Chances are he believes this other person will meet his needs and too often I hear the old statement a leporad does not change its spots. Honestly, I do not believe in we can't change, but rather few of us are willing too and even fewer are willing to wait it out to see if the other will really change. Sometimes I believe that every now and then you have to test the water and ask what do you think about going to couseling or coming home and trying to work on it. Maybe not often, but every now and then so they remember they are missing time with someone who has been and wants to be with them again.
This is probably why so many people go through countless romantic relationships and don't really get it right. It takes a lot of effort to keep the love alive and even more once problems are identified.
I told my W. all about my relationship with the OW. When, where, how long it went on, basically everything she wanted to know. At first she was very interested in staying together and this can make us stronger. It took me about 2.5 months to fully commit to that idea. The problem is once I fully commited she then said she was fooling herself and seriously doubted if it could work out. She waivered back and forth for about 4 months now and still waivers.
Meanwhile, it becomes apparent that her emotinal needs are being met by a "friend" (male). So now I have the obstacle of not only proving my love, respect, and commitment to our family, but on top of it dealing with the fact that she is in an emotinal affair and does not even realize it.
Some days I just want to bang my head against the desk!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Yeah we also had communication problems. We both tend to keep things bottled up instead of discussing it when it happens. Which is not good. I understand thinking this is it because it was bad for a year before he left. Will he be able to get past his feelings and trust me again? I don't know. I hope he can given enough time. I'll just keep working on me and maybe one day he'll see a new better me.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
goodfight So, I have a question for you. I am wanting to ask my W about counseling, but I guess what I am afraid of is that I will get the "I dont know" or "I cant commit to anything" answer. Is this DBing to ask or should I wait for her to say something? If you have ever looked at my sitch, my W is VERY uncomfortable asking for what she wants and I suspect will always be that way. So me waiting for her to ask for anything may be just leaving things in limbo forever.
We are both in IC, although I dont think she is going anymore.
Love to hear your thoughts here.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
When you returned did you do so on your own w/out talking it out first w/ your wife? My H hs been telling our girls for the past few months he wants to come home, but that mommy does not want him to. At first I said yes and then I got scared he was not doing it for the right reasons & I told him he should wait a little longer.
Many months ago when he had his first kinda break down & our first R talk (he initaed) he said he always thought about coming back but that he knew I would not take him back. That was when I first noticed signs of remorse. I told him he si still in love w/ her/OW & he says not completely?? WTH? I know he is. He is still living w/ her. Some of these men/husbands who have cheated on these boards make it sound too difficult to leave the OW. It does not sound like that was your case? Were you not in love w/ OW? If he returns still loving her how long can it take to get over her?
Let me say my preception and that is all it is worth! The cheater or WAS in most cases did not deal with the issues the were troubling them or the relationship. Having said that eventually MOST people will feel and obligation to address the issue. Unfortunatelly chances are many WAS will learn to address it because their new relationship will fail and they will realize that they have unresolved issues within themselves and in their relationship.
I did talk to my wife my excuse to come home was to be their for my son, this was a true statement but I also believed my best chance to resolve our issues was to be together. Some can resolve best apart, I did not believe this to be the case with my W.
My guess on the not completely in love comment is, you and he lived together and were married together for X amount of years. One can not truely care about someone they just meet or started a relationship with under deceitful circumstances as much as someone they have "lived life with for a long time and had kids with". Yes sometimes we think this new person or this side fling is all that and they give us attention and tell us how sexy we are and how much they love us.
But if we look at that we must question what does the other person really love about us and what do we love about them? The fact that they are willing to be deceitful and hide the relationship, or that the OP doesn't care about the Spouse's family or what it means to the kids. If we truely look at it without emotion (which is hard to do). Does it make any sense to believe or even invest in a relationship that has started based on deceit and lies and suffering. Chances are our marriages started as two single people that came together, not one or both being married and wanting "something more" and hurting others in the process.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I would ask her if she was interested in counseling. I asked my wife she said she didn't think it would help so why do it. Then she said why aren't we trying counseling or something different. So I said let's go to counseling again came "I don't think it will help." I left it at let me know if you change your mind I would like to go to couples C.
The other avenue I recommend is if she is still going to couseling on her own ask if she would mind if you each signed a consent form so the counselers could collabarate on where each of you are at, and maybe help that way! I will take a look at your thread.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
But if we look at that we must question what does the other person really love about us and what do we love about them? The fact that they are willing to be deceitful and hide the relationship, or that the OP doesn't care about the Spouse's family or what it means to the kids. hurting others in the process.
...and what kind of way is that too start a R for either of the person's involved. If the WAS can leave his W and kids, who is to say that he won't do that with the OW involved or get back with his family and if she doesn't care about doing that to his kids then who's to say that she wouldn't do that to him. You can't trust either of the parties involved. If I start dating again and some man tells me that he is married but still living together, I will certainly give him an ear full. I will not play that game at all being this haappened to me and my kids.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
I agree learning what I have from this I would agree. But please don't lose sight of the fact I doubt if his "lust" or whatever for the other is going to last. The point is sooner or later we realize that we did not handle things well, and then we wonder how can we fix it and am I just going to be rejected again so why should I try.
I think that most WAS feel rejected and the only choice they have is to leave. Well at least that is how I felt. Remember that we sometimes run from our problems hoping this will fix things. This doesn't work we must face them head on either by ourself or with a partner. Sometimes we choose the wrong partner to face and issue with, unfortunate to say the least.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Gf, he called me at work yesterday to tell me that he filed for the papers. I told him that I won't stand in the way if this is what he really wants but that we are giving up alot. All he said is that we can't ever go back now because things were too bad between us. He said there was a time where he didn't care whether he lived or died and just doesn't think that we can ever get back together and have things be good between us. He said he didn't think that I ever cared about him. I did deep down but didn't show it. He made me feel the same way that he never cared about me so I started treating him as such.
Now he has some sleazy whore that he is going out with. I hope she dumps his ass when the D papers come thru.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
Hi there I have a question for you. Did your W ever tell you she didn't want you back after you had left? I am interested to know what your reaction would be to that being the WAS.
Me 45 H 45 D 27 Not living at home D 21 At home S 19 At home D 17 At home M 22yrs Togther 25yrs Bomb 17 July 2007
