Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

WAW, I am on my way into work right now but will post on this when I get there.

I have some thoughts too WAW. Have an IC session this morning, but will be back later. Hang in there.

Nomo

WAW:

Not my area of expertise but I do have colleagues in my office that practice in this area. I ran your situation by them.
With a caveat that this would be how things would pan out under NY law. MA may be different. I also have some questions regarding some issues that could help your case.



The old school attorneys advice is always never leave the home under any circumstances (unless there is physical violence). The issue here is that your H can point to your absence as a sign of abandonment. I may be wrong but it was my understanding that you are home during the day with your D and just leave at night after she goes to bed. Am I right? Do you work full time? How about your H? There is an argument that can be made that there has not been abandonment based upon your answers to these questions.



This is true. It does appear that he is trying to build a case that he is custodial parent. Unfortunately things that don't seem significant (like making her lunch for school) can become an issue. I would not worry too much about what your H is doing and why.



What is the current situation? Do you see your daughter during the day? What are your H's hours?



Unfortunately there is no guarantee what will happen if things go sour. That you only care about your D is apparent and you just don't want to argue with your H in front of your D. You are trying to keep things as stable for her as you can and by you leaving at night, you are accomplishing that.



Unfortunately this is where protecting yourself legally and trying to make the marriage work can come into a bit of a conflict. You are right that if you start doing a tit for tat, that will probably be the end of the M. This is where you have to make a decision. What is more important? Was the attorney aware that your ultimate goal is to try and make the marriage work?

Here are some of the important details:

H & I both work full time, during the day. This has been for the last two years. D attends a full time pre-school program M-F.

First two years of her life I worked part-time evenings and cared for her all day so she would not have to attend daycare. I was the primary caregiver.

For the last two years she has attended full time daycare/pre-school while H & I worked. I attended school 2 times per week during this time. Caregiving duties were shared by H & I.

I used to drop her off daily and H would pick her up until about 2 months ago when H's hours changed. He is working later in the day so he drops her off at school and my Mom picks her up every day since both H & I work until 5PM and cannot make it to the daycare ctr in time.

The atty did know I was ultimately trying to work on our M but he was giving me the standard advice it seems.

I guess I am at an impass...stay in house and continue to feel angry and frustrated with H and never recover the M anyway or leave to try and resolve these feelings and possibly lose my D if things don't work out.

Thank you for weighing in. I feel like I don't have any options right now. The whole visitation/custody issue is weighing on me. Ever since last week when I got the vile email detailing the 3 days he thinks I should have with D its all I think about. I keep thinking that I have to take drastic measures to head off impending disaster. But taking those measures will surely end my M...

Hi 1978,

I only have a minute b/f heading out & wanted to give you some of my thoughts re; child custody.

I went through the court system w/ my S15 when his dad attempted to keep him after his 5 week stay in Hawaii visiting him.

It doesn't always turn nasty, though it is an adversarial process in nature, so does "pit" you against ea other to a degree.

When I read my XH's version of our respective parenting roles I was floored. I drove to LAX to work the Red Eye Flts back & forth for years so I could be at home during the day to stay w/S.
Since my payroll just reflected I was paid for certain days, etc., it made it appear I was gone all day & night & therefore he took care of S.

My point is, in retrospect I would have done many things differently.

The courts don't care if it's the mother or father & generally like to see the child remain in their routine/home.

Your H appears to have seen an attny & is doing what ever he can to establish primary cust.

I, o/c, am not an attny, so can't tell you what is best exactly, just what I might do:

-move back in the family home & begin setting your own new precedent. The courts look at the latest history mostly.

-start going to as many appts (Dr., etc) w/ D as possible & record everything everyday.

-If you don't move back in, take D with you to your place & make it for over the 1/2 mark (which is what it appears he's trying to do)

-Don't respond to anything he sends re;sched for D in writing-it will/might be used against you.

Unfortunately, this doesn't help the connection with your H & will bring up some pretty powerful feelings for both of you.

My former H & I are very close now & have been for many years. It wasn't until almost a year after the court stuff that we were able to get there though.

I'll be back later today.

Hang in there & be strong,

Sunny

WAW1978:

So sorry about the tough tough happenings. I am an attorney, but not in family law. And I am in Texas. But let me give you my thoughts on some of this, but not necessarily legal advice. More life advice, I think (though my thoughts are always clouded by being an attorney I guess). I have read all your two posts and stew10's and Sunny's (good thoughts there). I am going to focus on your first post mainly.



I don't see it like that at all. You just didn't know you might be hurting yourself in a custody fight. (And you'll see later that I don't really think H can be faulted for what he did, though I know emotions are high. And in any event, focusing on his intent is just going to piss you off. You need to manage emotions and focus on what to do to take care of you, your D, and your respective interests.



I see how you felt this way, and agree that you were trying to avoid disrupting her life more than you had to. So that thinking still makes sense to me.



You know, I can't really say I wouldn't have acted like H. I'm not trying to defend him, but his world is spinning. He is scared. And there may be an element of him trying to control you (eg, keep you from leaving), but he may just be scared about losing his D. In lots of cases and states, the system favorsd mothers and dads get the short end of the custody stick. That doesn't mean he should try to exclude you from D either. And just because he is building his case it doesn't mean that he would try to keep you from getting 50-50 custody. But who knows.

In my mind, though I know you are pissed, I would try to get past the anger and blame (all normal and I might very well feel the same way were I in your shoes), and focus on what needs to be done. The atty told me even things as trivial as who makes her lunch will become an issue. Help me out here…do I have no rights? I am the Mom up until my H’s hours shifted I was the one who made her lunches and took her to school everyday for two years. Before that I was home with her everyday and worked nights so she did not have to go to daycare. Can all this be true? Two months of a separation will supercede 4 years of my care?



I understand too. I have had those fears (though I feel better because we both have stated clearly we are in favor of joint custody). In all likelihood, your H is also scared of losing custody.



It seems to me you have two or three options:

1. Follow this attorney's advice. Move out and take D with you, but that seems likely to turn ugly real quick (like restraining orders being filed right away, etc.). (Aside: did s/he seem to know what they were saying? Seem experienced? Inspire confidence? If you have any doubts, maybe get a second opinion.)

2. Stay in the house and approach your H about an agreed to S. Explain to him that this is the only chance your M has. You need time and space for a while, at least say six months. But explain to him that you would like to do it the same way it would be in a divorce (with joint custody, and discuss how that would work). Make a proposal if you want or talk it out with him. My guess is that he resists joint custody, but it is worth a shot I think. This would require you to move D week to week which is not ideal for her. Doesn't sound like H is willing to leave the house at all.

3. Stay in the house and re-establish your custodial rights for a while and plan your next move. in a month or two. Are you in separate bedrooms at least? Is that an option?



That doesn't sound right to me. Or if you do, you'll likely get a nasty fight with injunctions, etc.



That is my suggestion no. 2. I hope H goes for it. How can you best present this to him? In MC? Can you give it to him in MC to consider for a week? Our T was great in getting both of to state that what really mattered to us was our children's best interest. Maybe you could take that route. With H hopefully acknowledging D needs both of you in her life a lot.



Hmmmm. Maybe it's not worth even trying. If you do, strike when the iron is cold, if you can, and think about how best to try to communicate with him on this issue.



Not quite. Option 2 above is different, though it doesn't sound promising. And I think rather than "stay in house and continue to feel angry and frustrated with H and never recover the M anyway", it's stay in the house for a little while to re-establish custodial rights (at least get back to even) and also to figure out your next move.



You emotions are understandably high. Take some time. Cool off. You need to think clearly about all of this. For you and D. And H really.



You do need to protect your rights and take care of D's interests (which includes lots of time with you).



Hopefully that's not the case. Keep looking for solutions. Think positively. I know it is hard, but it is crucial.

Good luck, hang in there, and big hugs
Nomo

This is what I was trying to say. You can then take your time & re-evaluate later from a safer place if you choose this option.


Sunny