Thanks every one for the support , but I still make the odd blunder.
I got home tonight and W's Car is in drive. Go in and she has prepared dinner , third night in a row. Anyway she tells me about her work which is not going so well at present , same story from last 2 nights so I listen for a polite amount of time and then change the subject noticing a picture D painted. I then said to W " you do not need to keep preparing dinner for us you know" W said "but you dont always get home early" and I said " It wont hurt if dinner is 1/2 hour later " well then the tears started and she said goodbye to kids and hurried off . I sent her a Txt later appologising for being insensitive. but never got a reply.
Her LL being acts of service means I just handed her a big rejection , I guess at a delicate time.
I feel realy bad about hurting her because she dosn't cry easily. I guess it was a stark reminder to her that she left this family of her own decision and that I am able to get along without her help. Also that she cant be separated and expect to control whats happening at home as well.
I know its something I needed to do but I never thought she would take it so hard and why in heck to I feel so bad about doing it?
Oh yeah Sunny , I love Neil Youngs music , W hates it so I get to listen to it a lot more these days.
No never said that to her , I have never asked her to come back either. She knows I did not want her to go.
What I do not want is her comming back too soon and settling back in just because its comfortable without any effort to work on us. There is no way I want a repeat of the last 7/8 yrs.
That last comment I made sounded very insensitve as I didn't read your previous post about your W at home making dinner etc. So sorry about that. I guess it is a bit of being cruel to be kind sort of, but as you said you this is the reality of the situation and I guess a bit of a reality check for her is probably a good thing.
Me 45 H 45 D 27 Not living at home D 21 At home S 19 At home D 17 At home M 22yrs Togther 25yrs Bomb 17 July 2007
thats OK , it was a valid question. I dont know , the logic in me says it was not such a bad thing but I feel quite bad about the reaction I got , it hit way harder than I ever intended.
Then I think this is realy small when compared with the rejections I have had from her over the last year and more , Telling me I should leave , I dont love you etc etc. Her sleeping with OM and then leaving . All through this I have continued to consider her feelings.
Until she can openly admit how her actions have affected those around her I dont see how we move forward.
Look at Nomo's thread--there is a good quote there about letting them feel the pain, as hard as it is to watch. I think you did do the right (although incredibly hard) thing, there. I went through 5 months of H's cake-eating, and he is only now starting to feel bad (still all about missing the kids, but he has admitted to missing me, too. Wonder how when he is still seeing his CW girlfriend at least three days a week...)
That doesn't sound like a blunder to me. She's been doing this pretty much shortly after she left and, like you said in one of your first posts on this thread, somebody must've sprayed weedkiller on the grass on the other side of the fence.
All I've got to say is that you're honey and she's a fly. She looks very unsure of the decision that she's made.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Seems that your W doesn't like the focus to be off of her, even though she left the family. As Donna mentions, maybe this is necessary for her to feel the effects.
You feel bad about it b/c you're a wonderful, caring human being & empathsize w/ those in pain, even if it might be of their own doing.
Quote:
I love Neil Youngs music , W hates it so I get to listen to it a lot more these days
Somehow I knew that. I love all kinds of music, but he's one of my favorites. Was a Dead Head in a previous life.
(((Dave)))
Sunny
*Still think your wife will wake up. I hope she's not too late when she does. Dinner 3 nights in a row.......
Shes very unsure , thats a given. Sometimes I wish I could figure out what she is thinking.
I actualy have been to her place for the last two hours helping her learn how to deal with her problems at work. I actualy have got tired of hearing about this stuff over the last week and sent her a TXT , It said " I can help you learn how to deal with your work problems , Phone me " I didnt expect a reply but I was not home for a few minutes and she phoned. As I have in the past managed staff I presented it to her as a management problem. It was difficult to get her to adjust her point of view from victim to goal setting. She has been placed in a position she does not want , and has been making it known through her attitude at work. I think I have convinced her that is she stays on that path it will make her a problem that will need to be dealt with in some way. She was worried that if she showed a good attitude they would think she is happy and leave her there. I got her onto thinking about her Goals and used " fake it till you make it " , " ask for what you want " . " you can only control yourself " and other good DB'ing stuff. She kept drifting back to self pity and I kept dragging her back to her Goal. She would say , I will just tell them to shove thier job. I said draw up a list of positives. If you leave you are going to be in a much worse position. I think I actualy got through.
I have a motive for this if I can get her to deal with this problem in an effective manner then a little may rub off with regards to dealing with her other problem ( me ) .
Sunny
Quote:
Was a Dead Head in a previous life.
I still am ...LOL
I also have a big preference for Vinyl , Music is one thing that I realy enjoy and has been an Oasis of tranquility for me. I have a wide range of tastes and what gets a spin realy depends on my mood.
