Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Frustrated and Saddened #2

Hi Stew.

Glad to know your weekend went well albeit with a little glitch.

Vent here as much as you can. You have friends and confidants listening. Don't vent at home because all it will do is pull W away and then put your sitch 2 steps back.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your W is too tired to talk or do stuff with you but when she's out she has a lot of energy. My W does the same. For the two nights she goes out she can stay up until the wee hours but for other nights she uses them to catch up on some rest. In the meantime I (or we) are waiting for a chance to talk, do something, anything. It's worse when we're in the car. She sleeps while I drive. When she finally catches up with rest I'm already too tired late in the day to do other things. We're on opposite ends.

Good luck in the next couple of weeks. At least you'll get plenty of time to spend with the W. Make the most of it. Just play it by ear and watch the alcohol. It really impairs judgment and reason.

Prayers for you.

Thanks BNP. Yeah, somehow I think the next couple of weeks are going to be the turning point for us. Either they will go good and we will start to move along the road to recovery, or they will go badly and then it will be downhill from there.

I still don't think she has made an appointment to see an IC. I gave her the names of three IC's in our area, one of which was the one I saw. I think that the sooner she gets in to see an IC the sooner she can sort things out in her head and therefore, the better chance we have of working this out. I don't know for sure, but suspect that she has some sort of depression. ALthough, I am a bit concerned about the IC. I have heard horrible stories about IC's just giving horrendous advice to people with marital difficulties. For example, when one of my friends' parents were have marital difficulty, his mother went to see an IC, and the woman told her to have an affair to get her H's attention. Just like anything else, you can have a license to proactice but that does not mean you are any good at it.

Stew
Dont worry about the IC and advice. You CANT control it, can you? You have given her names you think would work and that is all you can do!

Good luck and keep us updated

CVA:

You are right. I cannot control the counselor or the advice given. Just airing my concerns. Ultimately I think that her getting in to talk to somebody can only help her and as a result, us. I will keep updating, if only for my sanity. Trying not to show emotions with her one way or another. And I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be interesting to say the least.

I agree, I have offered to pay for a, IC for my W.

Okay.. Could use a little advice.

My sister who recently had the baby has been in the hospital since last Friday night. She has an infection. But she is in the same hospital my W works at. So tonight, after work, I go up to visit my sister. I haven't been there yet because of our trip and last night I did not get out of work until after visiting hours were over.

So I get to the hospital and I am walking towards the hospital from the parking garage. I see someone that looks like my wife (I am about 60 yards away) walking with two guys back into the hospital. One of the guys on the walk back in goes behind her and kind of grabs her in a bear hug from behind. Then breaks it off and walks real close to her. Then about five steps later kind of shoves her playfully. (at this point I feel like I am watching the kindegarden kid with a crush on his classmate, I honestly expected him to pull her hair next). But it is clear that this guy is waaaay too touchy feely with her. (I almost didn't think it was her because it was so excessive). So, I think for a moment (not long enough), and I yell out my W's name. They all stop and look, she kind of stands there for a minute and the two guys go in the hospital and she walks to me. I say (against my better judgment) hey, that guy was kind of touchey feeley with you huh? She tells me its nothing to worry about, that everyone there is like family, and something about her having something on her from sitting on the ledge, so he "was joking around". I told her I didn't find it funny or appropriate. She said, that "he has a girlfriend" and there is nothing to worry about and it's not like that. I am slightly ticked off, so I just basically drop it. She tells me to let her know when I am leaving. I texted her on my way out and she came to meet me. She again told me "don't be weird". I told her I don't appreciate that type of conduct and that I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot, that she would not be happy either. She paused, and shook her head, and said that she was just trying to explain.

Well, I am still not happy about this. I know that it is not evidence of anything, but it just annoys me. This is the same guy that she basically lied to me about the weekend before last where she did not come home at all, by saying that she was not hanging out with him. Then the next day, she comes clean and says she was and had to drop him off at a friends house Saturday night. This is the same person that texts her several times a day. The same person whose text messages are erased when I look at her phone. (I know). She will be home shortly. I think I will try and let this go. But it just burns me so bad. I also don't want her to think that I am stupid. That she can act this way and think I have no clue what is going on.

And looking at this, I don't know that there is much more that I could say that I haven't already. I just don't want her to think I am an idiot. Her mother and the rest of her family thinks that she does not respect me anymore and that fact is actually hurting me.

stew,

alright those are a thoughts, activating thoughts. you see something and it activated your imagination to something further. then you have a b behavior. you say to the wife how you feel. then you have to deal with c consequences.

is she not being truthful, maybe, do you really know? no, you don't. take what you see and thats it, don't let your mind run with it. i really don't think you did much, if at all.

but to help this, next time you have an a thought, you need to knock it out with a d thought. d is going to come in and take it back to reality, maybe they are all like that at the hospital. are they? bring it back to reality and then look again. it has helped me.

Stew,

I'm with Atlas, gotta stop thinking about this. Admittedly, it sounds hella fishy, however, they could be friendly like that in the hospital (she's been there a while, has she mentioned that kind of behavior before?). I'm not terribly touchy-feely with folks other than close friends, but there are folks in my office who are friendly like that and it doesn't mean anything. Just friend stuff. Let me ask you this, a year ago, would this have bothered you?

Hate to bring it up, but if you're in that situation again, hang back a bit. If there was "more" to it than friendship, there probably would have been something a little more intimate than what you described before they walked back into the hospital.

Keep doing you're own thing -- basketball and whatnot. Hope your sister is OK.

And thanks for the thoughts on my thread. I'm really not feeling that nuts, really.

Your trip to Baltimore didn't sound all bad. She got sick. It's not her fault. I've recalled times where we had planned spending time togehter and my W would get sick and I'd get aggravated. It's not an attractive thing to do on our parts. Sounded like you handled things well though.

BD

Okay Stew.

Sorry the Baltimore trip did work out as you planned. It didn’t sound terrible though. Hope your sister gets well soon.

As far as the co-worker situation…I can see why witnessing this exchange has your imagination running wild. You have already done a little snooping and caught your W in some lies/cover-ups regarding this man. I can see why you are concerned. But you have to remember if she is having an inappropriate friendship or more with this man it has nothing to do with you. It’s all about her and her decisions. Don’t beat yourself up about it esp. if there has been not concrete evidence. Put the imagination on pause and continue to work on yourself, GAL and detaching from her.

I know all easier said than done. Keep your chin up.

Good advice. I will try this next time.



I know what you are saying. Just disappointed that she knew we had a big weekend coming and she chose to hang out with her sick friend which basically made the weekend a lot less fun than it should have been because she was sick and slept alot. And I did not let on to her that I was disappointed. That is why I had to post so bad on Saturday night. To get it off my chest, so I didn't say anything to her about it.



The Baltimore trip was not terrible. I still had fun and it was nice just to spend some time together with her. My sister is being discharged tomorrow. They had her on IV antibiotics since last Friday. I understand about my imagination running wild. But, it is the deception that makes it happen. If she would just tell me the truth, like tonight we hung out with so and so, then I would not have a problem with it. But instead, she lies and doesn't mention him, and then the next day I catch her in the lie. If there is nothing for me to worry about, why lie about it. You are right though, if she is doing something inappropriate, it has nothing to do with me. She is the one choosing to live like this. She has to live with the consequences of her choices.

Thanks everyone for the reality check.