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Thanks Atlas -- not sure that W will be elated, but I think she will be moved (hope so anyway). I occasionally get this image of her opening it, rolling her eyes and thinking to herself, "Can't he just move on and quit doing this stuff?!". I don't think she's at that place anymore, but it sure scares me that she could be.



I completely agree with you -- thanks for the reinforcement!


Well, I went and worked out this evening and from there headed to W and OM's place to pick up my kids. Things went well, and I kept my upbeat Act As If attitude, and exuted a little confidence too. Made sure I looked good too (and it certainly helped that I just worked out -- you know, muscles swollen up and all that!). I actually ran into an old student of mine at the gym (also coached him for wrestling), and he made a comment about how it looked like I had gotten bigger (from 139 to 163 now), and I was happy to again hear it from a new source.

Anyway, W and I had some small talk, and she asked me where I was going again this weekend. I told her Seattle, adding that I will call her when I get there to let her know where I'm staying, give her the number, etc. She replied by saying, "Or at least let my parents know." I said okay, and that was that. It was pretty obvious that this talk stemmed from the incident last weekend with my raft trip.

We talked about a few other things, and she seemed to linger a bit, trying to remember other things she needed to tell me, telling me about things that were in the bags (like I wouldn't find them -- she has never done this, but it is something that I've done throughout the separation). I then had the kids give W hugs and kisses, loaded them up, and we all waved to her as I drove off. OM's son was outside during all of this too, and we actually had some good interaction too, which I was happy about. Just showing W that I'm in a good enough place with all of this to handle everything thrown my way.

While I was gone, my friends that I always hang out with showed up at my house for my buddy's fiance's lunch break from work. I told them they could go in and hang out, but that I wouldn't be there before they had to leave. When I got home with the kids, I realized that I had made a few mistakes. I had left my laptop open and had left this website open, as well as a window displaying the cell phone charm I just purchased for W. I don't think they saw this site since the window was minimized, but the possibility does concern me. I also left my copy of The 5 LLs out along with some notes, and am hoping that those items went unnoticed too. If my friend's fiance saw any of that stuff, it may very well get back to my W, which will suck to say the least. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'm just paranoid and that nothing will come of it.

Thanks for all of the feedback of late everyone -- you've all been vital in my efforts and decision making (not to mention the PMA!)!

GD

Hey, GD.

You seemed to do great while picking up your kids from W tonight, especially w/ the whole OM part of it there. That surely made a good impression.

I wouldn't worry about what your friends might have found. There is nothing you can do about it anyway. Most likely, anything they found wouldn't make much sense to them anyway. I doubt that any of that would cause you too much trouble.

Thanks Sunny!



This makes a lot of sense, and I have to agree with you that we tend to picture the OP in such a light. I mean, it's easy to do this because we believe our Ss have to have left us for someone great -- why else would they leave us? In my case, the OM came several months later, but it still follows the same logic, I think. I actually try to picture OM doing things that are unattractive, or down right repulsive (it helps me sleep better! ). It helps knowing that I'm much more physically attractive, and I just love the idea of showing up at his house to pick up the kids and looking good and being happy, and then my W having to go back into the house to this Shrek-looking Oaf. I've gotta believe that my consistency with my 180s are getting to W. She's gotta be doing some comparing, but I just don't think I've had enough time for those seeds of doubt to blossom into full blown "I'm sure I've #$%#ed up" flowers. I honestly believe I need a few more months (wish I'd have found DBing earlier!).


Definitely could be some truth to that! I really think that, no matter what the scenario is when she opens the envelope with the charm, it will be a good thing in the long run. Once she finally settles in and really reflects on the decisions she's made, all of these changes and positive actions will come to the forefront -- I have no doubt about this.

Thanks again, Sunny! I'll be checking in with you soon enough!

GD

Thanks Kat!


I'm sure you're right, it's just that my friend's fiance is kind of a big gossiper and has a big mouth, and she might just say something to W if she did in fact see something that raised her curiosity. I'm hoping against it, but you are right that there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

GD

GD

Great to see how under control you are , I would not worry about your friends too much , if they did see they will probably keep to selfs otherwise you will know they were snooping.

Dave

I finally caught up on your sitch.

Lots going on in GD’s world!

As far as the rafting weekend and the situation with W & the kids, it was your weekend with the children, they were your responsibility and you handled this the best you could. I don’t see any reckless or irresponsible behavior in the situation. I can see you were trying to be considerate of your W’s time and space by taking the children with you and leaving them with BF’s sister. Esp since there was some discussion that your W might be working and not available to the children. From the sounds of it, BF’s sister is a capable adult and this should not have been the cause for the alarm your W made it. This was a little overreaction on the W’s part. Probably caused by the hearing it from a third party…Nobody likes to be the last to know anything, let alone information about your own kids.

I do think that you should have at least told W you were taking the kids with you on this trip. I guess that was her big complaint, just not being told. Although I am curious if you had told her, would she have had any objections and how that would be handled?

She will need to get used to you taking the kids with you places on your weekend without “checking in” with her. Its part of the D unfortunately. Each parent has to give up some level of control when the kids are with the other parent.

I think the charm was a great idea. I know you have apologized for the lack of communication but this is a tangible symbol that GD will keep the lines open so to speak. The charm was beautiful by the way! I hope that she opens it in private, rather than in front of OM. But you are right even if she does open it in front of him, there is a good chance he might react like a donkey…only making you look better. Don’t be disappointed if you do not see the charm being worn, she may just tuck it away as a reminder.

Now that you have made this little token to her to show your commitment to communication I would back off on any other gifts/notes etc for a while. Don’t want to make her feel like you are pursuing or crowding.

PS: Did I miss your last stand talk? Did you do that yet or soon

GD,
I really hope that your little gift works like you are hoping. At least, from a woman's point of view, that I think woman are more open to those sort of gestures. One thing that is good is to always feel a little hope to get you through these sort of things. I am pretty much losing all hope at this point as H just called to say that he is filing for D papers. I was hoping that it would not come down to this.

Thanks Dave, waw, and Kelley.

And the common theme in my sitch this week is......Pissed WAW (or Backsliding -- take your pick).


Today was my son's "Special Day" with Dad -- we do these about once a month (D3's is tomorrow). On these special days, one of the kids goes to daycare for the day while the other one and I do fun things together. The day with S5 started out great. We played at the house for a little while, then went to Dairy Queen and had some ice cream sundaes, and then headed down to the Discovery Center (a place that has all sorts of neat gismos, gadgets, inventions, experiments, etc, that kids can play with and check out). Well, we were there for about 10 minutes when daycare called and asked if I knew about a burn on D3's thumb. I said no, is it bad? And they said yeah, it's huge and the blister on it is as big as the thumb itself from the joint up, but that it wasn't that bad this morning and had been getting progressively worse. I asked them what she said about it and they told me she said she burned it on the stove at Mama's house. I was surprised that I hadn't noticed it when I picked her up last night, and was also surprised that neither her nor my W had mentioned it either. Nonetheless, we decided I needed to come get her and maybe take her to the doctor, so S5 and I left the DC and headed to the daycare.

When I got there, they were right -- the blister was enormous and I felt awful for her! I asked Chloe what happened and she said the same thing she told the daycare. I had already made an appt with the doctor, so I took her down there. However, before I did, I called W to talk to her about it and let her know what was going on. Unfortunately, I got her VM so I left a polite message about it (I was frustrated that she didn't tell me about it, but resolved to be nice). At the doctor's office, the doctor said that it looked really bad too, and decided to cut the blister and drain it. D3 was a champ, and only said "Ouch," when the doctor actually cut it. I was so proud of her, and gave her lots of WOA!

When I got home I called W to give her the scoop, and didn't expect what I got next:

W: Hello?
Me: (friendly) Hello.
W: (bitter-sounding) Hi.
Me: Did you get my message?
W: (still bitter) Yeah, did you get mine?
Me: No, my cell phone's dead and recharging.
W: Well, I'll tell you what -- D3 DID NOT burn her thumb at my house! It happened at your friend's sister's house while you were rafting, and she told me it got smashed! I cannot BELIEVE you said it happened with me. I'm so F%$$ing pissed off!
Me: (trying to stay calm) Whoa! Calm down -- I'm sorry. Daycare told me that D3 told them she did it at your house, and when I asked her she told me the same thing. I didn't even see it or know about it until today. I guess it got progressively worse all morning.
W: I didn't see it until last night when I was giving her a bath before you picked them up. She also has some scratches under her chin... (now guilt tripping and insinuating that it was bad they stayed with my friend's sister).
Me: (resigned) I know -- I did see those. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me though. I was only going off of what D3 and daycare said.
W: Yeah, well, it's bullsh!t the way it's making me look so f@#$ing bad! Like I'm the bad parent in all of this!
Me: What are you talking about?
W: (still pissed) I'm talking about with daycare. They probably already think poorly of me -- or us -- because we're getting divorced.
Me: I don't think that's true. I honestly don't get that impression at all.
W: Yeah, well you better tell them that it wasn't my fault and didn't happen at my house.
Me: (beginning to lose my patience, and getting quiet and level with my tone) Okay, I will.
W: (still pissed) Okay.
(PAUSE on both ends)
W: So what did the doctor do?
Me: (same tone, which is obviously not real apologetic or kind anymore) She said it looked bad too. She cut it and drained it, put some special ointment on it, and put a bandaid around it. Said to watch it for infection.
W: Okay.
Me: (D3 bugging me to talk to W) D3 wants to talk to you
W: Okay.
(I hand D3 the phone. After a few seconds, she says that she got the burn at friend's sister's house, confirming what W had sad. She then begins rambling on about random things like my mom being dead (and asking if she'll come back alive), me getting W a flower (referring to that day when we gave it to W while she was sick for a few weeks), me taking her (i.e. D3) to Monkey Do's on her Special Day (a place where they put little girls in princess dresses, give them foo-foo drinks, do up their hair and paint their nails), etc. Then she says goodbye and I get back on the phone.
Me: Hello?
W: Hello. Jesus... (referring to D3's ramblings)
Me: (laughing a little) Yeah, I guess she had a lot to say.
W: (with a small laugh) Yeah, guess so.
Me: (being nice again) So I'm sorry about the misunderstanding. I'll talk to daycare tomorrow and let them know what really happened.
W: Okay. I'm sorry I got so pissed, but the call woke me up so I was irritated anyway, and then to hear that really set me off.
Me: I didn't think I was angry or mean about anything in the message.
W: No, you weren't. It was just the fact that it wasn't what had really happened, that's all.
Me: Okay. (pause) So I'll talk to daycare about it tomorrow.
W: Okay.
Me: And I guess I'll talk to you later.
W: Okay.
Me: Bye.
W: Bye.

Why all the backslides and/or bad scenarios are popping up now, just weeks before the D and right before my last stand talk, I don't know -- but it is seriously bombarding my PMA. It's making me seriously question the charm gift now. If I still do it, I feel like now I have to add a sorry about this event too. Argh! I'm so bummed right now. I could've done a lot better with the talk, and that knowledge is eating at me too.

One thing I did realize during this conversation is that W is feeling really insecure, self-conscious, and guilty about her role in the destruction of the marriage. She has this pre-disposed notion that daycare is pointing fingers at her and dislikes her because she and I are going through a divorce. This tells me that there is a piece of her that says this is the wrong thing to do, because if there wasn't she would be secure in her decision. Whether I did it or she has done it herself, there are definitely seeds of doubt planted IMO. Not that these seeds mean she wants to back out of the D (I actually don't think they do), but they are like weeds growing in her greener grass and she can't seem to get rid of them. They are a nuisance to her. That is my take anyway.

I guess it's back to my GALing and going dark.

(God I hate this stuff)

GD

gd,

i agree, it is defiently eating at her. sorry to hear you had to deal with this. w needs to chill when it comes to the kids, they are too important. but there are defiently some seeds of doubt and they have for sure sprouted. guess it is a matter of whether it makes her think the m is worth it.

hang in there. go dancing.!

Once again GD, I think you did a wonderful job in the convo w/W.
You even got a lil' laugh.

Her anger & upset is just as much about this;



Yes, D-Day is approaching & she's feeling it & there are seeds of doubt IMO also.



Back to work & I do too

Sunny