Quick recap. Married 11 years, together 13. Two kids D10 and S7. I was controlling and not supportive. She was repressed and typical walk away wife.
She filed a year ago and it was not a pleasant time. We tried counseling for 1 year prior to her filing. She was done. She closed her heart (her words).
I was fair in the divorce, but she is not going to live the lifestyle she wants.
She had a couple emotional affairs and potentially one physical. Will never know. Before the mediation ink was dry, she was in love with a millionaire could wine her and dine her.
In the mean time, I GAL'ed. I would see her and tell her that she can come home any time. I have dated, just not real into it. I have met a wonderful woman who is sweet and wants to love me, but I am having a hard time letting her.
My ex says she still does not trust me. We have had several dinners together and we have done birthdays and team parties. She told the kids that she broke up with OM. She told me that they are slowing down. She says her heart belongs to OM.
I have suggested going out to see if we can rekindled something and she says no. She said her heart is blocked off to her.
Does anybody have any advice? Being with her sucks. It is full of anxiety because I want to shake her up and bring her back to reality. She is in la-la land. She is going to lose the kids (they want to live with me). She can't pay her bills. She hoping the millionaire bails her out.
I am just tired of running into a brick wall. I have a real hard time just being friends. My pastor says it is my way to Christ by serving her now.
I need some encouragement- Am I crazy?
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
I was controlling and not supportive. She was repressed and typical walk away wife.
I was fair in the divorce, but she is not going to live the lifestyle she wants.
In the mean time, I GAL'ed. I would see her and tell her that she can come home any time.
I have suggested going out to see if we can rekindled something and she says no.
Does anybody have any advice? Being with her sucks.
It is full of anxiety because I want to shake her up and bring her back to reality.
I am not an expert, and I don't think I've read your stuff before, so this is just based on what is here: You were controlling. So I see this: It is full of anxiety because I want to shake her up and bring her back to reality. I have suggested going out to see if we can rekindled something and she says no. I would see her and tell her that she can come home any time. I think to her, all of that feels controlling. It sounds that way to me. There is also the pursuing. I don't think you are crazy, but I do think you've got some more work to do on your perception of things before anything is going to change.
If she isn't going to be able to live her desired lifestyle, you've got to get out of the way and let it happen. If she's going to lose the kids, you need to be ready to catch them. If she can't pay her bills, the consequences have to fall on her. Until then, in my very unexpert opinion, you need to get out of the way as much as possible, and let it happen. The way I read this, you are still trying to control her. I'd like to be wrong!
Jeff
By the way, I'm sorry if this wasn't the encouragement you asked for!
I should post some links to my story. Over two years ago, I realized that I was being controlling. I stopped. I let her take full control of the divorce process and was amiable in that.
I have not done anything to control her or the children since I was kicked out.
Unfortunately, I can't find away to get the old links up. I am not being controlling now. I am hoping and offering the chance. She chooses not to accept it so I MUST move on.
Make sense. I will fill in gaps if you need me too.
Please explain changing my perception? What do you mean? You are right in that I have been there for her to help with the house of questions on finances, etc.
Jeff
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
I could be reading it all wrong, it's just that in the tone of what you wrote, I though it sounded to me that the things you were saying to her would still sound controlling TO HER. You've been acting like you are married (not that that is a bad thing), but she is divorced. So to her any time you stick your oar in the water, it is controlling to her. So, if she's ever going to see you differently, I think you really need to detach. You say being with her sucks. Well, it seems the answer to that is obvious. It also seems to me that the only way to shake her back to reality is to let her live it, and it doesn't sound like you've done that. (In a odd way, even that is controlling). So, if I was giving advice, I'd say you need to get out of the way, and let her fall. Be ready to catch her, but you can only do that if she comes to you. And even than you need to be careful that she isn't just using you to bail her out. Unless it directly hurts the kids, I think you need to let go. She got what she wanted, so she needs to live with it.
You are right. I do think I am still married. I do think of her as my wife. You are right. In fact, when I am dating somebody else I feel like I am cheating. LOL
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
So, I think that's the answer. As long as she ssees you act like you are still married to her, it looks controlling to her. I'd say that how you think on your own time is your business, but when you interact with her the longer you stay 'married' the less likely you are to reconnect. In my opinion.
Like I said, I'm no expert. But I hope that a differnt viewpoint on what you wrote helps!
I completely agree with Jeff....detaching will also help YOU as well. Helps with putting things in perspective. While we all hope to reconnect with our spouses, we also need to move forward with our lives in case it does not happen.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
As you know, we all have good days and bad. I seem to try to run with any opening. Shows I have not changed. There is a place to start. I had my kids for the last 30 days and they just left so experiencing a lot of divorce emotions again.
Thanks for the advice and it has been consistent on and off the board.
JSD (Jeff Also)
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
