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Waw1978, I would like to reiterate how good it is to read what a WAW may be thinking. Sometimes my W just seems so cold, like she doesn't have a care in the world, and other times the emotions come out, like when she told me to stop trying that it was going to workout, that was the first time I've heard her cry in a month.

WAW, foregive me if this has been asked or answered, but what would it take for you to feel differently about this? What would have to change/be said/be done/not done in order for you to (slowly, o/c) let go of the anger & hurt?

[You know, the weirdest thing is that when I read your posts, I want to cry b/c i hear my H's voice speaking your words.]

j

And I hear my W.

And my W too!

Hey Stillme!

I don't know exactly what it will take for me to recoup the love for my H. For starters he needs to back off right now, I have pretty much resigned myself to being "emotionally divorced" from him, it was the only way to protect myself after years of hurting. once i did that, what he did and said no longer mattered as I wasn't emotionally or physically attached or connected to him anymore. He needs to stop trying to control me, tring to mold me into the person he wants me to be and start loving me, really loving me for who I am. He needs to start supporting my decisions, my wants, my dreams and stop being a selfish SOB always putting himself, his family and even our daughter above me on his priority list. Right now he is not doing this. He needs to start validating that I am the person he loves, not this person he tried to make me for years. he has yet to be able to acknowledge whether this is even possible for him.

Those are just the beginning of what would sway me. But he is no where near this yet. Most recently having me spend time with his family and outright lie to save face was very selfish of him. he never should have asked or expected that, but he did. And I caved! I have a lack of boundaries with him which lead to much of this marital discord. I let him get away with this stuff and I own that outright. Thats something I need to change on my part. I need to stop trying to be someone he can love. Either he does or he doesn't but I can't keep trying to be someone I am not just to please him.

Waw
As usual, your comments hit close to home. Real quick, how is he supposed to put you at the top of the list and Love you or show you he does when you basically cant stand to have him around and uou want him to "completely" back off. This is where I and most like other men with WAWs are so condused???

Hey CVA! Good morning to ya>

Okay CVA. I understand the confusion. The need for him to back off is because his need to control me is one of our main issues. By backing off it shows that he is able to relinquish this. This is very important to us regaining equal footing in the M. As far as putting me ahead of these other people in his life this is not something that will happen right away. The best way for him to show me this right now in the present is to let me have my space, as much and as long as I need it. This would show that he is putting my needs above his own. Because LBS generally are reluctant to give the WAW the space they need. Not sure if this makes sense? Best way I can describe it.

Hi WAW. I've been reading through this and have a question for you.
I'll give you a quick rundown of my sitch. My WAW dropped the 1st bomb on me 4/7. Everything you've been saying about needing space and being confused about what you want rings true to what she has said. I have given her as much space as I can, considering our D6 & S4. She moved out & I have really GAL and am enjoying the new me that is not relying on her for my happiness. Things have been improving slowly but she had not been much on working on the R and I have not brought it up. She has been away on a trip with the kids for the last 2 weeks

What I would like a little insight on is that she called me the other day and asked if I would be willing to go to counseling with her. Up until now she hasn't really shown much interest in it. I am quite happy that she wants to do this, but am not sure how to react/handle this. I don't want to get overly excited, and to seem to eager and somehow project that all of the changes I have made were temporary but at the same time I don't want to stay so detached that I come across cold or unwilling to try.

Thanks
-Steel

Welcome to DB. Glad you found this site. Folks on here are really great and very supportive.

Sounds like you have been doing a good job DB’ing so far. Great news that your W called you and initiated the request for MC. This is good progress! I would definitely go with her to MC and go with an open mind. Changes do not happen overnight so keep up what you have been doing if its sincere, in time she will know that. But you must stay detached for now. The detachment may be a big part of why you are making progress. You must continue to give her the space she needs. Go to the MC sessions, don’t act overly excited but make sure she knows you are on board. Let her know that you are interested in seeing the MC together and working on your issues. There is a huge difference between being detached and being cold. One is def not the same as the other. I would act as you have been. Obviously your W isn’t seeing this as cold or she would not have reached out and asked you to attend MC with her. This is a great opportunity for the two of you. You are both willing to try so just be patient and don’t rush things. Good luck! Keep us posted with your progress.

Thanks WAW for your insight. I am planning on going to MC, and I do realize the opportunity in front of me.

And for what its worth, I definitely fell into the trap of feeling her slipping away, so I tried to hold on harder which cycled into a downward spiral. It took me a while to realize how bad I was screwing up with my attemps to "fix" things with my W. But I did get it eventually. So, just hold on, you never know when the switch will flip and your H will "get it"

Steel