or kiss me at the airport. She felt we were "getting to close", or "moving to fast" or something to that effect. I said that I had noticed but that it was ok that she was a little distant, I understood that she needed to move slowly. I have to admit that I wondered what brought on the change, especially since things were so good when she left and this is immediately after a trip out of town. OM? (this will be addressed further down) We watched part of a movie together but wound up not finishing it, and going to bed. She stayed over again and this time it wasn't awkward, actually it turned into sex. I was off of work on friday so I tried to get a few things done, changed my brakes and checked out a couple of things on the truck. Of course as we decide to all go get lunch, it dies and now needs a new battery. Turns out it died when she had it on her trip, and she forgot to tell me about it. We switch vehicles and go to eat. After, she and D6 decide to get their nails done,(more W than D) so S4 and I run back to house to try and jump start the truck.

Here is where the screwing up starts. I get back and find that W has left her purse and phone in my truck. I'm weak, I suck, I know better, and I've done so well since June - I looked. W is still in contact with OM, phone calls, texts, & now pic & video messages. So much for the whole it was a mistake and she doesn't want to see him anymore (per friend). I know it shouldn't change things but it does. I'm now in a pissy mood and have to go back and pick up W&D from nail place to go pick up school uniforms. I try to act as if nothing is wrong (not very convincingly). She asks what is the matter, why am I in a bad mood? I am able to explain it off as the dead truck and that I need to go to the gym. I've missed tha last 2 days and it's beginning to affect my mood. She seemed to buy it. A little later when everyone is getting ready to go to an event and meet with a bunch of our friends, I explained to her that I am going to bail and go to the gym first and will meet up with them after. She agreed that it was probably a good idea and tha she would see me later. She asked again if it was something she did. I lied/told the truth. I said that no it was something that I was dealing with, I got some things in my head that I needed to clear out and would be fine later. Strangely this turned into sex. I feel guilty though, it was almost a marking my territory type of thing. Not a building block by any means. It was good, bad, odd, completely confusing, and a little disconcerting.
I went to the gym and they went to meet up with the friends. I met with them later and everyone had a good time. W asked if I minded if she and the kids stayed at the house again. I said no I didn't mind, but later that night I was planning to split away to meet up with another buddy to have a beer and discuss our training schedule until the triathlon. That fits right in with the rest of my duality plagued life, discuss tri training over beer, right? I got home about 1am and W was at the house still awake watching a movie. I saw this as a good thing and it was. She wanted to stay up and see me.

Saturday was fairly uneventful between us.

Sunday I went canoeing with some friends and some of them got lost (don't ask) so I didn't get back in town until 10pm instead of about 6. W called to find out what was going on around 8, I explained, and asked if I could come by condo to see the kids when I got back.
She said sure and when I got there she lit into me with both barrels. She was mad at me for going canoeing, mad that I was getting back so late, and couldn't believe that I wasn't around considering D6 starts school Monday. She wanted to do something to make it special. I apologized that I was so late, but I did not have control over it. I rode with others and there was nothing I could do. I told her I understood that she was upset and that I was sorry she felt that way. (I said nothing about her missing birthdays, swim meets, school functions, family functions and more, because she was out of town for work, or OM, or both!) I explained that I had intended to be back much earlier and that she never told me anything about wanting to do something special, so how was I supposed to know. I also explained that I had planned to Monday morning off so that I could go with D for her first day back. She forgot that I had said that previously. I weathered the storm, and thought I handled it fairly well.

The next morning, I come over and help to get kids up and dressed and ready for school. While I am walking into W's bedroom gathering kids clothes, she is changing in the closet. She walked out half dressed and I commented on her looking good and made also about it apparently being cold. Ok I was joking, and it probably wasn't the best timing, but WOW, she lashed out about me always grabbing at her when she is trying to get ready, and how she doesn't have time for this right now, she is trying to get the kids to school. Keep in mind, I am on the other side of the room and the only way I would be able to grab on her at this moment is if I was Stretch Armstrong. I have gotten both kids dressed, I have them eating breakfast, I have filled out their paperwork, I have not gone to work so that I could come over and help. Other than pulling out 2 boxs of cereal all she has been doing is getting dressed and putting on makeup, but I am preventing her from getting ready. I should have tried to DB but didn't. I commented on her warped senses seeing as grabbing on her would typically require me being technically in the same damn room, and went back out to finish getting the kids dressed.
After they were all loaded up in her car - I went to work.

Last night I saw them at the gym, the kids had swim team practice. I went to the condo after to tell the kids good night. W wanted to talk but I wasn't in the mood. I did tell her that I had one thing I wanted to clear up. In the morning I had said that "I was aggravated by the fact that she had stayed at my house all week and I had changed my plans to fit around that, but then when I did go and do something for myself (canoe trip) this was what I got." I told her that I realized through the day that what I said came out saying something other that what I intended. I explained that first I was not aggravated that she stayed at the house, I was glad that she had. Second, I had enjoyed the days with her, and that the plans that I had changed were not the issue. I had changed them myself and had wanted to do it. I had been hurt by her comment about me grabbing at her and preventing her from getting ready (I see this as her pulling out past grievances) when I was obviously not, and had bit back. I did understand that she had forewarned me that she was in a bad mood the night before and I hadn't realized that it had carried through to the next day. Knowing this I could see how I might have aggravated her.(but not to the level that she reacted) I apologized and dropped it.

She commented that she felt like the last couple of days we had gone backwards. I said that yes it did feel that way but that it was OK, it is not going to be a easy thing and occasionaly things like this were going to happen, its how we deal with them that matters.

This morning I went over again to bring S4 to his first day of school. Everything went well, they were dressed when I got there and biscuits were almost ready. We took some pictures and off we went. We brought him to school and he was the big boy and wanted to do it all by himself. On the way back her work schedule came up. I asked what her plan/schedule was looking like for a while so that I can try to see what I need to work around with my work. She got defensive and it almost turned into an argument. It seems like any time I ask something about work or question something she gets defensive and angry. As long as she is the one talking about her job and her schedule it's fine. Its just when I start asking questions that she gets hostile. I don't think that I am asking in a way that is accusatory, but maybe I am.

I think I am going to stay away from her the rest of the week.

Hey not an ex yet. Thanks for checking in but don't be quick to congratulate me. As you can see it's not always smooth. I am definitely facing an uphill battle at the moment. Unfortunately I think a lot of the battle is with me.



Nope, I'm not going to, although now might be the best time! I think I may make an appt for me and not wait on her anymore though. My issues are beginning to raise their head and yell for attention.

For everyone out there let this be a lesson. Things were steadily improving. - I had a moment of weakness and snooped - I'm now trying to recover out of a tailspin.

I had been doing really well about it too. I even saw her journal laying out when I brought some things over to her place. I was tempted, but didn't touch it. I was proud of myself and felt even better about being able to walk away from it because I wasbigger than that. Only to follow up with this, I feel worse than I have in a while because this time I brought it on myself.

Well so much for staying away from her. I got a call from W and had to leave work a little early because her car started acting up. She had just picked up the kids from school and was on the way to her condo when it acted up. Of course when I get there it is working fine, so we drove it to the shop. Hopefully it is just a sensor and not a big deal. Since I ran out to get them and had a meeting last night I missed my swim training. I'm not upset with anybody about it, just that I can't afford to miss any more. While dropping of her car, she started talking about getting a rental until it was fixed. I volunteered to let her use my truck and I would just ride my motorcycle to and from work. Hopefully it doesn't rain

I brought everyone back to her condo and was going to go to my meeting. Since we were currently limited to one vehicle I offered to let her drop me off at my meeting so the kids could go to swim team practice, and then swing by and get me after. She declined, but D6 wanted to go swimming so I dropped her off and picked her back up after my meeting.

i figured that since I was going to go back to the condo I would make the best of it. I was going to try to work on my PMA and put my emotions to the side again. She has seemed to be trying to connect the last couple of days, but I'm the distant one. The whole OM thing hit me pretty hard. When I got back to the condo W had a plate set out for me and asked me to join them for dinner. Things are off to a good start. While eating she mentioned getting my motorcycle. I said that yes I needed to. She got up and called her cousin to see if he would come and get me to bring me home to get it. At this point I am aggravated to say the least. I have just given up the majority of my free time for the day to help her out. I have given her my truck so that she doesn't have to rent something, but it is to much trouble to drive me less than 2 miles home! (btw the motorcycle will be miserable for my hour commute - yesterday's heat index was 114 today it will be b*tt-@ss hot again until the thunderstorms roll in right about the time I'll be driving home!)

Am I being unreasonable? Does this just appear completely self centered and unaware to anyone else?

Well my ride shows up. I pick up my gym bag and a couple of work items from my truck. She gives me a hug and asks me if I am going to come back.
I just said no, and left it at that. If she had asked I would have said that it was getting late and that I needed to get some things done at my house before going to bed.

I'm not sure how to react, I'm trying, but I seem to be getting more and more apathetic
Should I keep trying to work on this right now, or am I only going to make it worse? I feel like she is trying, at least when I'm around, but that might change if I can't get my hands around my lack of PMA right now. Should I take a break, if I continue to pull away, will she chase or give up again. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TinFoil_Box

Once again I have decided to enter the fray and let everyone flogg me into shape.

W is currently out of town, she left Sunday morning and will be back wednesday. It is probably good right now, because it is giving me some time to myself. She called last night and spoke to the kids and then she and I talked for a couple of minutes. It was a light conversation about various things going on and at some point I cracked some joke. She was laughing about it and was telling me good bye when she threw in an ILY at the end. I don't remember what exactly what I said, it was light and casual, but it was not ILY. A little while later I thought about it because this is the second time that I have not responded with an ILY. I don't think it is a case of conditioning myself not to say it, because that feels different, this almost seemed like a true feeling, or lack of that feeling more to the point.

My question is this. In the fake it til you make it category, should I respond to an ILY with one, even if I don't feel that way right now? If I don't say it, over time could that harm the progress that has been made?

I do still love my W, it is just not so forthcoming anymore.

Another issue that is on the horizon is that Aug 30 is the 1 year annniv. of my Dad's death. It was quite traumatic for all of us. He contracted West Nile and spent 30 days in ICU before he passed away. (It's safe to say this last year has been very difficult)

As far as I know my sister is still very mad at W for all of the pain that she has put the kids and me through. My Mom also has some issues with W too because I was not able to be around for her after his death due to W traveling. Mom can put things to the side, she is an amazing rock sometimes, she has already told me that if we are able to work through this that she will be able to forgive W and move on. However I don't know if sister will be able to do the same. I have not spoken to sister about how she feels yet, she may have softened some recently.

I am torn on this matter because it will be an emotional weekend no matter what, but if S & W have added tension then it will be that much worse. I know how much it will hurt W to be excluded, but seeing as she made the choice to be outside of the family, if S isn't comfortable with her there then I will ask W not to come.

If it comes down to me having to ask her not to come, maybe I can do something seperate with W at some point during weekend. I just don't know if this would soften the blow, or add insult to injury.

Can anyone think of another way?

Steel,

Tough Questions!

#1: I would respond with an ILY. I understand what you are saying but that would be my response.

#2: Is there anyway you can talk to S and let her know that you would like things to work out with your W and to be on her best behavior for you. This is your and your W's issue...I think family has to stay out of it. They end up complicating the sitch even more.

I know! I wish I wouldn't have told any family until I absolutely had to.

Matt